Archive for September, 2010

BURNING YOUR INITIALS INTO SOMETHING AWESOMENESS: BRANDING!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2010 by tsanda

I gotta say I am pretty big fan of branding.  Taking something and instead of just putting it in your garage for safe keeping, burning a symbol in it’s ass to show other people that it is yours.  We do this with cows a lot.  And by we I mean me. I have 37 cows in my backyard with NBDS branded on the side of their ass.  NBDS did I give away my initials? Nope. Don’t want you crazies stalking me, unless you own operation.  Cause I have honestly never played operation and I wouldn’t be mad if you broke into my house and were waiting for me naked in my bed room with operation and 50 candles.

NBDS is my brand. I put it on everything that is mine.  Like this banana.

Banana Brand

NBDS, Copywrite...the future? You bet your ass. 1.21 jiggawatts!

That is an awesomeness original.  You don’t believe me? Look it has my brand.  I like to brand bananas.  I have a lot of monkeys that live in the trees by my house.  Denver is a huge primate city, fyi.  You didn’t know that? Watch some discovery channel why don’t ya. I don’t want these monkeys stealing my bananas.  I also branded my dog Smmmeeeelllliiighhhh Samsanov, the monkeys would also try to eat him.  Or ride him which I am 100% okay with.

I didn’t use my initials. DAJ. cause thats just boring.  Dagwood Alberto Jasper. I mean who am I? A comic book character? Hispanic? A hick? All.

So to lower confusion and put my life values out there.  NBDS.  No Big Deal Son. Anytime anything happens, NBDS.  Cause it really is no big deal, (unless it’s this blog than of course it’s a huge deal) and Son. Cause calling people son it just the polite thing to do.  Wu Tang taught me that.

WHAT THE FUCK! I TAKE A FEW MINUTS TO ENTERTAIN AND THOSE GOD DAMN MONKEYS!

Monkey with banana

What the hell! That was my favorite nana!

Monkey eating banana

FRANKIE NOT YOU TOO!

Baby monkey with banana

Ahhh! I can't be mad at you tiny adorable monkey. You can have Jake. (that's the name of that banana)

I am out of bananas.  But have some full and fat monkeys.  Looks like I will be eating monkey tonight!

DONE SON

Awesome Song of the Day #134

Big Boi

Hustle Blood

(not the best quality but song is just sooooo smooth)

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AWESOME MOVIE SCENE AWESOMENESS: STILLS THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO SEE A MOVIE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2010 by tsanda

There are a lot of movies that have been released.  I only have one of these lives to live and I want to do as little reading as possible and as much movie watching as possible.  You can’t eat popcorn and wear 3d glasses while reading a book.  I tried and ruined my copy of yertle the turtle with popcorn butter and vomit from my 3d goggle nausea. Not to mention none of the words looked like they were coming at me.  Bullshit… until a 3d pop up book version of the bible comes out I guess I am going to hell.

Now back to what is really important, poverty.  Ha! I am kidding, I really mean movies. I only have so much time in each day. I have to eat food, so this work shit isn’t going anywhere.  Unless somebody wants to pay me 100,000 a month to personally narrate their life in blog form.  I mean it would be expensive; I eat a lot, and I mean A LOT of caviar.  Caviar wrapped in truffles dipped in gold dust and baked on the moon.  Can’t judge me for my good tastes.  But your life would sound so much cooler to your “friends”.

Here is an example, consider it my application and resume.

Tom wakes up and washes his feet in a volcano.  He then rides his unicorn to montana for eggs and bacon.  After killing a grizzly bear with his knuckles (fist punching a bear to death) he decides to rewrite the declaration of independence using only a spirograph.

huh? Pretty freaking fucking good. My secretary will be waiting by the phone.

For a post about movies this blog certainly is about a lot of other bullshit.  I agree, I would want my money back too.  But I get this shit for free.  Stolen internet, what do you know about that son?

So my life is crazy busy and the point of all this is, you can’t maintain these killer good looks and razor sharp wit with just a few minutes a day.  I mean I stare in the mirror for about 12 hours a day perfecting my style.  The rest of the time is spent nursing koala bears back to shape for more back yard koala fights.  You think that is mean? Inhumane? I disagree! Have you ever seen a koala fight???? It is adorable!

After that I have about 2 hours left to watch some cinema. I don’t have enough time to read reviews, cause honestly the last thing I want to do is read about a movie.  That clearly makes my head want to explode. (perfect segway!)

Scanner

I can read your mind. You have seen one clip from this movie and you clearly want to see it.

This movie is called scanners and it is not supposed to be any good. But I can clearly disagree with just one still from that movie.  I am sold.  If I can’t tell from one picture if a movie is gonna be good then I don’t want to see it.

Do you want to see this movie?

Harry Potter

Fuck Me, this picture makes me want that last picture to happen to me.

This movie fails on all levels, some nerd pointing a stick at me.  Why the fuck is he wearing glasses? If he is a wizard why doesn’t he just wizard up some good eyesight?  He is casual enough for the ole unbuttoned dress shirt and loose tie look but he still wears round glasses? I mean jeeezuz, there couldn’t be more lame about this movie from this picture. I won’t watch it. Ever.  Unless terrorist try to get the secrets of my life and torture me.  I would tell them in 5 seconds if they put this movie on.

Now how about for the ladies?

Costner

The Cos? A mullet? Some sort of white animal, at least 5 scarfs and arrows!

Again, sold. You have the prince of thieves. All sorts of style and a soft and gentle disposition. If I were a lady, or just myself.  I would watch this.  All night while eating toblerones.

More examples! How about for the kids?

Free Willy

I don't think this is what Willy had in mind when he was free'd.

Free Willy 3.  Or so Yahoo images tells me. If I were a kid I’d be screaming at the top of my lungs until my exhausted parents gave up and rented this movie or bought me a killer whale.

And for the dudes.

Road Warrior

A guy in a mask, in his underwear, shooting at a guy flying a tricycle. Why would you watch another movie, unless of course it was the prince of thieves.

If you had 1 movie left to watch before you died, and then you saw this picture you would have no choice your brain would force you to watch it.  And if you brain didn’t cooperate I would force you to watch it, with me, right before I killed you.  You were wondering why you going to die weren’t you?

Time to watch a movie. Which you ask?  I won’t tell you… I will show you the picture that changed my day. Working out? No. Feeding myself? Nope. Voluntering? hahaha don’t be silly.

Con Air

Put the Bunny back in the Box.

That was a gosh darn long post.  This blog would be way better as a movie.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #133

THE PASS (3rd time feature!)

GO THE PASS! LP COMES OUT IN A FEW DAY! BONERS!

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