THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO BLOGSVILLE!

“The Devil Went Down To Blogsville”

-The devil went down to Blogsville and he was looking for a blog to rip off.

He was in a bind ‘cos he was way behind and he didn’t really want to worry about grammar or punctuation.

When he came across this young sexy son of a bitch furiously doing yahoo image searches and stopping to masturbate like it’s hot.

And the Devil back flipped upon a hickory stump and said “Boy let me tell you what” “Why do you have a hickory stump in your house?”

“I guess you didn’t know it, but I’m a blog player too.”

“Well no, that’s not what I asked but okay” “And if you’d care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you.”

“My momma told me not to take dares from strangers, especially the devil… but I got a good feeling about you, sir.”

“Now you type a pretty amazing blog, boy, but give the Devil his due”

“Devil, that will be hard, I have never read any of your blog titles”

“I bet a bag of goldfish against your soul, ‘cos I think I’m gonna figuratively shit on your chest with words ‘cos I think I am better than you.”

The boy said: “Well that’s a pretty awesome bet.  I can handle figurative chest shitting and! I do love me some goldfish, and My name’s TsandA and it might be a sin,”But I’ll take your bet, wait a minute Mr. Devil, you get my soul and I get crackers? Sucker , ‘cos I’m pretty fucking amazing.”

TsandA you rosin up your mouse and mash that keyboard hard.
‘Cos hells broke loose in an unidentified western state and the Devil likes mediocre observational humor.
And if you win you get some pretty good crackers
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.  Wait, what? I just got that.  Fuck.  I thought you meant my Kia Soul.

The devil opened up his laptop case and he said: “I’ll start this show.”  Before he started TsandA said, “can you be the Devil as Al Pacino from The Devil’s Advocate?”  The Devil shrugged and said as long as I get your dog’s Soul too.  But then the Devil realized this man’s dog already sold his soul for so many Spurs championships!  Argh! Fine just yours!

And fire flew from his fingertips and he melted his computer.  We then had to go to Best Buy and get one of those nifty computers that can be dropped and burnt and stuff so we could blog duel.

And he put his scary red fingers across the keyboard and it made an evil hiss.  I told him that sounds like a boot error and he should call Geek Squad.
Then a typing pool of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.

(mashing keyboards and button noises that sounds like music and masterfulness ((shit what is our hero going to do is what you’re thinking during this interlude(((but don’t worry he is busy watching, NBA on TNT? shit aren’t you supposed to be preparing for blog battle?((((the what?, ahh drat, that soul thing again(((((I was hoping he would forget))))))

When the devil finished, TsandA said: “Wow that blog fucking sucks”.  It is just about your family trip to underground fiery volcano’s and pitchfork stabbing people.  Well I liked that part.

“But sit down in that chair, right there, and let me show you how its done.”

Space Explosions on the mountain, run Bill Nye, run.
The devil’s in the House of Payne.
Chicken in the bread pan, pickin’ out dough.
“Granny, does your dog bite?”
“No, child, no.”

Those last few lines don’t need changing they already make no sense.

The devil bowed his head  so TsandA could punch him in the back of the head
He laid a bag of pizza goldfish on the ground at TsandA’s feet.
TsandA said: “whoa, wait a friggen minute, pizza goldfish are terrible!” The Devil replied, “you should have read the fine print you hillbilly”

After a few minutes of reviewing the contract with his legal counsel TsandA threw up his hands in Pizza flavored agony and said,

“Devil just come on back if you ever want to get blog sodomized again”
“cause I told you once, you son of a gun, I’m  the “46,891st best there has ever been.”

To taunt that fucking asshole the Devil

He typed about Grilled Cheese with Arbys Sauce on a Cheesy Gordita Crunch , run Dauber from Coach, run.
The devil’s in the House M.D of the Rising Sun? (what?).
Chicken in the bread pan, now they’re pickin’ out dough.
“Granny, will your dog bite?”
“No, child, no.”

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But then that lying grannies dog bite me.  It really hurt too.  I had to get some neosporin and then the next time I showered the wound burned like the dickens.  Damn it granny!  Why must you lie about such things!

Then the Devil came back and challenged me to a game of 1 on 1 backflips.  I lost! I should have not bet on something I cannot do.  At least this time it was only for my Kia Soul.  What? Regular soul again.  Damnit!

Me and The Devil getting to business. You say Jesus, I say me. If I never blog another blog you know I was just hit by lighting. I'd prefer Bigfoot attack but beggars cannot be choosers.

Why do religion people not show non religion people this photos?  That would convert 97% of the heathens immediately. The last 3% were just won over by me.  So you are welcome. Sirs and Maams.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

guess.

You thought it would be The Devil Went Down To Georgia? Are you kidding? I only play classics!  Plus I just murdered that song.  So, no thank you, Mr. Daniels.

NAMES AWESOMENESS: NAMES NICHOLAS CAGE HAS USED IN MOVIES!

You may want to put on an adult diaper before you start reading this list.  About 100% guaranteed to make you either piss, shit or cream your pants.  Either way you will need some fresh leggings.

