Archive for March, 2012

CRIME AWESOMENESS: GETTING ARRESTED FOR A TACO!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2012 by tsanda

I am going to post an actual full news story.  So you can see that I am not full of shit. This actually happened. There are crimes that make no sense to me.  Murder, rape, animal sodomy.  Then there are crimes of extreme passion and necessity that I condone and completely understand. Stealing Tacos is definitely one of those.

ohh wait that is rap song with a chorus that is “I’m the 7th letter of the Alphabet, I’m a G”

Here we go:

“Today in: “Well, that was unnecessary,” we bring you the story of Erving Walker, the Florida Gators guard who allegedly stole a taco and didn’t get away with it. It wasn’t even a gourmet taco — it was the $3 dollar variety from a street vendor. Why, Erving, why?

Walker ordered a taco early Friday morning and ran away without paying. When cops started to follow him and ordered him to stop, Walker kept going. They soon caught up to him, however, and charged him with petty theft and resisting an officer.

You might think that Walker is a freshman, perhaps feeling a little high on helping his team make the Elite 8, and felt like a taco was perhaps owed to him. But Walker is a senior who felt deserving of a free taco. If this was, say, a Jamar Samuels type situation, then this theft would be sad. But Walker, who said he was “just playing around” when the cops caught him, looks to be the entitled collegiate-athlete type.

Walker wasn’t arrested, because the police probably recognized that being known as “the basketball player who steals tacos” is punishment enough. He will have to appear in court next month, where he may have to plead guilty to “stealing three dollars worth of tortilla, meat and cheese.” Sorry, that’s lawyer speak for “cheap taco.””

– some news publication.

My favorite part is that Taco’s are amazing.

My second favorite part is that he got chased by the police to which he remarked.  “I was just playing around…”  Take it from Harrison Ford, authority types hate when you run from them.

“I didn’t steal that Taco!”  “I don’t care…”

How does this student athlete who is a top 5 all time leading scorer for Florida not out run Police Officers.  Cops these days are fat as hell.  I can briskly walk past most police and watching me makes them tired.

Fat Cops

Thumb Wrestling for the Taco that was stolen. Getting winded in the process.

I’m pretty sure that cops love food related crimes.  They did a taco line up to figure out which taco was stolen.

Nom Nom Nom.

You guys ate the line up again? Well this handsome fucking blogger helped too.

Makes me recant my previous statement.  I might just kill somebody for a taco.  Dorito Shell Taco Bell? I’d stab for that.

Awesome Song of The Day

Odd Future

Oldie

Seriously one of the best rap songs I’ve heard in ages.  I was never quite sure about these guys but this song is all the talent coming out and not being overshadowed by the weirdness.

 

 

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ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER CAMPAIGN POSTERS!

Posted in Actors, Arnold, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Celebrities, comedy, Humor with tags , , , , , , , on March 27, 2012 by tsanda

It amazes me when people don’t have nice things to say about Arnold Schwarzenegger.  They say “that a-hole ruined California”.  Not true dick heads. He taught us a awesome way to say California that sounds like Cauliflower. Side note.  Cauliflower does not go over well for Valentines Day.  That girls loving flowers thing is a bunch of bullshit. Also California never broke off into the ocean.  So i’d call his term a 100% success.

I mean his old campaign posters alone should win over your hearts and minds.

Arnold Schqarzenegger, Eraser, Rail Guns

ALLLGGHHHHHH! VOTE OR DIE!

MTV and Sean P. Diddy Combs may have made Vote or Die “hip”.  But Arnold made it mandatory and literal.

So his campaign manager wanted us to see a softer side of Arnold.  The mother vote is key in Califlower.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Devito, Junior

Aaaalllllgggghhhh! BABIES!

The single mothers vote is big.  But don’t forget to Rock the Vote.  The youth is a big factor in one election ever and Arnold took a no holds approach to garner those votes.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ice Cream Cone

ALLLRGHHHHH KIDS LOVE ICE CREAM! IF IT MELTS ICE CAN EAT IT!

