Sticks of butter.  My first friend.  Nobody liked me growing up, local kids threw rocks at me, bears attacked me, aliens exploded my house repeatedly.  It was crazy!  I mean can’t a kid get some rest without a bear trying to eat some of my toes or face.  I didn’t have imaginary friends because they didn’t like me either, something about not wanting to hang out with the smelly kid or something.  I don’t know, I don’t like ghosts anyways so I was okay with that one.  My brothers used to say that to be their friends I would first have to make friends with a bear. Which I tried to tell them wasn’t working cause they only wanted to eat me, but those brother of mine they were freaking stubborn.

A local fat man told me to check out somebody named butter, he said that butter is friends with everybody.

Sticks of Butter

Steve, Jim, Jake and Dusty. My first friends. Until I ate them.

So I went to my local refrigerator, which luckily was at my neighbors house, so I didn’t have far to walk.  Saw this butter.  He was smaller than I expected.  Did we have a great time or what! I rubbed him on my arms and legs and got a great tan!  I spread him on my muffin and he was derrricious!  I found that if I pealed off their translucent and waxing clothing and spread them over my sled I would go down the sledding hill with blazing speed! I was king of the sled hill.  We had wonderful times me and butter.  I figured I had found my first and last friends.  Why would they ever abandon me.

Something happened.  It was a hot day.  I was playing in the sandbox with my race cars, 3 sticks of butter and a croissant.  The croissant kept losing in the grand prix to my race cars.  I was getting ready to fed it to the dog for losing so many races, that bastard lost me all my lunch money with those losses! Then I noticed that my butter had melted in the sun, a little had dripped on this worthless croissant.  The melted butter glistened from the sun and was caught by my minds eye.  It brought a tear to my eye and a rumble to my stomach.  Already mad at the croissant I decided his punishment should be me eating him.  I did.  I got my first food boner.  Then took a nap in the sun shine and had the best dreams I have ever had.  When I woke from my dream of swimming naked in a river of butter with my friends popcorn kernel and alaskan king crab, I stole all the neighbors butter.  I went home.  Locked myself in the bathroom and slowly ate the butter.  One stick at a time.  Now don’t me wrong.  I am disgustingly fat and my life expectancy is 31, but I have had a good run.  Me and butter.   We are going to go out like thelma and louise.  Expect not a car and the grand canyon.  Rather my bed, in my underwear and a box of thin mints covered in melted butter.  My heart will stop.  But my soul will live on in a buttery heaven.

You know what happens to deer when they eat sticks of butter?

Lion eating a deer

Yup, eating the butter out of their dead intestines.

Gross.  I hope I don’t ever met any lions after Friday Night all you can eat Butter at the local 7-11.

It is me and 3 homeless guys who run in and steal all the butter then eat it together in the local dumpster.

You’re invited.  But get your own fucking butter!







  1. I’m dizzy after reading this one.

  2. You are an innovator. That is the first time anyone has ever written “eating the butter out of their dead intestines.” Congratulations!

  3. Nice… I think that is a new Guinness Book of records category!

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