I took a Karate class today.  It was me and a bunch of 14 year olds.  Which is usually how I like my afternoons! ZING!  Man that joke is only funny to like 5 people… which works because those 5 people are the only people who read this.  So back to me learning to kick and chop.  The karate master, unfortunately not Jackie Chan, asked me what I want to do… learn some kicks…. or learn some chops?  What do I look like a nerd!?

Dumb Question.

What do I look like? A guy who kicks?

Slightly less dumb question.

Answer: NO.

You know what you get on Yahoo image search when you search “karate chop cinder blocks”?

Hat

My friday night party time hat.

Weird? Yea I thought so and I usually don’t think much. Just in case you want to test my math.

So he taught me the secret of the chop.

Step 1. Breath deeply and picture a meadow.

Step 2. Exhale and imagine that meadow burning down

Step 3. Whip the tears from your eyes.

Step 4. Stop Crying

Step 5. Pull you arms up yah high.

Step 6.  Bend your elbow.

Step 7. Pet the dog that just walked by.

Step 8. No that dog just went into the burning meadow!

Step 9. Crap, stop crying again.

Step 10. Extend your arm straight.

Step 11. Point arm at something.

a. a melon

b. Kids faces

c. a car

d. car jacker

aa.  he has a gun?

aaa. You’re dead.

Step 12. Soap your hand its gonna be sore.

Step 13. Stop Crying.

That is it.  I mastered it quickly.  I went outside and chopped so many cars and bears in half.  I chopped one bear so hard that it went in half then back together again.  Magic.  Yes, still dead though.  Im not fucking David Blaine!

No seriously, we aren’t fucking.  That would be gross and I think he is dating.

Example.

Karate Chop

ill advised, unless your goal is to cut off your fingers. Hate those fingers? Chop!

So end of lesson.  Go chop some cucumbers in half with your hand it feels great! and Healthy!

Bye for now my sweet love.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY#149

IRON AND WINE & CALEXICO

16 , Maybe Less

…. pure poetry.

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2 Responses to “”

  1. Karate pork chops are pretty good.

  2. David Blaine will show up at your house and be like, “let’s just hang out here for a little bit” and the next thing you know, you wake up alone.

    I mean, that’s what I heard.

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