Archive for March, 2012

TRANSPORTATION AWESOMENESS: GETTING CARRIED!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2012 by tsanda

The best way to get around? Definitely getting carried; behind teleportation pods from the Fly (minus the Fly of course….Silly Goldblum), spaceships, segway, golf carts, mario karts, and the occasional Sasquatch ride that is. Contrary to popular beef jerky ads Sasquatches are quite the gentle giants.  Nobody likes to be joshed around by strangers while you’re trying to catch some creek side zzzzzzz’s.

It begs the question. Is there a wrong way to get carried?

Bob Hope’s ghost – “No it doesn’t”

Balky – “Bob Hope’s Ghost that is a stretch, even for you…”

I’d be honored to be haunted by Bob Hope’s ghost.

Bob Hope’s Ghost – “thanks, although I didn’t tell you that I am a very rapey ghost.”

So I stumbled upon some news today that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is getting remade.  By Michael Bay.  He keeps remaking old stuff from my youth and trying to murder it.  Next he is going to remake classics like The Rock and Armageddon.  We will have to do a Terminator style thing where we send young awesome Michael Bay to stop old insanity Michael Bay from making movies.  Or at least add a little Aerosmith here and there.

In my TMNT readings I remembered Krang.  Who is a giant brain that uses a giant human exoskeleton suit to get carried around.

Krang, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, TMNT

Krang's face looks like that because his exoskeleton is shitting, and that thing only drinks Pabst and eats Cool Ranch Doritos.

That to me is a terrible location for Krang.  Why not just be the head.  As previously retorted you are right by that giant suits dangus and buttle.  All day its just shitting and pissing and it splashes on your brain matter and that stuff is hard to clean out of brain matter. I could just walk up like I am going to say Hi Krang and just punch Krang in the face. I’ll probably get torn in half soon there after, cause I hit like a 12 year old girl, but I’d get that one good shot it.  Probably not the best scenario for a evil mastermind to be easily punchable.

Better ways?

Master Blaster.

Master Blaster, Beyond the Thunderdome

Master Blaster's only weakness? Titty Twisters.

Little guy up there all protected laughing at all the Mel Gibson’s he makes clean up shit. Perfect.

What about Chewbacca?

C3P0 and Chewbacca, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back

Who keeps Signing My Blog?

Chewy has the right idea too.  C3PO is all tucked away and safe from danger.  Chewy kills the bad guys and PO gets to gently nap against Chewbacca’s hide. Now, I am not that into hunting or animal furs but if I could wear a chubacca fur around town.  I totally would.  It means I am fashionable, socialite and able to kill Chewbaccas.

The best?

Richard Gere, some lady, Officer and a Gentleman

They tried this with Louis Gossett Jr. but Richard Gere couldn't hold him up.

Getting carried out of your job and staring Gently into Richard Gere’s eyes. Takes the cake.

I guess staring into Chewy’s eyes would be pretty okay too.

That was a long one… Who wants some music?

Awesome Song of The Day

Sin Fan

Slow Lights

 

MY PALM READING EXPERIENCE: I AM GOING TO DIE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2012 by tsanda

Whoa, talk about downer.  I thought it was going to be a little more elaborate.  She laid her one eye on me.  No, she wasn’t missing an eye like a psychic should.  Eye patch and all.  She was a cyclops.

Cyclops

I will eat you!... that's not much of a future reading....

Why are cyclopes always so ugly?

Scott Summers, Cyclops, X-men

Ahhh Much Better.

I walk into this palm reading place.  The psychic asks me to remove my hulk hands before we start.  Something about not being able to read through them.  Whatever lady, its hulk hands or nothing.  Then I smash them together and inform her as politely as the giant foam hands can.  “Hulk Smash”.  She finally convinces me to remove the hulk hands.  She tells me to wash the ketchup and mustards from my finger tips.  It is grossing her out.  Can’t blame a guy for loving 2 for 2 hotdogs at 7-11.

She then just says.  You’re going to die.  I ask her how she knows that.  She shows me my palms and my palm lines spell out in plain english. “Your going to die”  I knew it was my future because they misspelled you’re.  Whoa.  I guess I just figured it was a coincidence all these years.  I wink at her and told her that hairy palm shit is a fucking myth.  Then try to give her a high five and she refuses.  Bitch.

I ask her how it happens.  She said that the future is hazy about the actual death mode.  But it’s either.  1. Sleeping.  Hell no. Boring. 2. Skiing off a cliff.  Pretty fucking cool, as long as at the bottom of the cliff I crash through a ski lodge and land in the cozy fire.  Right after some guy says. “This needs another log.” The only problem I don’t ski. 3. Helicopter crash into a shark infested volcano! I’ll take it.

Can somebody please take my body and explode it if I do die in my sleep.  I gotta go out like I live.  Exploding.

What.

End!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

VAN SHE

SEX CITY

Yes this is also Vanished by Crystal Castles.  But Crystal Castles, who got beat jacked by Timbaland also beat jacked these guys.  Sooo I don’t really feel bad for CC.

 

COMMUNITY SERVICE AWESOMENESS: STEALING THE RONALD MCDONALD STATUTE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Fuck Clowns., Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2012 by tsanda

The Denver Ronald McDonald House had it’s Ronald McDonald statue stolen a while back.  People were all up in arms about this.

Some Local Lady “How can you steal from the Ronald McDonald House?”

Some Local Protestor “This is terrible, what has the world come to? The Ronald McDonald House?!”

Charles Barkley “Pizza, Burgers, Wings, Meatballs, Ribs, Steak, Meatballs…”

Charles, I’ve told you more than once get out of here with all that meatball talk.  What about hoagies? Charles: Well I didn’t say hoagies now did I? … No, I guess not.

Some Other Lady “The statue costs $3,500 but the memories are priceless.”

Memories?

The memories are priceless? I think this lady is getting memories and debilitating nightmares mixed up again.

Look at this fucking scary ass thing.

Ronald Mcdonald House Statue Denver

If you look closely under it's eyes, it appears to be crying black satan blood.

You want this hanging around like a creepy evil pedophile?  Kids are supposed to come here for hope and not leave with a psychotic breakdown?  As you can tell I absolutely hate clowns.  IT ruined it all for me (you’re welcome for the link).  It makes you wonder though… Whatever happened to that thing.  I never heard any conclusion  to that story.

I assume that Ronald McDonald ate those people.

Or he is just sitting in somebody’s basement.

I already told you I don’t know the conclusion.  I am really hoping it’s the later because with a missing Ron McD statue roaming around Denver everything time I hear something outside I instantly think its Ronald trying to kill me.

It really puts a damper on trying to do sex with a lady when you have to ask her to check under the bed for Ronald McDonalds.  Hey sweet cheeks, you can think I’m a nancy boy all you want… but I don’t want to be eaten by Ronald McDonald.  I call it common sense. Now lets do that sex I paid for.

Nice.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

brandUN Deshay

A Beating Cuff Link