Balthazar Blake

Damon Macready

Benjamin Franklin Gates

Joe

Fu Manchu

Johnny Blaze

Yuri Orlov

Acid Yellow

Captain Antonio Corelli

Memphis Raines

Rick Santoro

Seth

Castor Troy

Sean Archer

Cameron Poe

Dr. Stanley Goodspeed

Little Junior Brown

Sailor Ripley

H.I McDunnough

Al Columbato

Fucking Seriously? There are people out there who don’t fucking like Nick Cage? Those names are National Treasures.  Pun totally intended, (bull whip noise) I have no idea how Caster Troy isn’t the number one baby name, boys and girls, every year running.  I nicknamed my dangus Dr. Stanley Goodspeed.  I like to tell girls that it’s more of a chemical superfreak.

The Homeless Sorcerer. Magnificent bastard pulls it off.

Dear Mom, Dear Dad.  Why is my name not Memphis Raines! Or Karl Malone! I would take either! Maybe somebody in my city counsel will read this and just do me a solid and change my name to Memphis Karl Malone Raines II JR Dr. Goodspeed Bees.

There really isn’t even anymore that is needed.  Just look at that list.  If Delroy Lindo was here talking about his best darn friend in the world, he would just simply say,”A brothers love, is a brothers love.”  That’s exactly how I feel about Nick Cage names.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

RICHARD MARX

RIGHT HERE WAITING

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GUEST WRITING AWESOMENESS: BUSKET O CHEESEBALLS!

Yeah, I use the word busket instead of bucket.  Fuck you, I’ll cut you.  Oh sorry, I didn’t mean for us to get off on the wrong foot. I’m guesting writing for today’s column.  If you’re wondering  I’ve tied Senior Johnson up, and dropped him in a hole in the woods.   Which means the only different thing than any other weekend is he’s tied up instead of peering through binoculars at wee lads on their cub scout camping trips.  Either way, he’s in the woods, and  it always ends up with someone using a Swiss Army Knife to get free.  Have you ever heard a British person say binoculars?  It’s great.

I want to spend my few minutes of fame with Mr. Johnsons readers to explain my love for something so awesome it gets put in a big ol’ busket.

BUSKET O CHEESE BALLS!

MY IDEA OF A SUPER BOWL POT-LUCK, EXCEPT SOME ASSHOLE BROUGHT A FOOTBALL INSTEAD OF A BUSKET O CHEESE BALLS

I tend to stay away from buskets as much as possible.  Nothing good happens when a busket is needed.  Mopping floors, painting, milking cows, and pooping(my toilet is currently broken).  Its just too much work.  That is until I found out about the busket o balls, cheeseballs.  For only about 6 dollars at your local warehouse superstore, you get a shit ton o balls.  Approximately 1440-2 million cheeseballs are in every busket, so it is indeed, work.  Especially when you’re trying to finish it in one sitting!  I know its going to make me sound like quite the sissy boy Nancy, but I have only finished 84% of my buskets in one sitting.  Yeah I keep cheeseball stats.  What’s it to you? I remember my 10^thas well as my 10,000^th cheeseball.    I’m the AC Green of Cheeseballin, I’m cute as a button, have played the game for 27 years, and no one really will remember me.

 

6 PACK OF CORONA AND BUSKET O CHEESEBALLS? YOU’RE GOING TO NEED MORE TOILET PAPER!

Have you ever heard Journey, and it sounds really Journeyish?  Almost like Journey is making fun of Journey?  That has nothing to do with cheeseballs, but you’re welcome.  Back to the fun part of those cheesy globes of the Gods.

“But Ironhead?  What’s with your fingers getting all orangey?”  you may ask Craig “Ironhead” Heyward.  “Those are motherfucking morsels of goodness waiting for your tongue to lick off your fingers foo!”  is probably the response you would get.  But you can’t have that conversation.  He’s dead.  So dead. RIP Ironhead.  I know what’s with that thingy.  Cheesy fingers just are a by product of deliciousness balls o cheese.  Can’t count how many times I’ve woken up with orange residue on all my electronics.  So Orange.  If you’re a lady coming over for a late night, expect that your titties are going to have orange handprints.  So orange.   I’d be lying if I said my penis has never been covered in orange powder after a lil me time.  So Orange.  It’s a rule that you cannot wash your hands after consuming said product. Always brings a smile to my face to see the awkward places I have laid my mark in cheesiness.  These balls are perfect for being thrown into your mouth by another.  Better take shooting those balls seriously.  Best believe if you’re chucking cheesethrows(my cheesy replacement for freethrows) like Shaq, and none are landing in my mouf, that you gonna get slapped.  Handprint on face. So Orange.

 

THIS SHIT WILL MAKE YOU A GODDAMN SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS

Little known fact is that the entire movie Predator was financed by cheeseballs.  Everyone knows the scene where Jessie “The Body” Ventura spits chewing tobacco on a shoe, and says “This stuff with make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus”. It was originally supposed to be “Blaine” hocking a big ol orange cheeseball loogie. Rumor has, in the end, that is all the Predator was after was Blaine’s busket o cheeseballs.  All of this was pulled of course, when scientists discovered that eating cheeseballs ACTUALLY MAKES YOU A GODDAMN SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS.

Yup.  That’s really all I got.  Til next time I want to spend 10 minutes of my work day commandeering this blog, have a Rauwesome afternoon.

 

-Ra Uni

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

I’m all out of cheeseballs, thus, I must cry…cry like the temptations would want me to.

Temptations- I Wish It Would Rain

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