TOILET AWESOMENESS: MY DIAMOND TOILET!


My lover decided it was time to take our relationship to the next level.  This individual knows about my love for eating and any love for eating results in a inevitable flushing of the system.  So this human bought me a new toilet. My old toilet… porcelain.  Boring but effective.  The detlef schrempf of crappers.  We had a lot of memories.  A lot of scares, laughs and cries.  We go way back.  Used to get my portable DVD player and watch Predator on it, it needed me there to help it through the scary parts!

Me – Hey toilet! Remember that time I had a footlong subway sandwich, 12 PBR’s and some CRD’s?.

Toilet – Ha hell yea, I was clogged for weeks!

Me – Yup, I am awesome.

Ohh we had some good times.  My first memory was that toilet.

Toilet baby party

I was born, my parents forgot to buy me clothes, but I sure had one bad ass room. No bed... just a shitter.

But alas, I wore that poor guy out.  Flush after flush. Day after day.  That sweet princes last flush has flushed.  The problem? I just ate so much Taco Bell! I need relief and stat. (stat is a doctor term you dummy)  So my boo bought me the new turd pool.  I think it is a proposal also.  I mean it is made of diamonds! Diamonds mean love!

toilet, diamonds, shit, shitter, awesomeness

Every time I'm in the town shittin, bling bling. Weezy wishes he could say that.

So I tried to pawn my new toilet.  Needed CRD money.  CUBIC FUCKING ZERCONIAS!  My life is over, my dreams dashed. My crap, so so boring. Another lame day with a lame toilet.  I miss old flushy, you cheeky bastard. I flush a toilet in his memory whenever I can.

—-

Awesome Song of the Day #131

BILL WITHERS

USE ME

——

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