Archive for November, 2010

MY NEW PROFESSION AWESOMENESS: SCATMASTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor on November 21, 2010 by tsanda

Beepa bop boop beeep beep scrat flat mat tat dibble babble bibble mcscribble sumstious ruptious dibbleflam lumptius.  Scrat scrat scart fart rip flip trip fantasia.  Sceeeble frabble fram slam dram clam.

 

LONG BREATH.  PAUSE DRINK SOME WATER

Verse 2.

Beepa bop boop beeep beep scrat flat mat tat dibble babble bibble mcscribble sumstious ruptious dibbleflam lumptius.  Scrat scrat scart fart rip flip trip fantasia.  Sceeeble frabble fram slam dram clam.

Less same as the first.  You got a problem with that?

I retired my old job as a robocop.  To become a scatman. Less giant robots to fight.  Now here if find that omni consumer products has created a giant scating robot.  BULLSHIT.  I cannot catch a break.

I am ED 209 scrabble script flap jack beep boop beep. I will scat battle you to death.

Alright time to become a kindergarten teacher.  I can do that.  There arn’t any badass kindergarten teachers…

AHHH COME ON!

Kindergarten Cop

I can't compete with that sweater!

Time to just give up.  Goodbye cruel world.

Don’t worry I am not going to kill myself.  Ghosts are scary.

Out

…..

AWESOME SONG OF THEY DAY# 140

Never gonna dance again, probably because they just made a giant dancing robot with guns.  Bullshit.

P.S. SCATMASTER ALSO MEANS I AM A SHITTING PRODIGY.  WHICH IS NICE TOO.

BUG AWESOMENESS: ANTS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Bugs, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature on November 14, 2010 by tsanda

Ants are like the me of the bug world.  They can lift 400x their body weight. I am super swole.  You ever hear about those ladies who pick up cars to save babies.  Those were actually all me.  I have this thing where I love putting babies under cars and then saving them.  I call it baby under car.  I don’t like a lot of attention so I grab the nearest lady and raise her arm and yell.  “News people, this lady did that!” She goes, as most women do, “Don’t touch me, weirdo!” Then I open a man hole (not sexually, don’t even go there! ) and drop down and run away through the sewers.

You know a good way to escape?  Sewers and man holes.  You can easily get away from anything.  You only have to watch out for C.H.U.Ds

CHUD

C.H.U.D. The scariest part of sewer escapes. Unless you have a mini. And a bazooka. The C.H.U.D is not immune to missile projectiles and cannot outrun a mini. Those things are zippy!

You should take some time out of your next day to grab a magnifying glass and an ant.  They are abundant and they are probably in your cupboards right now eating your cereal.  Thats where I get mine.  They just love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  ME TOO!

Look at them; armored plated, chainsaw faces.  They can eat wood! Leaves! spiders! I am sure there is nothing they can’t eat.  No! I take that back…Fire….They can’t eat fire.  I used my magnifying glass to feed my ants some fire and they exploded.  JOKE WARNING: PROBABLY FROM HEART BURN! ZING!

But on a serious note they died. We held a lovely ceremony in a park.  I sang Ave Maria.  The butterflies came, the caterpillar got way to drunk and the moth flew into a bug zapper.  We had to have two funerals that day.  It was rough.  Give me second.  It is still a fresh wound….

Okay, I am back how awesome are ants teeth!

I've been trying to get the plastic surgeon to do this to my face for years. Apparently this technology isn't available yet. So I got a sweet pair of huge boobs.

So if you can’t make your face ant like you might as well tattoo ants all over your face…right…I guess…

You know the ants look normal next to the push pins in my face.

I am starting to think I have more in common with ants than I do with humans.  Which would explain my obsession with the comic ant man. Cause no other humans like that.  Do ants have a comic Human Man?

ANTS LOVE CANDY! SO DO I! SHIT! AM I AN ANT?

Candy with Ants on it

Holy shit. I am going to be come an ant dentist. CHA CHING.

READY FOR MUSIC!?

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #139

MARK MALLMAN – ETERNAL MOONSHINE

saw this guy live last night for the first time. Definitely not the last.  This guy is an entertainer and his music is awesome

He literally makes musical love to the keyboard.  Words can’t explain.

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watch out for C.H.U.Ds.

