Archive for February, 2012

THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO BLOGSVILLE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Humor, Music, Stupid with tags , , , , , , on February 29, 2012 by tsanda

“The Devil Went Down To Blogsville”

-The devil went down to Blogsville and he was looking for a blog to rip off.

He was in a bind ‘cos he was way behind and he didn’t really want to worry about grammar or punctuation.

When he came across this young sexy son of a bitch furiously doing yahoo image searches and stopping to masturbate like it’s hot.

And the Devil back flipped upon a hickory stump and said “Boy let me tell you what” “Why do you have a hickory stump in your house?”

“I guess you didn’t know it, but I’m a blog player too.”

“Well no, that’s not what I asked but okay” “And if you’d care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you.”

“My momma told me not to take dares from strangers, especially the devil… but I got a good feeling about you, sir.”

“Now you type a pretty amazing blog, boy, but give the Devil his due”

“Devil, that will be hard, I have never read any of your blog titles”

“I bet a bag of goldfish against your soul, ‘cos I think I’m gonna figuratively shit on your chest with words ‘cos I think I am better than you.”

The boy said: “Well that’s a pretty awesome bet.  I can handle figurative chest shitting and! I do love me some goldfish, and My name’s TsandA and it might be a sin,”But I’ll take your bet, wait a minute Mr. Devil, you get my soul and I get crackers? Sucker , ‘cos I’m pretty fucking amazing.”

TsandA you rosin up your mouse and mash that keyboard hard.
‘Cos hells broke loose in an unidentified western state and the Devil likes mediocre observational humor.
And if you win you get some pretty good crackers
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.  Wait, what? I just got that.  Fuck.  I thought you meant my Kia Soul.

The devil opened up his laptop case and he said: “I’ll start this show.”  Before he started TsandA said, “can you be the Devil as Al Pacino from The Devil’s Advocate?”  The Devil shrugged and said as long as I get your dog’s Soul too.  But then the Devil realized this man’s dog already sold his soul for so many Spurs championships!  Argh! Fine just yours!

And fire flew from his fingertips and he melted his computer.  We then had to go to Best Buy and get one of those nifty computers that can be dropped and burnt and stuff so we could blog duel.

And he put his scary red fingers across the keyboard and it made an evil hiss.  I told him that sounds like a boot error and he should call Geek Squad.
Then a typing pool of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.

(mashing keyboards and button noises that sounds like music and masterfulness ((shit what is our hero going to do is what you’re thinking during this interlude(((but don’t worry he is busy watching, NBA on TNT? shit aren’t you supposed to be preparing for blog battle?((((the what?, ahh drat, that soul thing again(((((I was hoping he would forget))))))

When the devil finished, TsandA said: “Wow that blog fucking sucks”.  It is just about your family trip to underground fiery volcano’s and pitchfork stabbing people.  Well I liked that part.

“But sit down in that chair, right there, and let me show you how its done.”

Space Explosions on the mountain, run Bill Nye, run.
The devil’s in the House of Payne.
Chicken in the bread pan, pickin’ out dough.
“Granny, does your dog bite?”
“No, child, no.”

Those last few lines don’t need changing they already make no sense.

The devil bowed his head  so TsandA could punch him in the back of the head
He laid a bag of pizza goldfish on the ground at TsandA’s feet.
TsandA said: “whoa, wait a friggen minute, pizza goldfish are terrible!” The Devil replied, “you should have read the fine print you hillbilly”

After a few minutes of reviewing the contract with his legal counsel TsandA threw up his hands in Pizza flavored agony and said,

“Devil just come on back if you ever want to get blog sodomized again”
“cause I told you once, you son of a gun, I’m  the “46,891st best there has ever been.”

To taunt that fucking asshole the Devil

He typed about Grilled Cheese with Arbys Sauce on a Cheesy Gordita Crunch , run Dauber from Coach, run.
The devil’s in the House M.D of the Rising Sun? (what?).
Chicken in the bread pan, now they’re pickin’ out dough.
“Granny, will your dog bite?”
“No, child, no.”

But then that lying grannies dog bite me.  It really hurt too.  I had to get some neosporin and then the next time I showered the wound burned like the dickens.  Damn it granny!  Why must you lie about such things!

