CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: SILK!

Silk rubs your thighs like a magical cloud of sexual arousal. But unfortunately when you get sexual arousal while wearing silk pants it shows.  So I gotta tape me junk to my leg.  Yes, I do have to use lots of duck tape.  No, I never undo it… that would hurt like ripping duck tape off my dick.  So the ladies just use their imaginations.

Science facts tell us that silk comes from worms.  Silk worms. Go figure.  Worms? Worms shit out my sheets?

I understand eating them, or rubbing them in my hair for vitality... but wearing them? I guess.

I like silk more when I thought it came from black holes in space.  Why would you laugh at that? something has to happen in black holes.  It can’t just be the end of everything.  See I thought matter goes in, silk comes out.  Another dream crushed.  Yes,  I dream about space silk. What do you dream about? Tea parties with dead aunts? LAME.

Why is it that the coolest stuff comes from worms? Silk… … … … You can eat them? They can get cut in half and live. They eat dirt.  I ate dirt once.

Now that I know all about silk.  I think it’s cool that worms butts make really expensive stuff.  I’ve been flushing my butt stuff for years.  Here i could have been weaving it into clothes this whole time.  I can start my own clothing line and get rid of that toilet that wastes so much water.  It will be a very green company.  I mean brown… but that doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Poop shirts

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY # 150!!!!!

That’s a big number.  Half the way to a thousand.

NEON INDIAN

MIND, DRIPS

 

I took a Karate class today.  It was me and a bunch of 14 year olds.  Which is usually how I like my afternoons! ZING!  Man that joke is only funny to like 5 people… which works because those 5 people are the only people who read this.  So back to me learning to kick and chop.  The karate master, unfortunately not Jackie Chan, asked me what I want to do… learn some kicks…. or learn some chops?  What do I look like a nerd!?

Dumb Question.

What do I look like? A guy who kicks?

Slightly less dumb question.

Answer: NO.

You know what you get on Yahoo image search when you search “karate chop cinder blocks”?

My friday night party time hat.

Weird? Yea I thought so and I usually don’t think much. Just in case you want to test my math.

So he taught me the secret of the chop.

Step 1. Breath deeply and picture a meadow.

Step 2. Exhale and imagine that meadow burning down

Step 3. Whip the tears from your eyes.

Step 4. Stop Crying

Step 5. Pull you arms up yah high.

Step 6.  Bend your elbow.

Step 7. Pet the dog that just walked by.

Step 8. No that dog just went into the burning meadow!

Step 9. Crap, stop crying again.

Step 10. Extend your arm straight.

Step 11. Point arm at something.

a. a melon

b. Kids faces

c. a car

d. car jacker

aa.  he has a gun?

aaa. You’re dead.

Step 12. Soap your hand its gonna be sore.

Step 13. Stop Crying.

That is it.  I mastered it quickly.  I went outside and chopped so many cars and bears in half.  I chopped one bear so hard that it went in half then back together again.  Magic.  Yes, still dead though.  Im not fucking David Blaine!

No seriously, we aren’t fucking.  That would be gross and I think he is dating.

Example.

ill advised, unless your goal is to cut off your fingers. Hate those fingers? Chop!

So end of lesson.  Go chop some cucumbers in half with your hand it feels great! and Healthy!

Bye for now my sweet love.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY#149

IRON AND WINE & CALEXICO

16 , Maybe Less

…. pure poetry.

FURRY ALIEN AWESOMENESS: EWOKS!

EWOKS! I KNOW RIGHT!  I say that shit way to much.  Nobody sounds like a bigger idiot than when they say… “I know, Right!?”  It is the universal, “I have nothing interesting to add to the conversation, but I still want to say stuff at you”, and I say that garbage all the time.  Isn’t saying I know and Right really the same thing? They are both confirmers ( actual vocab word ((well in my mind))(((where I am a volcano surfer))))(((((I know right?))))))(((((what the fuck am I talking about))))))) Why so many ))))))), I dont know, a professor told me to do it. They are usually smart.

But ewoks, the important stuff, are cute and deadly. Most animals are 1 or the other.  Ninjas = cute, Ebola = Deadly.  My neighbor = deadly, my rosey cheeks (ass) = cute.  Ewoks blow up  AT-ST Chicken Walkers.  I may have no idea what a comma is, but I definitely know what a Chicken Walker is.  I assume it will soon be a fucking sweet rap song. Do the chicker walker… hmmm maybe not… I gotta work on my rap game.

They lull you in with the fur. Then stab you in the balls with pointy sticks.

Though they can’t stab a robot in the balls, because Robots don’t have balls.  So Rd2d can just talk shit all he wants.  “Beep Boop Beeep Beep Boop”…Which is R2D2 for go fuck yourself.  R2D2 is such a jerk!

A conversation between an ewok and a r2d2.

Yub Yub?

Beep Boop.

Eyyachi yub yub…

Beep Boop!

Yuuuuuubbbb?

Beep.

All I ever want to do is go to that awesome tree top party the Ewoks have every-time Return of the Jedi ends.  That party would be way lamer if they lost the battle for Endor.  A lot of storm troopers barbecuing Ewoks and Rancors running around eating their cats.

I bet some slow cooked St. Louis Ewok would be so tender and juicy.

The moral of the story.  Ewoks are my boys, but if push comes to shove, those cats gonna get eaten.

Do you know what song is playing at that party?

AWESOME SONG OF THAT DAY #148

SNAP!

POWER

Ewoks will attack and you WILL want that…because they are soooo fluffy.