Archive for September, 2011

KITTY NO!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, awesome song of the day, blog, comedy, Dork, happiness :), Humor, Internet Photographs, Pictures, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , on September 26, 2011 by tsanda

Sometimes I just search google and yahoo images for sweet pictures that get my creative juices flowin. I find that the internet pretty much has two main uses.

1. The obvious.  Porn.  Boobs and vaginas with dicks around them.

2. Adorable kitties and puppies.

Which is fine with me.  I love having titty jobs as my computer background and I rub out so much to I can Haz cheezburger.  Life is good for ole me.

But I lost my arousement today when I saw this “adorable” photo.

KITTY NO!

Somebody needs to punch that cat away from that candle.  Your fur is so soft and dry that it will just explode into a tiny mushroom cloud of cute fireball and your owner’s house will smell terrible!  Needless to say nobody likes hairless cats.

I do.

Of course you do Balkey from Perfect Strangers.  Jeez say it once say it a million times.  Foreigners!

See. Ewww. Fucking monster. Probably rape you if it could.

 

Now what about real cats?

I've got an idea. Take Phantom of the Opera. Make it suck. Cats. Done. Probably also equally likely to rape you.

You know what I love? Dogs and little kids that get the beauty of Rocky III.

No mesh half shirts? Half assed re-creation. Oh wait, that dog is eating that kid? Perfect 10.

Bear Portraits?

Bear Portrait

Ahhh Old Clemons. I boxed him to death. What a good friend he was. Good sport about the whole me punching him to death thing.

You ever start something and have no idea how the end happened? Where did the bear portrait come from you say? The internet.

Awesome Song of The Day #161

The Psychedelic Furs

Love My Way

Holy Shit. Whoever the 11 people are on youtube are that don’t like this video better watch out for when I ram my car into your house…. Just Sayin.

COMMENTS AWESOMENESS: SPAM!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Music with tags , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2011 by tsanda

I am the kinda guy who doesn’t really care where comments come from.  You comment on my stuff and you’re my hero.  Did you ever know? Comments equal digital hand jobs.  Maybe that is because when I read the comments I am usually touching myself, in front of a mirror, naked. Well, not entirely naked, I usually have a belt around my neck, that counts as clothing I am pretty sure.  You know you get caught at your local elementary school hanging in their bathroom from a belt and all of a sudden you have to introduce yourself to all of your neighbors.  Which was nice, I was meaning to introduce myself to them anyways.  I get a few comments.  Random stragglers, OMA … that is about it.  The bulk of my comments come from what WordPress calls ‘spam’.  Really WP, Sex-dating.com’s comment of “i love your sites big information, thanks for read” can’t be a real comment?

What about Xsixioucioriu’s comment of “xjlkajoieurlkajkjfioulalirkljeaijlakd”  I don’t speak bellarussian.  That could totally say.  “You should have my babies.”    On a side note.  Xsixioucioriu, i would love to have your babies, but I am not Arnold so it might not work.  We will figure out a way to be together forever, Xsixioucioriu.  I love you.

Free internet pills found the information on my site very educational and looked forward to more fun facts.  I mean if you read this site that is a completely realistic response to what I write about.  Education and fun facts! I am Mr. Fun Facts!.  That’s actually my pet name for my penis.  Hey, Mr. Fun Facts stop helicoptering all the time!

So I say.  WP, let me be the judge of what is and what is not a spam message.  I say, commenter, Mom.  Who says.  “You have problems and are not allowed back for Christmas dinner you jerk.” Is 100% spam from some stupid spam machine trying to sell ham’s.

But, Organic Digeridoo’s, who claim to be my favorite fan ever can post whenever they like.

yeah!

Yay!

Whoohoo!

Who wants to listen to some tunes!

I know Xsixioucioriu does!

AWESOME MUSIC OF THE DAY #160

NEON INDIAN

POLISH GIRL

and dance!

FROZEN TREAT AWESOMENESS: OTTER POPS!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, awesome song of the day, blog, comedy, Dork, Food, Humor, Music with tags , , , , , , , , on September 10, 2011 by tsanda

Otter Pops are about 5 cents a piece.  Which is fucking crazy because I have been killing people for years for otter pops.  I didn’t realize I could afford them. Color me embarrassed and a serial killer.  When I was a kid I was a cereal killer but I found that eating real people was way more satisfying than eating Capt. Crunch.  Much more paleo to eat human flesh.

Note * Mom, I am not a cannibal…

Note * My mom doesn’t read this…

Note * I am a cannibal…

Summer is hot.  That sun is an asshole.  … You need a frozen treat to keep those core temperatures down when playing with your micro machines in the sand box or starting ants on fire…Double Dutch on the asphalt is a one way ticket to heat stroke mister!  Wait a minute my mom does read this! Yeah! Thanks mom!.  I will put on sun tan lotions I promise.