You can’t forget the elderly people.  They still go to the post office;  so they know where polling places are and usually end up voting by accident while trying to pay their Readers Digest fees by check.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

ALALALRLARLALRALRALGHGGHHHH I WILL WEAR YOUR CHRISTMAS SWEATERS!

That election was over before it even started. What about the Jackie Chan vote?

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tuxedo,

ALGHH! LETS MAKE THE TUXEDO 2! ALGH!

Ahhh Arnold Governor stuff, I am a very topical guy.

That is done!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

MIIKE SNOW

BLACK TIN BOX

 

 

TV SHOW AWESOMENESS: AWAKE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies, Television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2012 by tsanda

Again something I’ve never seen before.  I enjoy talking about stuff I know nothing about other than my immediate preconceptions. I find things are usually neater in my brain than in real life. Like how Wrath of the Titans has fucking nothing to do with Remember the Titans.  I was expecting a violently inspirational equal rights story.  Instead all we  get is Sam Waterston flying a horse.  What? Worthington? Damnit.  I thought he was stuck on a ledge.

Awake, according to a TV guide sentence I skimmed, is about a guy who gets in a car crash and either his son dies or his wife dies depending on whether or not he is dreaming and which dream/reality he is in.  That is a great idea.  However, that guy has the most depressing and boring dreams ever.  I’d have to decide between a world where I ride falcor to fight predators with John Spartan and Simon Phoenix.

John Spartan, Knitting, Demolition Man, Sly Stallone

John Spartan knitting me a red sleeveless kimono.

Addition Sign

Simon Phoenix, Demolition Man, Wesley Snipes

Simon Phoenix is such a good name Nick Cage is fucking furious he was not in this movie.

Plus

Falcor, Neverending Story

Little Known Fact: Falcor was fired from the Rock-afire Explosion for railing to much coke.

=

Predator

Murdered Predator. I don't take spines and skulls though. I collect stamps.

It’s better than my alternate dreamality.

Madea

Shivers.

+

The Gimp, Pulp Fiction

Damnit, I thought you were sleeping

Now my shrink has to figure out what is wrong with me.  Good Luck Billy Crystal.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Rock-afire explosion Covering Usher and Young Jeezy

Love in this Club

 

 

TRANSPORTATION AWESOMENESS: GETTING CARRIED!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2012 by tsanda

The best way to get around? Definitely getting carried; behind teleportation pods from the Fly (minus the Fly of course….Silly Goldblum), spaceships, segway, golf carts, mario karts, and the occasional Sasquatch ride that is. Contrary to popular beef jerky ads Sasquatches are quite the gentle giants.  Nobody likes to be joshed around by strangers while you’re trying to catch some creek side zzzzzzz’s.

It begs the question. Is there a wrong way to get carried?

Bob Hope’s ghost – “No it doesn’t”

Balky – “Bob Hope’s Ghost that is a stretch, even for you…”

I’d be honored to be haunted by Bob Hope’s ghost.

Bob Hope’s Ghost – “thanks, although I didn’t tell you that I am a very rapey ghost.”

So I stumbled upon some news today that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is getting remade.  By Michael Bay.  He keeps remaking old stuff from my youth and trying to murder it.  Next he is going to remake classics like The Rock and Armageddon.  We will have to do a Terminator style thing where we send young awesome Michael Bay to stop old insanity Michael Bay from making movies.  Or at least add a little Aerosmith here and there.

In my TMNT readings I remembered Krang.  Who is a giant brain that uses a giant human exoskeleton suit to get carried around.

Krang, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, TMNT

Krang's face looks like that because his exoskeleton is shitting, and that thing only drinks Pabst and eats Cool Ranch Doritos.

That to me is a terrible location for Krang.  Why not just be the head.  As previously retorted you are right by that giant suits dangus and buttle.  All day its just shitting and pissing and it splashes on your brain matter and that stuff is hard to clean out of brain matter. I could just walk up like I am going to say Hi Krang and just punch Krang in the face. I’ll probably get torn in half soon there after, cause I hit like a 12 year old girl, but I’d get that one good shot it.  Probably not the best scenario for a evil mastermind to be easily punchable.

Better ways?

Master Blaster.

