I have been doing a lot of investigative journalism lately. I have so many important facts to blow the lid off of. So many corporations are going down and so many politicians will be forced to kill them selves in shame. It will be craaaazy, yes with 4 a’s, that crazy. I am afraid for my life. I am not sure if I will be alive after I post this shit…. I can feel them triangulating my brain waves already. Beyonce and Rhianna are going to fuck my shit up.
Wait, the NFL draft is on? Hold the fucking phone!
Why would I want to hold it?
I don’t know it means hold on.
Well then just say hold on.
Okay keep your pants on…
What? Why would I take my pants off… we aren’t going anywhere… I only take my pants off when we go to movie theaters and elementary school plays. Zoo’s also. I have to sleep with pants on though. I don’t want the monster under my bed to eat my dong off.
I don’t know, slow your roll.
My roll? Like a kaiser roll? Slow it? Like cook it slower?
I don’t know. Fucking Billy Zane and your facts.
But the illuminati can wait. I need to make sure I know who will be trying out for a sports team next year. I really try to take in the local little league try outs but parents always chase me away. Luckily I can watch these fellows from the privacy of the tv in my bathroom. Wait a minute this sport isn’t even planning on playing next season? That’s a shitty draft night. Hey kid! You are the first pick and your award! Unemployement! Sounds like most other recent college grads. I like how the guy who is locking out the NFL players is greeting them to their new lockout.
I feel this is something I can get behind. Award and recognition ceremonies that result in no award or money or recognition. The oscars that award the cancellation of your contact with 21st Century Fox, that would be awesome. Just Ron Howard, karate chopping cinematographers in the balls and then a orchestra playing.
When I got drafted to work for a giant corporation nobody held up a jersey and gave me a hat to wear.
Fucking Charlie Sheen. I am winning.
AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #156
BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS