FOOD AWESOMENESS: SALTINES!


Saltines.  The most indulgent way to eat Salt that doesn’t make anybody feel bad for eating handfuls of Salt.  Salt is my favorite spice. Aside from Scary. Scary spice? Wow, scary spice, bringing about the big terrible pun guns with a bang right from the gate from my layoff (I have read that sentence about 1 1/2 times and boy does it not make much sense).  I have moved recently and haven’t felt much like terrible pun making the passed few months.  I was taking my dog friend for a walk tonight and decided to have some homemade beef and broccoli for dinner.  After that I decided what the fuck.  Lets write something.  My dog sure wasn’t.  Good story about my dinner too, huh? I found most of my fan emails during my lay off were asking what I was going to eat for dinner and wondering why my link went straight to dick and balls websites.  Some dick and balls website briefly bought my domain.  No worries, I got it back.  Dane’sdickandballs.com however has some revealing shots of me that I had to part with to get the domain back.  Jokes on them, you can find my dick and balls on hundreds of websites already.  Also posted at numerous bus stops, truck stops, Billy Joel tour buses, etc.  That is a pretty damn good ramble.  I thought about just ending this post now but that would be way to much of a tease. Like Dane’sdickandballs.com.  I just like writing that domain name.  I might just buy that domain and transfer my blog over there.  My traffic profile would be so much different.  So many old grannies looking to get down.

Salt = my favorite spice.  Why? Because it is very terrible for you.  Let we find an excuse to sprinkle it on everything we eat.  We do this with the word “pinch”.  Add a pinch of Salt it will be okay. I mean fuck people put salt on vegetables. (that last sentence without any punctuation could mean a lot of different things, I will let you decide what it means, a fun little make your own blog adventure.)  Weird looks people give you when you dip your honey soaked hand in a jar of salt? Lots.  Looks I get when I put 5 cups of salt on 12 crackers? Perfect accompanyment, accomponymant? uhccompanyment? CHRIST!

Saltines.  Without salt, those crackers would be the equivalent of watching Deep Impact instead of Armageddon.  It is also impossible to eat just 2 sleeves of saltines.  Have you had less than 35 saltines in one sitting? Of course not. That is probably not even salt. Just crystal crank.

This Britianish website,http://www.americansweets.co.uk/american-nabisco-saltines-crackers-catering-size-500-count-box-519-p.asp, sells boxes of saltines! Boxes! So popular they are sold out for 2-4 weeks! Weird that they just can’t go to the schmiddly (or whatever the fuck slang brits have for 7-11’s and get some saltines.  No wonder they lost the revolution. USA USA USA USA!

Chilli, Cheese, Meet Saltines. Meet my Colon, now my toilet. That is the cosmic dance these friends do every friday in my Food System

All of this Saltine talk has made me sad.  I don’t have any.  It is cold in these parts and I don’t want to walk to the schmiddly.  Ohh well. Time to kill myself.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BIRDMAN Ft. NICKI MINAJ & WEEZY

They are very polite. They won’t shoot a school or a playground.  Song is hot.

Advertisements

5 Responses to “FOOD AWESOMENESS: SALTINES!”

  1. You think you can just stop writing, then start whenever the hell you and I will show up and read about the chili cheese saltine lovefest in your colon?

    Oh, yeah. Never mind.

  2. Dear lord. That song is horrible. Makes XV sound like Mozart.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: