Archive for April, 2011

The Night of Dreams: THE NFL DRAFT!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Sports on April 28, 2011 by tsanda

I have been doing a lot of investigative journalism lately. I have so many important facts to blow the lid off of.  So many corporations are going down and so many politicians will be forced to kill them selves in shame.  It will be craaaazy, yes with 4 a’s, that crazy. I am afraid for my life.  I am not sure if I will be alive after I post this shit…. I can feel them triangulating my brain waves already. Beyonce and Rhianna are going to fuck my shit up.

Free Masons

Every building, business, celebrity, rich person, jet ski owner, lumberjack, grizzly bears, martians, news anchors, my neighbor, ted dansens... are out to create a super race. And I wasn't fucking invited.

Wait, the NFL draft is on? Hold the fucking phone!

What phone?

This phone.

Why would I want to hold it?

I don’t know it means hold on.

Well then just say hold on.

Okay keep your pants on…

What? Why would I take my pants off… we aren’t going anywhere… I only take my pants off when we go to movie theaters and elementary school plays. Zoo’s also. I have to sleep with pants on though.  I don’t want the monster under my bed to eat my dong off.

I don’t know, slow your roll.

My roll? Like a kaiser roll? Slow it? Like cook it slower?

I don’t know. Fucking Billy Zane and your facts.

But the illuminati can wait.  I need to make sure I know who will be trying out for a sports team next year.  I really try to take in the local little league try outs but parents always chase me away.  Luckily I can watch these fellows from the privacy of the tv in my bathroom.  Wait a minute this sport isn’t even planning on playing next season? That’s a shitty draft night.  Hey kid! You are the first pick and your award! Unemployement! Sounds like most other recent college grads.  I like how the guy who is locking out the NFL players is greeting them to their new lockout.

Draft

The falcons. Sorry kid. Not much of a present. I bet he would rather get a karate chop in the balls from Ron Howard (wait for it)

I feel this is something I can get behind.  Award and recognition ceremonies that result in no award or money or recognition.  The oscars that award the cancellation of your contact with 21st Century Fox, that would be awesome.  Just Ron Howard, karate chopping cinematographers in the balls and then a orchestra playing.

When I got drafted to work for a giant corporation nobody held up a jersey and gave me a hat to wear.

Fucking Charlie Sheen.  I am winning.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #156

THE STREETS

BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS

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FIGHTING TECHNIQUES AWESOMENESS: EATING SOMEBODY’S EYES OUT!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor with tags , , , , , , , on April 25, 2011 by tsanda

I have been around, you expect that now.  When I am not sleeping under your bed I am sleeping in it.  It is really comfy.  I am looking at you OMA, your bed is awesome.  But I have been slowly working on a new masterpiece about manliness it should launch sometime between now and next Haley Bop comet. Me and my cohort are going to melt some minds with that shit.

But I got to thinking my first love needed some dry humping, so I figured i’d come make a post.  I call blogging dry humping. It really gets people confused at the blogging conferences, it also makes me really embarrassed when I talk to girls.

I’ve been in my fair share of battle royales so I know a few things about dismantling people when my fists and feet.  Punching and kicking beats people up.  But it takes a while and I get all sorts of tuckered. I needed a new mastery of martial arts to end fights faster.  What does everybody have that are weaknesses? Chins? Nope some people have amazing chins, hit them with bricks and they just won’t go down. Temples? Same garbage … but… eyeballs? You can eat somebody’s eyeballs out of their face and they go down screaming followed by dying.  It is perfect.  It doesn’t take much time and they are never expecting it.  Eye balls are high in fiber. Sometimes they poop out like corn, full eyeballs!

Hey! Kickboxer!

-What?

Nom Nom Nom!

-AHHH! my EYES! I am dead!

That is exactly what happens over and over again.   I have become drunk on eyeball juice! I need more eyeballs! I could single handedly win all wars.  Navy Seals are defunct.  I would just eat some white face circles.

My only weakness? Blind people.  They just kick me in the throat and laugh.  I haven’t figured out there weakness yet. What about your noses though.  I have an idea….

You know what all of these people have in common? They haven't met me yet aka... I haven't had an eye eating orgy today.

I am just joshing ya! I don’t eat eyes.  They are so gross! But I sure like potato chips.

—-

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #155

XV – SWERVIN

best rap release of the year so far. Just fyi.

But if anybody wants to go eat some bums eyes I wouldn’t count it out…

TINY CARS AWESOMENESS: MATCHBOX CARS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, clothing, Dork, Toys on April 4, 2011 by tsanda

I bet so many people stumbled onto this post because they were looking for stuff about Matchbox 20.  Suckers, that is how I get all of my traffic.  Wordsense, or wordplay, or adsense or something to do with food so fatties search for it. Well it is not a total loss.

Why? Because here is a random picture of Rob Thomas!

Rob Thomas

I think he is staring at a banana.

Why would rob thomas stare at a banana like he wants to sex it? What else do you do with a banana?

But while I listen to matchbox 20 I play with Matchbox cars.  I like to keep my music and toys similar. I read Grapes of Wrath while playing the Grape Escape.  I listen to yellow submarine while I urinate, in a submarine.  Maggot Brain? Use your imagination… Yup, I snort maggots.  Maggot Brain has to be the best 10 minute song about maggots and brains.

Matchbox cars are so neat though.  You can practice getting into car accidents at a young age.  I like games that prepare me for adult hood.  Like construction toys at the playground.  I like to recreate fake traffic jams on really hot days with my matchbox cars.  Me and my friend put all of our cars in a traffic jam, then give each other the finger and yell, who is this friend? I thought you had no friends, you ask, well, we will call him Hobo Joe, not because he is a hobo, well he lives in my sandbox, and he doesn’t have a home, which I guess according to dictionaries makes him a hobo, but maybe because his name is Joe, I think I am going to eliminate periods from my keyboard, i only like commas, they are so versatile, like Hobo Joe, he once killed one of my neighbors because they were getting mad that we were, throwing, dog tu,rds over, the, fence, com,ma.

Where was I? Hobo Joe just tried to eat a worm. Gross. I never liked kids who ate worms.  Hobo joe and I are over.  Shit he is trying to kill me. Okay I got him first.  How? Easy, bear. Bear? Yeah that bear I wrestled, i trapped him like the Rancor.  Giant underground battleground? Nope, tuff shed.  Always keep a bear trap in your car.  Just never know.

I like realistic Matchbox cars.  I wouldn’t buy my kids sweet matchbox cars like Beetles or Ford Taurus’s (dont worry I don’t have any kids of my own, I find them at bus stops and outside schools and stuff, it’s amazing how much kids love candy!) I get them cars that they are actually going to own in life.

Junky Matchbox Car

Yes kids, this what you are going to drive when you deliver my pizza, or attend your Insane Clown Posse shows.

Ted Danson is coming over for Fondu and carrots. I’ve gotta go melt some cheese.  This song rocks.

Awesome Song of the Day #155

THE KILLS!

FUTURE STARTS SLOW

early candidate for song of the year.

YEEE HAAA!