Archive for February, 2012

FOOD AWESOMENESS: CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, blog, Dork, Food, Humor, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2012 by tsanda

I don’t know where the fuck the Bay of Cheddar (proper nouns are capitalized, boom.) is, I imagine a place of cheese near a bay.  I figure it is very literal.  I’ve looked on every map and in every book I own, which is one.  I certainly found Waldo but no Cheddar Bays.  Red Lobster is gross.  I’ve decided to completely ignore sensical segways and approach this from a very schizophrenic mindset.  Banana.  Red Lobs is a buttery catfish, fried and served with iceberg lettuce for $20.00.  I have no idea why people go there. I have probably had it 10 times and the only thing I get when I go is diarrhea; maybe heart burn if I’m lucky.  Then a light showned on my face and I asked the server to turn off the flood light that was over my table.  She said that it came on because of the tornado outside and I had to go to the basement for shelter and survival.  Bossy.  As people are running for their lives I see a half eaten biscuit sitting on a nearby table.  Seducing me. Rabbits.  I’m thinking this isn’t the biscuit plaza down on 8th street.  This is the shit lobster.  So I do what most people probably do at that time.  I eat off somebody else’s plate. Jeez stop judging me, I didn’t say I ate out of the toilet.  But, on a unrelated note, you didn’t see any cheddar bay biscuits floating in there did you?  Okay, just making sure. Carmel sandwich.  The homeless dumpster man outback always tries to steal my toilet food.

Sorry, I fast forwarded to the future to much.  Rewind to the past.  I don’t know where Cheddar Bay is.  Wait to far. So monkey tricycle. Wait, to far forward. Eating off a strangers plate. Ahhh just right.  Or Just Wright, the just cheerfully romantic movie where Queen Latifa somehow gets a person to love her.  Queen Latifa has a couple choices for who would love her. Common and LL Cool J are neither.

#1.

Might even be out of Latifah's league.

#2.

Pizza the Hut. Although a wild night of Latifah will probably result in her being fatter and him being dead.

Although, if you are a stickler for history, Pizza the Hut already died when he ate himself.  But you get my reference.  Queen Latifah eats full humans anyways so no reason to make it a pizza monster.

Did you know that Queen L endorses Pizza Hut and Jenny Craig.  She walks out of Pizza Hut and into Jenny Craig.  Cashes checks the whole time.  Fuck how is that not my life.  I hang outside Jenny Craigs and Pizza Huts all the time.  Why is it that I am only arrested?

So, I put this cheddary bay biscuit in my mouth and it melts.  Like a cheddar filled bread M&M.  I get it.  I get why people go to Red Lobster.  Those fucking heaven sent biscuits are National Treasures. NT3CBB (National Treasure Three: Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

Hey, Latifa! Stay away from Cheddar Bay. I would kill myself if you ate all the biscuits. Stay away from Pizza Hut and Lyle Lovett for that matter.

Weirdest thing I have seen in a while?  A UPS man, raking a alley.  He then got into a BMW wagon and drove away.  I promise I saw this.  What can Brown do for you?  Apparently rake alleys. True hero.  Thanks guy.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

WZRD (Kid Cudi & Dot Da Genius)

Teleport 2 Me, Jamie (fucking awesome Desire sample from Drive)

 

Fuck Waldo! Goldbug Forever!

 

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Dork, Humor, Monsters, Movies, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , on February 21, 2012 by tsanda

I saw a preview for this movie and I can say I am pretty excited.  I have really weird and specific fetishes.  Top Hats, Beards, Hatches…. Hatches?  I wrote hatches and then kept going.  Then I did a proofing read.  What! Yes, sometimes I go back and read things over.  I like to dust off the old write source 2000 and do some grammar.  I also don’t really like misspells that aren’t on purpose.  It shows people the vast array of the English dictionary I haven’t memorized, yet!  You don’t know the write source 2000?  Back in twenty aught aught that write source was mind blowing information.  It is kinda dated now with the nationalized removal of periods act of 2007 and the hyphen revolt of ’11.  But you can still find some word information in there.  I really enjoy when the word program gives me squiggly green lines under words and I can click to the option “ignore grammar” makes me feel like the master of the universe.  I tried to just write that on my college essays but always failed to invoke laughs.  I also failed to invoke passing.

That Pen is a rocket ship. Pen is. It's a dick joke. Ahhhhhhhh. Yes.

Write source 8000? Did a terminator come back in time to solve my grammar issues, with future grammar knowledge.  So that this blog never existed? Whoa. Blowing my noodle.  That isn’t a invitation to blow me.  But, if any robots from the future would like to? That would be another very specific fetish.

Hatchets.  You didn’t get that I was talking about hatchets? Do you even read this?  I honestly won’t blame you if you don’t…  So couple those fetishes with my enjoyment of dark movie theaters next to junior highs and I will be having a pretty good afternoon when that flick comes out.  I have no idea if it will be good or not.  I kinda lean towards no.  Everybody knows Abe Lincoln was afraid of the dark.  How the hell could he go vampire hunting if he always needs a night light on.  The real movie should be Einstein Swamp Monster Assassin.  Swamp Monsters are notorious for hating relativity.  Einstein had a thing for it.  He also liked shotguns mounted on wheelbarrows.

You don’t know this weapon?! I invented it.  Its a wheelbarrow with shotguns attached to the handles.  You run at things, preferably Swamp Monsters, or Ted Nugents.  As you charge and battle cry, you pull the shotgun triggers and blow some brains on to floors.  As your prey is slumping over dead.  You catch the carcass in the wheel barrow and dump it off a cliff or into a volcano.  It is pretty much the most efficient form of murder.  Other than maybe the old acid in the refrigerator trick.  Melts em every time.

Whoa.  That wheelbarrow shotgun idea is pretty fucking awesome.  You do not have my permission to steal that shit. Or you will find me and Einstein outside your crib with 2 wheelbarrows, 4 shotguns and stomach full of peach schnaps.  Or Fish Oil if we just woke up. Gotta stay healthy.  Gotta keep that mind tight. We might get hungry maybe some freshly jerkyied swamp monster jerky.  You know, absord that schnaps.

Time for Visual Math.

So what if I keep my shotguns on the floor? I like to show the rats what the fuck is up.

+ (addition symbol)

The Pink Taco. Einstein's trusty murder barrow.

+

You say kid in a costume. I say about to murdered monster. Hope he likes dying.

Great fucking post tonight Kid!.  I like to give myself Boston Accented positive self talk.  I close my eyes and imagine I am writing this post in either Good Will Hunting, Gone Baby Gone or The Town. I also like to put periods after exclamation points.  It lets the reader know that the excitement is over….For Now.

 

What tunes for today!?

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ARCADE FIRE – MODERN MAN

dang.

THAT SQUIRREL STOLE MY TORTILLA!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, comedy, Humor, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , on February 15, 2012 by tsanda

I was walking my pet dog tonight.  I’ve tried to get him a membership to curves but he is to embarrassed.  He says he has to lose a few more pounds to keep up with the sweet babes that he will be working up a sweat with.

Getting some sexy thighs. Daddy needs a stick a butter, a baseball mitt and a jason mask. Time to get nasty

For those of you who know my pet dog.  He would fit in perfectly at curves.  Blasting that fat.

So were are walking.  I see this cute as a basket of buttons squirrel holding half a tortilla.  So I said “Hey, Squirrel, you stole my Tortilla!”.  It was like heaven parted the red seas and inspiration struck.  I was going to take a photograph of it.  I was going to tag that photograph with the witty catch phrase of “that squirrel stole my tortilla”.  It was going to get its own post and maybe a separate facebook tag.  I don’t know the possibilities were breath taking.  People were going to start saying, “that squirrel stole my tortilla”.  I was ready to rake in my millions and be famous like John Stamos.  What happens? My pet dog scares him away before I have time to instagram that fucking squirrel.  Ohh dog of mine.  Back to the drawing board.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

CLAP YOUR HANDS AND SAY YEAH!

MISSPENT YOUTH

my 2nd favorite song of 11.

TWO AWESOME SONGS?

—–

Maybe I could walk around and just say “Lego my Eggo?” to random people.  Extra emphasis on the question mark.  Maybe I’ll even just say “question mark” at the end.

YES! PAY ME!