Master Blaster, Beyond the Thunderdome

Master Blaster's only weakness? Titty Twisters.

Little guy up there all protected laughing at all the Mel Gibson’s he makes clean up shit. Perfect.

What about Chewbacca?

C3P0 and Chewbacca, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back

Who keeps Signing My Blog?

Chewy has the right idea too.  C3PO is all tucked away and safe from danger.  Chewy kills the bad guys and PO gets to gently nap against Chewbacca’s hide. Now, I am not that into hunting or animal furs but if I could wear a chubacca fur around town.  I totally would.  It means I am fashionable, socialite and able to kill Chewbaccas.

The best?

Richard Gere, some lady, Officer and a Gentleman

They tried this with Louis Gossett Jr. but Richard Gere couldn't hold him up.

Getting carried out of your job and staring Gently into Richard Gere’s eyes. Takes the cake.

I guess staring into Chewy’s eyes would be pretty okay too.

That was a long one… Who wants some music?

Awesome Song of The Day

Sin Fan

Slow Lights

 

MY PALM READING EXPERIENCE: I AM GOING TO DIE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2012 by tsanda

Whoa, talk about downer.  I thought it was going to be a little more elaborate.  She laid her one eye on me.  No, she wasn’t missing an eye like a psychic should.  Eye patch and all.  She was a cyclops.

Cyclops

I will eat you!... that's not much of a future reading....

Why are cyclopes always so ugly?

Scott Summers, Cyclops, X-men

Ahhh Much Better.

I walk into this palm reading place.  The psychic asks me to remove my hulk hands before we start.  Something about not being able to read through them.  Whatever lady, its hulk hands or nothing.  Then I smash them together and inform her as politely as the giant foam hands can.  “Hulk Smash”.  She finally convinces me to remove the hulk hands.  She tells me to wash the ketchup and mustards from my finger tips.  It is grossing her out.  Can’t blame a guy for loving 2 for 2 hotdogs at 7-11.

She then just says.  You’re going to die.  I ask her how she knows that.  She shows me my palms and my palm lines spell out in plain english. “Your going to die”  I knew it was my future because they misspelled you’re.  Whoa.  I guess I just figured it was a coincidence all these years.  I wink at her and told her that hairy palm shit is a fucking myth.  Then try to give her a high five and she refuses.  Bitch.

I ask her how it happens.  She said that the future is hazy about the actual death mode.  But it’s either.  1. Sleeping.  Hell no. Boring. 2. Skiing off a cliff.  Pretty fucking cool, as long as at the bottom of the cliff I crash through a ski lodge and land in the cozy fire.  Right after some guy says. “This needs another log.” The only problem I don’t ski. 3. Helicopter crash into a shark infested volcano! I’ll take it.

Can somebody please take my body and explode it if I do die in my sleep.  I gotta go out like I live.  Exploding.

What.

End!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

VAN SHE

SEX CITY

Yes this is also Vanished by Crystal Castles.  But Crystal Castles, who got beat jacked by Timbaland also beat jacked these guys.  Sooo I don’t really feel bad for CC.

 

COMMUNITY SERVICE AWESOMENESS: STEALING THE RONALD MCDONALD STATUTE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Fuck Clowns., Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2012 by tsanda

The Denver Ronald McDonald House had it’s Ronald McDonald statue stolen a while back.  People were all up in arms about this.

Some Local Lady “How can you steal from the Ronald McDonald House?”

Some Local Protestor “This is terrible, what has the world come to? The Ronald McDonald House?!”

Charles Barkley “Pizza, Burgers, Wings, Meatballs, Ribs, Steak, Meatballs…”

Charles, I’ve told you more than once get out of here with all that meatball talk.  What about hoagies? Charles: Well I didn’t say hoagies now did I? … No, I guess not.

Some Other Lady “The statue costs $3,500 but the memories are priceless.”

Memories?

The memories are priceless? I think this lady is getting memories and debilitating nightmares mixed up again.

Look at this fucking scary ass thing.

Ronald Mcdonald House Statue Denver

If you look closely under it's eyes, it appears to be crying black satan blood.