 

KINDA CANDY AWESOMENESS: COTTON CANDY!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Candy, comedy, Food, happiness :), Humor on November 7, 2010 by tsanda

Lets not get ahead of ourselves here people.  I don’t like cotton candy.  It makes me teeth feel like they are burning out of my skull.  I only like that feeling from meth.  You wonder where I got my spacey / yellow teeth, yep meth, nope cotton candy.  I don’t like the taste of that shit, but I do like the idea of cotton candy.  I like the fact that somebody so wanted to eat one of their sweaters, (nope no google images of someone eating a sweater) that they decided to create a candy based on cotton.  I think denim candy didn’t fly and cashmere as we all know is already delicious.

Cashmere goat

Cashmere goats? Who would have thunked it? I sorta thought they came from the same place as my boots. Sears.

Another sweet facet of the cotton candy empire.  It reminds people of clouds.  Clouds are so fluffy and pink that people just want to put them in their mouths.  I have in fact never actually seen any clouds so this is just second hand information that a drunk Bill Nye told me.  A drunk Bill Nye has been known to tell a few white lies to make me look bad.  So I may need to investigate this whole clouds thing.

Where was I?  Ahh yea Colorado.

Cotton Candy Hands

This boy/girl so loves cotton candy he became the megaman of cotton candy.

Local News: Tonight’s top story, some ass hole and a drunk Bill Nye ate local boys cotton candy hands.  They were heard discussing the color of clouds while eating.  But they had to yell at each other to drown out the boys screaming.  Eye witnesses said the boy tasted light and airy and supposedly he gave Bill Nye a stomach ache.

I am not a monster but when people have food for hands I always accidently eat them.  It is my achilles heel or my pandoras box or my Pearl Harbor.  That last one doesn’t make sense but it sounds damn good.  Makes people think about Ben Affleck and people like that guy.  If they like that guy that means they will like this guy (ME!)

My new blog.  Ben Affleck all day everyday.

Blog Post number 1.

BEN AFFLECK, BEN AFFLECK, BEN AFFLECK.

Now I just sit back and watch the hits come in.

I’ve been watching my hits and right now it is at 32, which is aight.  They are all from Ben Affleck though.  Which is fine. Small victories I say.

Bye

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #138

ADAM KESHER

GRAVY TRAIN

french pop dance time.

HOLIDAY AWESOMENESS PART II: HALLOWEEN PART II

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Candy, Children, comedy, Dork, Holidays, Humor, Stupid on November 1, 2010 by tsanda

The II means too you stupid asshole.

I am really sorry, wow that was so unprofessional.  If you want your money back.  Send me a $5 dollar bill.  I’ll think about it.

It doesn’t mean too? Shit it means two? What the fuck is that? Too? It is to right? Bill Nye I need you!

He didn’t come, I have no idea.  Ill just go with 2twoooto.

So last halloween I wrote about vegetable carving.  Which is still awesome.  Want to see what I did this year?

Pickles

Cutting Pickles. Forget pumpkins! This is some next level shit. I do stuff so next level you probably think it's dumb as shit. Come find me in 50 years when everybuddy is cutting pickles in half for halloween. I'll be dead but my tombstone will just say "PICKLES!"

Actually, my tombstone will be a tombstone pizza box with an LCD (cause those will still be around in 50 years) TV playing Tombstone.   NEXT LEVEL SHIT!

I went over most of my favorite things last year but there are some other awesome shits about halloween.  How about this?  You go to a strangers house, ring the door bell, and say this lovely little rhyme.

“Trick of Treat, Smell My Feet, Give Me Something Good Two (? shit not again!) Eat”

When else can you come up with that for a holiday?  Imma say this to my moms this christmas.

“Merry Christmas Honcho, Smell My Nacho, Give Me Some Chicken Tacos”

Thats it. No presents just a lot of nacho smelling and chicken tacos.  It will be magical.  Santa comin down the Chimney and fillin a picnic basket full of chicken and smellin my nacho while I sleep.  He does know when you are sleeping! He stands in the corner and watches me until I sleep.  It would be creepy but I was really good this year and I want some fucking chicken tacos.

My next favorite thing about Halloween?  It is the only time that I can give this.

CANDY

HEY KIDS! Guess what I have! No my costume is the trench coat...

To these.

Trick or Treaters

HAHA. I am going to jail.

Ahh pedder jokes.  So classy.

Im Gonna get ready for Thanksgiving.  Nothing special for thanksgiving.  Thats when Jesus gave turkey to a rabbit because it showed them how to grow crops.  Or it is about trees or something.

SEE YA.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

LIL WAYNE FT. GUCCI MANE

I do like ridiculous rap.  How redic?

“Big House Long Hallways, I’ve got 10 Bathrooms I Could Shit ALL DAY!”

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