MOVIE AWESOMENESS: JASON STATHAM IN SAFE!

Jason Statham is really fucking good and protecting and transporting things, people, briefcases, etc.  You are really excited to see Safe, a new action thriller coming out soon.  But crud!  There are a lot of movies out these days and you can’t get to them all.  I mean we are all probably chomping at the bit to see some Johnny Depp movie about an ancient vampire who is blown away by TV’s and Mcdonalds….right…? This is just vampire Harry and the Hendersons… and that my friend is a masterpiece.  It’s only down hill when you don’t have John Lithgow involved.

Lithgow here. I just added this picture because that's how I hope John Lithgow answers the phone.

So I will do you a huge solid and give you a run down of the movie.  I had to save my own time so I haven’t watched it either.  But I am willing to bet 3 cases of rootbeer milk that I am pretty darn close.

If the movie poster is any indication this movie is gonna be good.

Find your own kid napping victim. She is mine.

Jason Statham plays Uzi Sanchez.  A down on his luck Mexican Boxer.  He has been homeless since his last big beat and also got kicked off the force for not being corrupt.

He devises a perfect scheme.  Kidnap a little asian girl who is good with numbers to help him win scratch tickets.  So he can then win the money to enter a kickboxing competition to save his blind half brother from an Australian hit squad.

The homeless years: I hope they edit out the scene where I eat sausages from a dumpster.

They don’t that scene is gritty and real.

Hey Buddy, I've told you once I've told you twice, stop giving hand jobs in our dumpster!

Okay, so for the first half of the movie Uzi is hooked on smack and can’t stop trying to give hand jobs for the money.  It’s then he sees his salvation.  The math kid.

HEY KID!!! AHHHHH!!!! CAN YOU COUNT TO 7 11 OR 21?????!!!!!!??!?!?!

Uzi’s weakness is for 7 11 21, a scratcher, that is a real head scratcher.  You have to add 3 numbers and if they are 7 11 or 21 you win! But those are the 3 hardest numbers to add up to in the English Dictionary.  Many a sad afternoon you could find Uzi crying while looking at a ticket trying to count on his fingers.  Most of which he lost in a man vs chicken fighting ring in lower manhattan.

Shit. It's daytime. I probably should have done this a little more secretively.

As you can imagine they pretty much run around in circles and many times he yells at her.  “Don’t worry, I wont let you go home to your parents until you win me the $5,0000 grab prize.”

Then a miracle.

A Winner.

7+3+1.  He steals some kids Nokia plays some snake. Then adds the numbers. 11. Holy shit. I did it.

Hey mister, did you save enough after buying that suit to save your brother?....shit.

He then holds this pose and the gun at the girl for the final 23 minutes of the movie while a God Speed You Black Emperor song plays in its entirety in the background.

Screen goes black.  You hear a gunshot.  Did he kill her… or himself?  Maybe one of the thousand cops following up on the Amber Alert shot him…  One of those great movie mysteries that will be talked about for years to come.  Maybe it was all a dream?

Credits role. Written, Directed, Starred, Produced, Edited, Shot and Catered by Jason Statham.  That guy can do it all.

The End….Or is it?/ To Be Continued / Maybe … Shrug.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Gladys Knight and the Pips

Midnight Train to Georgia

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MILK AWESOMENESS: ROOT BEER MILK?

I stole this photograph from my brother. Apparently this exists and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. Or Rap my head around it. Nothing cool rhymes with Rootbeer Milk. Glutesmear Rilk? Those aren’t even words!

A much better seller than the Old Fashioned Mr. Pibb milk.

I looked this up on the internet and apparently it is real. Apparently back in history people would mix rootbeer and milk. I’m a little unsure still whether or not this is real. Because it’s “old fashioned” not “olde fashionede” adding e’s to the ends of words that don’t neede it makes things seeme oldere and more authentice.

How did this occur? Rootbeer milk. Those two things together sounds like the devil’s poison.

I get carmel eggs and ice cream tacos. Those make perfect sense to me. Wheat grass marshmallows and Jamba Juice nachos? These things I would mix in a heartbeat.

First of all milk is stupid and root beer is like the 8th best soda. I have no idea how this happened. Could I bet behind some milk squirt? Other than the name sounds horribly sexual and 100% unappetizing. I’d try it.

Hell, I’d even go Milk + Crystal Pepsi.

Quite frankly I’d be more psyched for turd water.

I’m going to calm my nerves with a sweet glass of Maple Syrup Ginger Ale. That would probably be the most canadian thing since, Canada.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Theophilus London FT. ASAP Rocky

Big Spender

NEW PROFESSION AWESOMENESS: PRIVATE EYE!

So it finally happened. I quit my job at the banana factory.  Too/two/to many gorillas swinging through windows and kicking down the doors to steal my lively hood.  I also decided, as you can see, I am giving up on trying to figure out when two use to, it’s just 2 damn confusing.  I’ve just started throwing toos out there willy nilly and seeing what happens.  Like that damn gorilla Gerald does with his handfuls of turds.  It’s not enough you ate my last bunch of naners!

My new profession you ask? Glad you asked or this would be a really short one sided post. Private eye. I was shooting for Private Dancer, but Tina Turner doesn’t return my candy grams.

Private Detective, or Private Dick as my business card reads ( I only made one) Is a great profession.  What did I do all day? Sit in my car and stare into people’s houses from across the street.

Official Private Eye Business, Back Off Buddy... why are you outside a school?... hmmm.... good question.

I get to wear sweet clothes all day like a trench coat and when I do people assume I have clothes on underneath it.  Which is a rad change of pace.  Do you get to listen to XM satellite radio all day and smoke a pipe?

My second family in Reno: You smoke!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

Me: It’s really only bubbles… see

Family: Good. Now close your legs that trench coat is very revealing.

I get to solve crimes all the time like who is the last boy scout.  I can carry a taser.  It goes well with the rape whistle I had to start carrying from the midnight predator rapings.

I make my own fucking hours and I am my own fucking boss.

Guy who hired me: Hey asshole! Why aren’t you working?

Me: How do you know I am not working.  Look I have a fedora, a pipe and a camera.  Total Dick Tracy stuff.

Guy: You have sat outside my house since I hired you.  You fell asleep for 4 hours and ate 4 subways sandwiches.

Me: Hey, Im not getting paid by the hour so stuff it.

Guy: Yes you are.  I am paying your asking rate of 1 subway sandwich an hour.  You’re fired!

Well, I guess I am not my own boss.  Shit.  Now where am I going to get some subway.  I guess I could get sponsored.

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Awesome Song of the Day

Tina Turner

Private Dancer!

… and yes Tina.  I do want to see you do the shimmy again.

I am not sure if the same ad plays everytime.  The youtube is a wonderous invention but I don’t try to figure it out.  Like popcorn chicken. But the Droid Razor commercial that just played, blew my fucking mind. Some diner guy just said you can program your phone to do things that you normally do (question marks and exclamation points).  I can program my phone to watch Starship Troopers and eat a box of goldfish? Whoa. My phone can try to not cry after sexing a women? Whoa. My phone can get arrested for stalking Detlef Schempf? Whoa. Technology is amazing.

Detlef! Don't press charges! I just wanted a lock of your hair.... okay hearing that back kinda makes me understand... I get it.

Almost like a double decker post!

Yeah!