Archive for January, 2011

CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: SILK!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Bugs, comedy, Humor, Stuff on January 27, 2011 by tsanda

Silk rubs your thighs like a magical cloud of sexual arousal. But unfortunately when you get sexual arousal while wearing silk pants it shows.  So I gotta tape me junk to my leg.  Yes, I do have to use lots of duck tape.  No, I never undo it… that would hurt like ripping duck tape off my dick.  So the ladies just use their imaginations.

Science facts tell us that silk comes from worms.  Silk worms. Go figure.  Worms? Worms shit out my sheets?

Silk Worms

I understand eating them, or rubbing them in my hair for vitality... but wearing them? I guess.

I like silk more when I thought it came from black holes in space.  Why would you laugh at that? something has to happen in black holes.  It can’t just be the end of everything.  See I thought matter goes in, silk comes out.  Another dream crushed.  Yes,  I dream about space silk. What do you dream about? Tea parties with dead aunts? LAME.

Why is it that the coolest stuff comes from worms? Silk… … … … You can eat them? They can get cut in half and live. They eat dirt.  I ate dirt once.

Now that I know all about silk.  I think it’s cool that worms butts make really expensive stuff.  I’ve been flushing my butt stuff for years.  Here i could have been weaving it into clothes this whole time.  I can start my own clothing line and get rid of that toilet that wastes so much water.  It will be a very green company.  I mean brown… but that doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Poop shirts

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY # 150!!!!!

That’s a big number.  Half the way to a thousand.

NEON INDIAN

MIND, DRIPS

 

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Stuff on January 25, 2011 by tsanda

I took a Karate class today.  It was me and a bunch of 14 year olds.  Which is usually how I like my afternoons! ZING!  Man that joke is only funny to like 5 people… which works because those 5 people are the only people who read this.  So back to me learning to kick and chop.  The karate master, unfortunately not Jackie Chan, asked me what I want to do… learn some kicks…. or learn some chops?  What do I look like a nerd!?

Dumb Question.

What do I look like? A guy who kicks?

Slightly less dumb question.

Answer: NO.

You know what you get on Yahoo image search when you search “karate chop cinder blocks”?

Hat

My friday night party time hat.

Weird? Yea I thought so and I usually don’t think much. Just in case you want to test my math.

So he taught me the secret of the chop.

Step 1. Breath deeply and picture a meadow.

Step 2. Exhale and imagine that meadow burning down

Step 3. Whip the tears from your eyes.

Step 4. Stop Crying

Step 5. Pull you arms up yah high.

Step 6.  Bend your elbow.

Step 7. Pet the dog that just walked by.

Step 8. No that dog just went into the burning meadow!

Step 9. Crap, stop crying again.

Step 10. Extend your arm straight.

Step 11. Point arm at something.

a. a melon

b. Kids faces

c. a car

d. car jacker

aa.  he has a gun?

aaa. You’re dead.

Step 12. Soap your hand its gonna be sore.

Step 13. Stop Crying.

That is it.  I mastered it quickly.  I went outside and chopped so many cars and bears in half.  I chopped one bear so hard that it went in half then back together again.  Magic.  Yes, still dead though.  Im not fucking David Blaine!

No seriously, we aren’t fucking.  That would be gross and I think he is dating.

Example.

Karate Chop

ill advised, unless your goal is to cut off your fingers. Hate those fingers? Chop!

So end of lesson.  Go chop some cucumbers in half with your hand it feels great! and Healthy!

Bye for now my sweet love.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY#149

IRON AND WINE & CALEXICO

16 , Maybe Less

…. pure poetry.

FURRY ALIEN AWESOMENESS: EWOKS!

Posted in Aliens, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, star wars, Uncategorized on January 18, 2011 by tsanda

EWOKS! I KNOW RIGHT!  I say that shit way to much.  Nobody sounds like a bigger idiot than when they say… “I know, Right!?”  It is the universal, “I have nothing interesting to add to the conversation, but I still want to say stuff at you”, and I say that garbage all the time.  Isn’t saying I know and Right really the same thing? They are both confirmers ( actual vocab word ((well in my mind))(((where I am a volcano surfer))))(((((I know right?))))))(((((what the fuck am I talking about))))))) Why so many ))))))), I dont know, a professor told me to do it. They are usually smart.

But ewoks, the important stuff, are cute and deadly. Most animals are 1 or the other.  Ninjas = cute, Ebola = Deadly.  My neighbor = deadly, my rosey cheeks (ass) = cute.  Ewoks blow up  AT-ST Chicken Walkers.  I may have no idea what a comma is, but I definitely know what a Chicken Walker is.  I assume it will soon be a fucking sweet rap song. Do the chicker walker… hmmm maybe not… I gotta work on my rap game.