When you eat regular popsicles there are so many pit falls you can get into.  Breaking off too big a piece into your mouth, then your tongue and cheeks get way to cold as you try to deal with this situation.  It drips on your fingers and then they are way sticky.  You have to put up with worse jokes on the stick then even I come up with… If you’re roughhousing you are going to stab your eyes out with that weapon if you’re not careful.

Missing Eye

Tragic Popsicle Tragedy, I but he wishes he would have bought otter pops! All he wants is an Otter Pop to soothe his soul and gapping face wound.

Otter Pops are superior to all other frozen treats in nearly every way.  Mainly because they come in packs of one thousand and fifty-five.  You need an entire empty freezer to keep all of the otter pops at bay.  But usually only need 1 day to eat them all.  Not to mention all the wacky flavors! Cherry! Whoa! Grape!!! GRAPE!!! HOLY FUCK GRAPE!!!

Sea Otters

Otters choking down seaweed when the Otter Pops ran out.

The moral of the story is that Otters are cute.  Losing an eye is real shitty and I can finally stop killing people.  Today was a good day.

You know what sucks more than no Otter Pops?  Standing outside of a broken phone booth with money in your hand.

Awesome Song of The Day #159

Primitive Radio Gods

Standing Outside…fuck it I’m not writing that all out again.

Shit quality, but what are ya gonna do its vevo.

SCIENCE FICTION AWESOMENESS: TRACTOR BEAMS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Lasers, Science, Space, star wars, Stuff, Technology, The Future! with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 7, 2011 by tsanda

Science tells us of magic force fields that bring stuff towards other stuff.  I’ve seen examples such as space craft, other space craft, larger space craft and medium sized space craft.

Where did you learn that?

Physics.

Physics isn’t an answer.  It is just  a nonsensical response.

Physics doesn’t think so.

What?

Yup.

Jeez, Balkey from Perfect Strangers really doesn’t get MENSA level stuff does he. Probably because he is foreign….

Okay, so tractor beams are an awesome part of space.  There is no gravity and people are always trying to fly away from you.  Just because they don’t want to see what you have under that trench coat doesn’t mean they always have to light speed away from Dinner Parties like that.  I have feelings too god damnit.  Do you know how much time it takes to deep fry a predator? Let alone kill one??? I have to hire so many bums to go kill just 1 predator.

If you could have personal tractor beams that would be so awesome.  I would tractor beam so many cupcakes into my mouth.  I would tractor beam bees at other people.  I bet they have a reverse switch.  Bees or nails, or bees and nails.  Nails would put holes in you that bees would fly into and sting and then lay eggs in and then the eggs would hatch and bee babies would stings your insides! Final Destination eat your fucking heart out.  I would tractor beam my bed to me, then tractor beam a girl towards my junk… Wait a minute…. I think tractor beaming girls against their will towards your space privates is like space rape.  I take that one back.  Forgot I ever said that one.  It never happened….

But I will totally beam some fucking cheezits up in this bitch.  This bitch being my apartment, and up being in a straight line, because up is the ceiling and I am not a spider man.  I got bit by a spider once and all I got was this hole in my face.  I won’t go to the doctor yet, not until Obamacare is real.  Who would pay for health care when I can maybe will get it for free in like 4 years.  I’ve pretty much got life figured out.

Time to tractor beam you some music.

(vrooooommooomomomomvroomomoomomooooooo) = tractor beam noises.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #158

PETE AND THE PIRATES – CAN’T FISH

OUT!

 

LAUNDRY AWESOMENESS: SLEEPING ON A BLANKET!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor on September 5, 2011 by tsanda

So, I am lazy as fuck.  Which is a messed up saying because lazy people are not out fucking anything.  Either they are too lazy to go get fucked, or they are a lazy fuck in which case word gets around and nobody is lining up to fuck them….Not that I know anything about either of those situations… just… guessing….

I did my laundry it is totally clean. Sitting in a laundry basket, it’s white basket full of my clean draws, (no I am not a racist, that is apparently the only color they come in…. and yes  it just happens to be my favorite color, and totally full of power…)((I was always wondering when would be a good time for some white power jokes… apparently never…))

Laundry Basket

Racist Fucking Basket.

I miss my mom.  All of this shit would be in my closet or nicely folded.  All of these wrinkles would be dead.  These treads would smell like a fucking mountain meadow and not like the piss my dog just sprinkled on it because he’s an ass.  Instead I have been sleeping on a blanket, under another blanket.  Guess what laundry, go fuck yourself. This blanket is soft as hell! It is like sleeping on fucking cloud! I spend all night rubbing my balls on this blanket and I wake up totally refreshed.  Throw my arms up and say… “lets go day!” Then Bill Nye tells me to stop being so loud he is trying to sleep.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

GET BUSY COMMITTEE  – OPENING CEREMONY