Then the Devil came back and challenged me to a game of 1 on 1 backflips.  I lost! I should have not bet on something I cannot do.  At least this time it was only for my Kia Soul.  What? Regular soul again.  Damnit!

Me and The Devil getting to business. You say Jesus, I say me. If I never blog another blog you know I was just hit by lighting. I'd prefer Bigfoot attack but beggars cannot be choosers.

Why do religion people not show non religion people this photos?  That would convert 97% of the heathens immediately. The last 3% were just won over by me.  So you are welcome. Sirs and Maams.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

guess.

You thought it would be The Devil Went Down To Georgia? Are you kidding? I only play classics!  Plus I just murdered that song.  So, no thank you, Mr. Daniels.

NAMES AWESOMENESS: NAMES NICHOLAS CAGE HAS USED IN MOVIES!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies, Stuff with tags , , , , , on February 28, 2012 by tsanda

You may want to put on an adult diaper before you start reading this list.  About 100% guaranteed to make you either piss, shit or cream your pants.  Either way you will need some fresh leggings.

Balthazar Blake

Damon Macready

Benjamin Franklin Gates

Joe

Fu Manchu

Johnny Blaze

Yuri Orlov

Acid Yellow

Captain Antonio Corelli

Memphis Raines

Rick Santoro

Seth

Castor Troy

Sean Archer

Cameron Poe

Dr. Stanley Goodspeed

Little Junior Brown

Sailor Ripley

H.I McDunnough

Al Columbato

Fucking Seriously? There are people out there who don’t fucking like Nick Cage? Those names are National Treasures.  Pun totally intended, (bull whip noise) I have no idea how Caster Troy isn’t the number one baby name, boys and girls, every year running.  I nicknamed my dangus Dr. Stanley Goodspeed.  I like to tell girls that it’s more of a chemical superfreak.

The Homeless Sorcerer. Magnificent bastard pulls it off.

Dear Mom, Dear Dad.  Why is my name not Memphis Raines! Or Karl Malone! I would take either! Maybe somebody in my city counsel will read this and just do me a solid and change my name to Memphis Karl Malone Raines II JR Dr. Goodspeed Bees.

There really isn’t even anymore that is needed.  Just look at that list.  If Delroy Lindo was here talking about his best darn friend in the world, he would just simply say,”A brothers love, is a brothers love.”  That’s exactly how I feel about Nick Cage names.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

RICHARD MARX

RIGHT HERE WAITING

 

GUEST WRITING AWESOMENESS: BUSKET O CHEESEBALLS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Food, Humor with tags , , , , , , on February 27, 2012 by tsanda

Yeah, I use the word busket instead of bucket.  Fuck you, I’ll cut you.  Oh sorry, I didn’t mean for us to get off on the wrong foot. I’m guesting writing for today’s column.  If you’re wondering  I’ve tied Senior Johnson up, and dropped him in a hole in the woods.   Which means the only different thing than any other weekend is he’s tied up instead of peering through binoculars at wee lads on their cub scout camping trips.  Either way, he’s in the woods, and  it always ends up with someone using a Swiss Army Knife to get free.  Have you ever heard a British person say binoculars?  It’s great.

I want to spend my few minutes of fame with Mr. Johnsons readers to explain my love for something so awesome it gets put in a big ol’ busket.

BUSKET O CHEESE BALLS!

MY IDEA OF A SUPER BOWL POT-LUCK, EXCEPT SOME ASSHOLE BROUGHT A FOOTBALL INSTEAD OF A BUSKET O CHEESE BALLS

I tend to stay away from buskets as much as possible.  Nothing good happens when a busket is needed.  Mopping floors, painting, milking cows, and pooping(my toilet is currently broken).  Its just too much work.  That is until I found out about the busket o balls, cheeseballs.  For only about 6 dollars at your local warehouse superstore, you get a shit ton o balls.  Approximately 1440-2 million cheeseballs are in every busket, so it is indeed, work.  Especially when you’re trying to finish it in one sitting!  I know its going to make me sound like quite the sissy boy Nancy, but I have only finished 84% of my buskets in one sitting.  Yeah I keep cheeseball stats.  What’s it to you? I remember my 10thas well as my 10,000th cheeseball.    I’m the AC Green of Cheeseballin, I’m cute as a button, have played the game for 27 years, and no one really will remember me.

 

6 PACK OF CORONA AND BUSKET O CHEESEBALLS? YOU’RE GOING TO NEED MORE TOILET PAPER!

Have you ever heard Journey, and it sounds really Journeyish?  Almost like Journey is making fun of Journey?  That has nothing to do with cheeseballs, but you’re welcome.  Back to the fun part of those cheesy globes of the Gods.

“But Ironhead?  What’s with your fingers getting all orangey?”  you may ask Craig “Ironhead” Heyward.  “Those are motherfucking morsels of goodness waiting for your tongue to lick off your fingers foo!”  is probably the response you would get.  But you can’t have that conversation.  He’s dead.  So dead. RIP Ironhead.  I know what’s with that thingy.  Cheesy fingers just are a by product of deliciousness balls o cheese.  Can’t count how many times I’ve woken up with orange residue on all my electronics.  So Orange.  If you’re a lady coming over for a late night, expect that your titties are going to have orange handprints.  So orange.   I’d be lying if I said my penis has never been covered in orange powder after a lil me time.  So Orange.  It’s a rule that you cannot wash your hands after consuming said product. Always brings a smile to my face to see the awkward places I have laid my mark in cheesiness.  These balls are perfect for being thrown into your mouth by another.  Better take shooting those balls seriously.  Best believe if you’re chucking cheesethrows(my cheesy replacement for freethrows) like Shaq, and none are landing in my mouf, that you gonna get slapped.  Handprint on face. So Orange.

 

THIS SHIT WILL MAKE YOU A GODDAMN SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS

Little known fact is that the entire movie Predator was financed by cheeseballs.  Everyone knows the scene where Jessie “The Body” Ventura spits chewing tobacco on a shoe, and says “This stuff with make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus”. It was originally supposed to be “Blaine” hocking a big ol orange cheeseball loogie. Rumor has, in the end, that is all the Predator was after was Blaine’s busket o cheeseballs.  All of this was pulled of course, when scientists discovered that eating cheeseballs ACTUALLY MAKES YOU A GODDAMN SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS.

Yup.  That’s really all I got.  Til next time I want to spend 10 minutes of my work day commandeering this blog, have a Rauwesome afternoon.

 

-Ra Uni

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

I’m all out of cheeseballs, thus, I must cry…cry like the temptations would want me to.

Temptations- I Wish It Would Rain

 

FOOD AWESOMENESS: CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, blog, Dork, Food, Humor, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2012 by tsanda

I don’t know where the fuck the Bay of Cheddar (proper nouns are capitalized, boom.) is, I imagine a place of cheese near a bay.  I figure it is very literal.  I’ve looked on every map and in every book I own, which is one.  I certainly found Waldo but no Cheddar Bays.  Red Lobster is gross.  I’ve decided to completely ignore sensical segways and approach this from a very schizophrenic mindset.  Banana.  Red Lobs is a buttery catfish, fried and served with iceberg lettuce for $20.00.  I have no idea why people go there. I have probably had it 10 times and the only thing I get when I go is diarrhea; maybe heart burn if I’m lucky.  Then a light showned on my face and I asked the server to turn off the flood light that was over my table.  She said that it came on because of the tornado outside and I had to go to the basement for shelter and survival.  Bossy.  As people are running for their lives I see a half eaten biscuit sitting on a nearby table.  Seducing me. Rabbits.  I’m thinking this isn’t the biscuit plaza down on 8th street.  This is the shit lobster.  So I do what most people probably do at that time.  I eat off somebody else’s plate. Jeez stop judging me, I didn’t say I ate out of the toilet.  But, on a unrelated note, you didn’t see any cheddar bay biscuits floating in there did you?  Okay, just making sure. Carmel sandwich.  The homeless dumpster man outback always tries to steal my toilet food.

Sorry, I fast forwarded to the future to much.  Rewind to the past.  I don’t know where Cheddar Bay is.  Wait to far. So monkey tricycle. Wait, to far forward. Eating off a strangers plate. Ahhh just right.  Or Just Wright, the just cheerfully romantic movie where Queen Latifa somehow gets a person to love her.  Queen Latifa has a couple choices for who would love her. Common and LL Cool J are neither.

