WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SWITCH BLADES!

I like knives.  They useful.  They cut my bread, they cut my steaks, they can cut through cans and they can murder people.  Whoa, whoa, whoa…. hold on there my mom says.  You can afford steaks and yet you don’t buy your momma a Christmas present?!  Yeah mom, how do you think I can afford Steaks all the time?

My favorite knife? The switch blade.  You probably thought I was going to say the knife fighting monkey, but alas…that isn’t technically a knife.  It is more of a monkey, with a knife.  Okay, you got that?… You probably also thought I was going to say the machete.  Nope.  Those are only practical for jungle warfare.  I pass through life in the suburbs.  I need discretion.  I need to be able to keep a knife in my shoe so just in case some guy steals my parking space at the 7-11 I can cut his brakes or throat.  Depends on my mood. Or his car.  I refuse to cut the brakes of the classics.  Pinto, Yugo, 1997 yellow Volkswagon Beetle.  But you already knew I wasn’t going to cut my own brakes.

Just cruise'n for babes.

People take people with switch blades seriously.  Have you ever not given a sandwich to a homeless guy with a switchblade? Trick question he killed you for that sandwich.  That is why he has a switchblade…and why you can’t remember giving him a sandwich… Weird right? You being dead and all, you thought you’d be in heaven.  This blog is kinda like the six sense….Cause your dead… Jeeez you’re slow.

I mean you press a button and a blade comes out!  What else is there to say? Grandma what is that shiny pearl thing in your hand?  “Click, Slank, Frreerttt, bleeding”.  That is the sound of you getting stabbed by your tricky grandma.

Do they come in yellow? It's gotta match my boots and my whip.

Holy fuck you say…there are a lot of people getting stabbed this edition, to that I say.  Yea.

Switchblades will do that, you get one in your hand, and you just have to stab something.  Look at this old timey actor.  He means to do some murdering.

Jack Lemmon wants your sandwich!

Is that Jack Lemmon?  Who cares…. I wish Ted Dansen was every part in every movie.  That guy is a charmer.  He probably wouldn’t stab you.

This guy would.

Timmy, never made fun of Joey's overalls ever again... because he was dead.

Okay, you’re right.  I’ve got to stop killing imaginary people in my blog.  Time to go pick up imaginary girlies in my real beetle.

Night.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE NIGHT #147

KAYNE WEST

MONSTER

“Now first things first Imma eat your brains…then I am gonna start rocking Gold Teeth and Fangs.”

Kanye’s new album is incredible.

GIANT STUFF AWESOMENESS: GIANT CHESSBOARD!

I like my stuff giant.  Monster trucks, giant desert toilets for tourism, mothra, giant checks for my golf tour winnings and finally, for my intelligence and it’s constant yearning for mind stuff, giant chess boards.  Why would I want to play around with regular chess pieces when I can pay bums to dress like knights and werewolves?  Werewolves? Yeah, I don’t like the traditional pieces.  So I substituted the “rook” (smart talk for castle piece) with werewolves.  Because history teaches that werewolves couldn’t move diagonally.  I try to keep things historically accurate.

PICTURES!

That dumb shit thinks you can move a pawn two spaces... haha, only on the first move you turd. I turn my ascot down towards you. (huge elitist insult, 2nd to the crotch grab jump kick)

Why don’t we have other giant games?  Like battleship?  Ohhh I guess we do…Naval Warfare.  Not as fun.  I’m going to go play giant hungry hungry hippos, where you ask? Africa.  Duh Silly.

Holyshit! At least he isn't hungry anymore...I think I won???

Hmmm, that was fun, although I lost my pet alligator to a dare. The dare? Hippo jumping.  Apparently Alligators can’t jump… Billy Nye where were you on that one?

I’m going to werewolf some pawns…. and yes I mean feed homeless people to a werewolf…

Okay I am going to eat them…

OUT

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #146

STARFUCKER

BURY US ALIVE

 

THINGS THAT I LOVE AWESOMENESS: STICKS OF BUTTER!

Sticks of butter.  My first friend.  Nobody liked me growing up, local kids threw rocks at me, bears attacked me, aliens exploded my house repeatedly.  It was crazy!  I mean can’t a kid get some rest without a bear trying to eat some of my toes or face.  I didn’t have imaginary friends because they didn’t like me either, something about not wanting to hang out with the smelly kid or something.  I don’t know, I don’t like ghosts anyways so I was okay with that one.  My brothers used to say that to be their friends I would first have to make friends with a bear. Which I tried to tell them wasn’t working cause they only wanted to eat me, but those brother of mine they were freaking stubborn.

A local fat man told me to check out somebody named butter, he said that butter is friends with everybody.

Steve, Jim, Jake and Dusty. My first friends. Until I ate them.

So I went to my local refrigerator, which luckily was at my neighbors house, so I didn’t have far to walk.  Saw this butter.  He was smaller than I expected.  Did we have a great time or what! I rubbed him on my arms and legs and got a great tan!  I spread him on my muffin and he was derrricious!  I found that if I pealed off their translucent and waxing clothing and spread them over my sled I would go down the sledding hill with blazing speed! I was king of the sled hill.  We had wonderful times me and butter.  I figured I had found my first and last friends.  Why would they ever abandon me.

…

Something happened.  It was a hot day.  I was playing in the sandbox with my race cars, 3 sticks of butter and a croissant.  The croissant kept losing in the grand prix to my race cars.  I was getting ready to fed it to the dog for losing so many races, that bastard lost me all my lunch money with those losses! Then I noticed that my butter had melted in the sun, a little had dripped on this worthless croissant.  The melted butter glistened from the sun and was caught by my minds eye.  It brought a tear to my eye and a rumble to my stomach.  Already mad at the croissant I decided his punishment should be me eating him.  I did.  I got my first food boner.  Then took a nap in the sun shine and had the best dreams I have ever had.  When I woke from my dream of swimming naked in a river of butter with my friends popcorn kernel and alaskan king crab, I stole all the neighbors butter.  I went home.  Locked myself in the bathroom and slowly ate the butter.  One stick at a time.  Now don’t me wrong.  I am disgustingly fat and my life expectancy is 31, but I have had a good run.  Me and butter.   We are going to go out like thelma and louise.  Expect not a car and the grand canyon.  Rather my bed, in my underwear and a box of thin mints covered in melted butter.  My heart will stop.  But my soul will live on in a buttery heaven.

You know what happens to deer when they eat sticks of butter?

Yup, eating the butter out of their dead intestines.

Gross.  I hope I don’t ever met any lions after Friday Night all you can eat Butter at the local 7-11.

It is me and 3 homeless guys who run in and steal all the butter then eat it together in the local dumpster.

You’re invited.  But get your own fucking butter!

OUT!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #145

BRITISH SEA POWER

WE ARE SOUND