Ewoks

They lull you in with the fur. Then stab you in the balls with pointy sticks.

Though they can’t stab a robot in the balls, because Robots don’t have balls.  So Rd2d can just talk shit all he wants.  “Beep Boop Beeep Beep Boop”…Which is R2D2 for go fuck yourself.  R2D2 is such a jerk!

A conversation between an ewok and a r2d2.

Yub Yub?

Beep Boop.

Eyyachi yub yub…

Beep Boop!

Yuuuuuubbbb?

Beep.

All I ever want to do is go to that awesome tree top party the Ewoks have every-time Return of the Jedi ends.  That party would be way lamer if they lost the battle for Endor.  A lot of storm troopers barbecuing Ewoks and Rancors running around eating their cats.

I bet some slow cooked St. Louis Ewok would be so tender and juicy.

The moral of the story.  Ewoks are my boys, but if push comes to shove, those cats gonna get eaten.

Do you know what song is playing at that party?

AWESOME SONG OF THAT DAY #148

SNAP!

POWER

Ewoks will attack and you WILL want that…because they are soooo fluffy.

 

WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SWITCH BLADES!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Weapons on January 13, 2011 by tsanda

I like knives.  They useful.  They cut my bread, they cut my steaks, they can cut through cans and they can murder people.  Whoa, whoa, whoa…. hold on there my mom says.  You can afford steaks and yet you don’t buy your momma a Christmas present?!  Yeah mom, how do you think I can afford Steaks all the time?

My favorite knife? The switch blade.  You probably thought I was going to say the knife fighting monkey, but alas…that isn’t technically a knife.  It is more of a monkey, with a knife.  Okay, you got that?… You probably also thought I was going to say the machete.  Nope.  Those are only practical for jungle warfare.  I pass through life in the suburbs.  I need discretion.  I need to be able to keep a knife in my shoe so just in case some guy steals my parking space at the 7-11 I can cut his brakes or throat.  Depends on my mood. Or his car.  I refuse to cut the brakes of the classics.  Pinto, Yugo, 1997 yellow Volkswagon Beetle.  But you already knew I wasn’t going to cut my own brakes.

Yellow Beetle

Just cruise'n for babes.

People take people with switch blades seriously.  Have you ever not given a sandwich to a homeless guy with a switchblade? Trick question he killed you for that sandwich.  That is why he has a switchblade…and why you can’t remember giving him a sandwich… Weird right? You being dead and all, you thought you’d be in heaven.  This blog is kinda like the six sense….Cause your dead… Jeeez you’re slow.

I mean you press a button and a blade comes out!  What else is there to say? Grandma what is that shiny pearl thing in your hand?  “Click, Slank, Frreerttt, bleeding”.  That is the sound of you getting stabbed by your tricky grandma.

Switch Blade

Do they come in yellow? It's gotta match my boots and my whip.

Holy fuck you say…there are a lot of people getting stabbed this edition, to that I say.  Yea.

Switchblades will do that, you get one in your hand, and you just have to stab something.  Look at this old timey actor.  He means to do some murdering.

Guy with knife

Jack Lemmon wants your sandwich!

Is that Jack Lemmon?  Who cares…. I wish Ted Dansen was every part in every movie.  That guy is a charmer.  He probably wouldn’t stab you.

This guy would.

The Warriors

Timmy, never made fun of Joey's overalls ever again... because he was dead.

Okay, you’re right.  I’ve got to stop killing imaginary people in my blog.  Time to go pick up imaginary girlies in my real beetle.

Night.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE NIGHT #147

KAYNE WEST

MONSTER

“Now first things first Imma eat your brains…then I am gonna start rocking Gold Teeth and Fangs.”

Kanye’s new album is incredible.

GIANT STUFF AWESOMENESS: GIANT CHESSBOARD!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Stuff, Stupid on January 10, 2011 by tsanda

I like my stuff giant.  Monster trucks, giant desert toilets for tourism, mothra, giant checks for my golf tour winnings and finally, for my intelligence and it’s constant yearning for mind stuff, giant chess boards.  Why would I want to play around with regular chess pieces when I can pay bums to dress like knights and werewolves?  Werewolves? Yeah, I don’t like the traditional pieces.  So I substituted the “rook” (smart talk for castle piece) with werewolves.  Because history teaches that werewolves couldn’t move diagonally.  I try to keep things historically accurate.