You want this hanging around like a creepy evil pedophile?  Kids are supposed to come here for hope and not leave with a psychotic breakdown?  As you can tell I absolutely hate clowns.  IT ruined it all for me (you’re welcome for the link).  It makes you wonder though… Whatever happened to that thing.  I never heard any conclusion  to that story.

I assume that Ronald McDonald ate those people.

Or he is just sitting in somebody’s basement.

I already told you I don’t know the conclusion.  I am really hoping it’s the later because with a missing Ron McD statue roaming around Denver everything time I hear something outside I instantly think its Ronald trying to kill me.

It really puts a damper on trying to do sex with a lady when you have to ask her to check under the bed for Ronald McDonalds.  Hey sweet cheeks, you can think I’m a nancy boy all you want… but I don’t want to be eaten by Ronald McDonald.  I call it common sense. Now lets do that sex I paid for.

Nice.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

brandUN Deshay

A Beating Cuff Link

I’M A FATASS AWESOMENESS: PIZZA HUT APP!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Food, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2012 by tsanda

I have a pizza hut app.  It is the most amazing invention of all time.  Steve Jobs stated that he invented Apple in some previous decade so that someday I will be able to order pizza from the toilet without having to have the guy on the other line hear my poops.  I can’t go with somebody listening.  Critiquing my style. Then he asks if I wiped? None of your business Dick Tracy.

Pizza Hut

Wait, you can go inside a Pizza Hut?

I can program in multiple locations to choose from?

WHAT!

I can order a pizza from my crib….  Real crib, I sleep in a giant baby crib.  I have extreme night terrors and will fall out onto a floor of knives and cut myself a lot without those baby bars keeping me at bay.

Al Borlin: (somebody go watch Home Improvement and tell me how to spell that, then get my password and log in and fix it for me… thanks (smiley face)  I prefer to write out my emoticons.  More proper english.  All this slang these kids use these days.  (wink and smirk).

Why do you store knives on the ground? (tilted eyes and hand scratching head)

For somebody who says they know a lot about housing you are fucking stupid Mr. Borlin. (where you people at with that name spelling correction?).  My knife rack is full and my HOA doesn’t let me hang them from the trees.  I know right? What is it that I am paying for?

Why on the floor by your bed? Well, if somebody breaks in, I will have to stab them, right?

Ohh man, It would be so awesome if somebody were to break into my house while I was having an extreme night terrorn (which are usually accompanied by extreme nocturnal emissions) while in a giant baby crib surrounded by knives.  That robber would have such a great story and giant stab wound. (wide open eyes and mouth!)  I mean he could tell that story in heaven, where burglars belong.

I can also add in my employer, which conveniently enough is Pizza Hut, so I can app order my pizza and lay on the floor until they drop it on my face.

My neighbor’s funeral? App them slices son! Disrespectful? That bastard shouldn’t have used his spare key to see if I was alright because he just heard tons of screaming.  Which nicely translates from my night terror to his screams of terror by having a parring knife in his eyeballs.  You can’t go to jail for “night terror” murders…. Just saying.

I’m one of these people who wants to eat my pizza and my cake too, but don’t like grease.  So I dabbed it.  Dab that grease. Just a dab. Dab.  Science has proven that dabbed pizza becomes broccoli. So I invented a new pizza app.  Called the grease dabber.  You just rub your phone on that slice and enjoy health food.  **Disclaimer the Just a Dab app costs 1 Pizza Hut $10.00 Dinner Box handled delivered to my house and it will ruin your phone.**

Alien Resurrection Sleeve Gun

What is this doing here? Ohhh you are a day late Alien Resurrection. Sleeve Guns were yesterday. Boy and did we need you, could've saved that one. What is the guy on the left looking at? Dudes pizza hut app probably.

 

Do people still eat tombstone pizzas? Can my tombstone be a tombstone pizza? I was so mad at the movie tombstone. Not a single pizza. I take that back that movie has Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Sam Elliot, Bill Paxton, a train, some horses, a lady and a murdered Billy Zane.  It has it all.  Expect Pizza.

I’m tired.

Awesome Song of The Day

TANLINES!

REAL LIFE!

MEMORY TAPES REMIX!

SHIT!