#1.

Might even be out of Latifah's league.

#2.

Pizza the Hut. Although a wild night of Latifah will probably result in her being fatter and him being dead.

Although, if you are a stickler for history, Pizza the Hut already died when he ate himself.  But you get my reference.  Queen Latifah eats full humans anyways so no reason to make it a pizza monster.

Did you know that Queen L endorses Pizza Hut and Jenny Craig.  She walks out of Pizza Hut and into Jenny Craig.  Cashes checks the whole time.  Fuck how is that not my life.  I hang outside Jenny Craigs and Pizza Huts all the time.  Why is it that I am only arrested?

So, I put this cheddary bay biscuit in my mouth and it melts.  Like a cheddar filled bread M&M.  I get it.  I get why people go to Red Lobster.  Those fucking heaven sent biscuits are National Treasures. NT3CBB (National Treasure Three: Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

Hey, Latifa! Stay away from Cheddar Bay. I would kill myself if you ate all the biscuits. Stay away from Pizza Hut and Lyle Lovett for that matter.

Weirdest thing I have seen in a while?  A UPS man, raking a alley.  He then got into a BMW wagon and drove away.  I promise I saw this.  What can Brown do for you?  Apparently rake alleys. True hero.  Thanks guy.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

WZRD (Kid Cudi & Dot Da Genius)

Teleport 2 Me, Jamie (fucking awesome Desire sample from Drive)

 

Fuck Waldo! Goldbug Forever!

 

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Dork, Humor, Monsters, Movies, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , on February 21, 2012 by tsanda

I saw a preview for this movie and I can say I am pretty excited.  I have really weird and specific fetishes.  Top Hats, Beards, Hatches…. Hatches?  I wrote hatches and then kept going.  Then I did a proofing read.  What! Yes, sometimes I go back and read things over.  I like to dust off the old write source 2000 and do some grammar.  I also don’t really like misspells that aren’t on purpose.  It shows people the vast array of the English dictionary I haven’t memorized, yet!  You don’t know the write source 2000?  Back in twenty aught aught that write source was mind blowing information.  It is kinda dated now with the nationalized removal of periods act of 2007 and the hyphen revolt of ’11.  But you can still find some word information in there.  I really enjoy when the word program gives me squiggly green lines under words and I can click to the option “ignore grammar” makes me feel like the master of the universe.  I tried to just write that on my college essays but always failed to invoke laughs.  I also failed to invoke passing.

That Pen is a rocket ship. Pen is. It's a dick joke. Ahhhhhhhh. Yes.

Write source 8000? Did a terminator come back in time to solve my grammar issues, with future grammar knowledge.  So that this blog never existed? Whoa. Blowing my noodle.  That isn’t a invitation to blow me.  But, if any robots from the future would like to? That would be another very specific fetish.

Hatchets.  You didn’t get that I was talking about hatchets? Do you even read this?  I honestly won’t blame you if you don’t…  So couple those fetishes with my enjoyment of dark movie theaters next to junior highs and I will be having a pretty good afternoon when that flick comes out.  I have no idea if it will be good or not.  I kinda lean towards no.  Everybody knows Abe Lincoln was afraid of the dark.  How the hell could he go vampire hunting if he always needs a night light on.  The real movie should be Einstein Swamp Monster Assassin.  Swamp Monsters are notorious for hating relativity.  Einstein had a thing for it.  He also liked shotguns mounted on wheelbarrows.

You don’t know this weapon?! I invented it.  Its a wheelbarrow with shotguns attached to the handles.  You run at things, preferably Swamp Monsters, or Ted Nugents.  As you charge and battle cry, you pull the shotgun triggers and blow some brains on to floors.  As your prey is slumping over dead.  You catch the carcass in the wheel barrow and dump it off a cliff or into a volcano.  It is pretty much the most efficient form of murder.  Other than maybe the old acid in the refrigerator trick.  Melts em every time.