PICTURES!

Kid playing Giant Chess

That dumb shit thinks you can move a pawn two spaces... haha, only on the first move you turd. I turn my ascot down towards you. (huge elitist insult, 2nd to the crotch grab jump kick)

Why don’t we have other giant games?  Like battleship?  Ohhh I guess we do…Naval Warfare.  Not as fun.  I’m going to go play giant hungry hungry hippos, where you ask? Africa.  Duh Silly.

Hippo eating Alligator

Holyshit! At least he isn't hungry anymore...I think I won???

Hmmm, that was fun, although I lost my pet alligator to a dare. The dare? Hippo jumping.  Apparently Alligators can’t jump… Billy Nye where were you on that one?

I’m going to werewolf some pawns…. and yes I mean feed homeless people to a werewolf…

Okay I am going to eat them…

OUT

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #146

STARFUCKER

BURY US ALIVE

 

THINGS THAT I LOVE AWESOMENESS: STICKS OF BUTTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, clothing, Dork, Food, Humor on January 9, 2011 by tsanda

Sticks of butter.  My first friend.  Nobody liked me growing up, local kids threw rocks at me, bears attacked me, aliens exploded my house repeatedly.  It was crazy!  I mean can’t a kid get some rest without a bear trying to eat some of my toes or face.  I didn’t have imaginary friends because they didn’t like me either, something about not wanting to hang out with the smelly kid or something.  I don’t know, I don’t like ghosts anyways so I was okay with that one.  My brothers used to say that to be their friends I would first have to make friends with a bear. Which I tried to tell them wasn’t working cause they only wanted to eat me, but those brother of mine they were freaking stubborn.

A local fat man told me to check out somebody named butter, he said that butter is friends with everybody.

Sticks of Butter

Steve, Jim, Jake and Dusty. My first friends. Until I ate them.

So I went to my local refrigerator, which luckily was at my neighbors house, so I didn’t have far to walk.  Saw this butter.  He was smaller than I expected.  Did we have a great time or what! I rubbed him on my arms and legs and got a great tan!  I spread him on my muffin and he was derrricious!  I found that if I pealed off their translucent and waxing clothing and spread them over my sled I would go down the sledding hill with blazing speed! I was king of the sled hill.  We had wonderful times me and butter.  I figured I had found my first and last friends.  Why would they ever abandon me.

Something happened.  It was a hot day.  I was playing in the sandbox with my race cars, 3 sticks of butter and a croissant.  The croissant kept losing in the grand prix to my race cars.  I was getting ready to fed it to the dog for losing so many races, that bastard lost me all my lunch money with those losses! Then I noticed that my butter had melted in the sun, a little had dripped on this worthless croissant.  The melted butter glistened from the sun and was caught by my minds eye.  It brought a tear to my eye and a rumble to my stomach.  Already mad at the croissant I decided his punishment should be me eating him.  I did.  I got my first food boner.  Then took a nap in the sun shine and had the best dreams I have ever had.  When I woke from my dream of swimming naked in a river of butter with my friends popcorn kernel and alaskan king crab, I stole all the neighbors butter.  I went home.  Locked myself in the bathroom and slowly ate the butter.  One stick at a time.  Now don’t me wrong.  I am disgustingly fat and my life expectancy is 31, but I have had a good run.  Me and butter.   We are going to go out like thelma and louise.  Expect not a car and the grand canyon.  Rather my bed, in my underwear and a box of thin mints covered in melted butter.  My heart will stop.  But my soul will live on in a buttery heaven.

You know what happens to deer when they eat sticks of butter?

Lion eating a deer

Yup, eating the butter out of their dead intestines.

Gross.  I hope I don’t ever met any lions after Friday Night all you can eat Butter at the local 7-11.

It is me and 3 homeless guys who run in and steal all the butter then eat it together in the local dumpster.

You’re invited.  But get your own fucking butter!

OUT!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #145

BRITISH SEA POWER

WE ARE SOUND

DID YOU KNOW? GINGER BREAD MEN!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, comedy, Did you know?, Dork, Food on January 6, 2011 by tsanda

Did you know that Ginger Bread men are not men or in fact even made of bread?  They are in fact just cookies.  Crazy.  But they are the richest of cookies.  I don’t mean they have a lot of sugar.  Rather they have actual fucking houses.  Which is amazing.  Most cookies only have three places they stay.  My mouth, my stomach, then the toilet.  Don’t feel bad for them though.  I have a gold plated toilet!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #144

TAME IMPALA

ALTER EGO