Whoa.  That wheelbarrow shotgun idea is pretty fucking awesome.  You do not have my permission to steal that shit. Or you will find me and Einstein outside your crib with 2 wheelbarrows, 4 shotguns and stomach full of peach schnaps.  Or Fish Oil if we just woke up. Gotta stay healthy.  Gotta keep that mind tight. We might get hungry maybe some freshly jerkyied swamp monster jerky.  You know, absord that schnaps.

Time for Visual Math.

So what if I keep my shotguns on the floor? I like to show the rats what the fuck is up.

+ (addition symbol)

The Pink Taco. Einstein's trusty murder barrow.

+

You say kid in a costume. I say about to murdered monster. Hope he likes dying.

Great fucking post tonight Kid!.  I like to give myself Boston Accented positive self talk.  I close my eyes and imagine I am writing this post in either Good Will Hunting, Gone Baby Gone or The Town. I also like to put periods after exclamation points.  It lets the reader know that the excitement is over….For Now.

 

What tunes for today!?

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ARCADE FIRE – MODERN MAN

dang.

THAT SQUIRREL STOLE MY TORTILLA!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, comedy, Humor, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , on February 15, 2012 by tsanda

I was walking my pet dog tonight.  I’ve tried to get him a membership to curves but he is to embarrassed.  He says he has to lose a few more pounds to keep up with the sweet babes that he will be working up a sweat with.

Getting some sexy thighs. Daddy needs a stick a butter, a baseball mitt and a jason mask. Time to get nasty

For those of you who know my pet dog.  He would fit in perfectly at curves.  Blasting that fat.

So were are walking.  I see this cute as a basket of buttons squirrel holding half a tortilla.  So I said “Hey, Squirrel, you stole my Tortilla!”.  It was like heaven parted the red seas and inspiration struck.  I was going to take a photograph of it.  I was going to tag that photograph with the witty catch phrase of “that squirrel stole my tortilla”.  It was going to get its own post and maybe a separate facebook tag.  I don’t know the possibilities were breath taking.  People were going to start saying, “that squirrel stole my tortilla”.  I was ready to rake in my millions and be famous like John Stamos.  What happens? My pet dog scares him away before I have time to instagram that fucking squirrel.  Ohh dog of mine.  Back to the drawing board.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

CLAP YOUR HANDS AND SAY YEAH!

MISSPENT YOUTH

my 2nd favorite song of 11.

TWO AWESOME SONGS?

—–

Maybe I could walk around and just say “Lego my Eggo?” to random people.  Extra emphasis on the question mark.  Maybe I’ll even just say “question mark” at the end.

YES! PAY ME!

 

 

 

AUTOMOBILE AWESOMENESS: THE MERCURY SABLE!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 14, 2012 by tsanda

There are cars that supposedly define a generation.  The 1991 Ferrari Testarossa. The 1967 Stingray Corvette. The 57′ Chevy.  Bullshit.  All of them without character; testicle-less bullshit.  The car. The pinnacle of automotive technology. The. 2002. Mercury. Sable. Words. With. Immediate. Periods. For. Effect. Wor.ds. Wi.th. Per.iod.s i.n. t…h….e…m.

This car can drive through walls and cure cancer. It can fly and submarine. It can do barrel rolls and outrun bullets. It can fight a sasquatch or bigfoot depending on your geographic local.  It has been to the moon and sun.  It saw the first dinosaur and then killed them all.  Not the asteroids? Nope.  Mercury Sable. It goes 0-60 in 0.00 seconds.  It ended the Cold War. It starred in The Tree of Life ( it really could have, I have no idea what the fuck happened in that movie).  It robs the poor and gives to the rich. It then robs the rich and gives it back to the poor.

If supermodels were cars. They would be the Mercury Sable.

I'd Fuck Me. That's what the Mercury Sable says when it tucks its d and b's and dances to Goodbye Horses.

Damn girl. Look at that thing. It is magnificent.  I’m sorry, I need to cut this short.  I have to spend 47 seconds in the restroom.

I masterbated to the Mercury Sable.

Ohh you got it? I beat you over the head with this stuff? Shit. I thought I was being subtle. Ohh well then, I don’t have to be ashamed.  I’m gonna round 2 this bad boy.

Awesome Song of the Day

The War on Drugs

Arms Like Boulders