Archive for August, 2010

SEE THROUGH SEA MONSTER AWESOMENESS: JELLYFISH!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2010 by tsanda

Hey Jellyfish, I like your style.  That is what I would say if I ever met a jellyfish in any other venue than a library.  You need to be quiet in libraries, so yelling, HEY JELLYFISH! I LIKE YOUR STYLE! is gonna get me a quick and swift, kick in the nads, by a jelly fish tentacle.  Which is poisonous so my nads melted.  Little known fact, jellys are avid readers.  Lots of Kurt Vonnegut and Dan Brown.  I am kidding, nobody reads Kurt Vonnegut.  Jellyfish are cool cause they are see through. I like things I can see through and that are poisonous.  They are like, hey swimmer… don’t worry about me… You can’t see me, so it’s okay.  Only sharks suck cause you can see them and their teeth… they have scary teeth.  Since you can’t see me it’s okay… I am harmless.  ZAP! your dead.  Just like that.

Jellyfish, Rave

I am pretty sure that this Jellyfish is tripping so much E. How do I know??? He is clearly at a rave...duh.

I have to stop this post! I have to warn that turtle, that is dumb, to stop what it is doing!  Nobody told that turtle that Jellyfish cannot actually be rubbed on bread and eaten with peanut butter!  They so sour!  Nature is full of shit.  Turtles are too cute to die horrible, acidy tentacle in the face deaths.

Turtle eats jellyfish

Holy crap, Yertle is dumb as shit.

Wait, Bill Nye just called me.

Play Voicemail

“Hey Dude, some turtles can eat some Jellyfish you stupid jackass… are we still on for canasta later, love bill”

Me (jump fist pump) —-why? Turtle is okay, canasta with the masta of science.  My night is set.

dead turtle

I guess Bill Nye was full of shit. He never showed up for Canasta.

Ahhh thanks for reading. I hope yall come back soon now!

Your back? Get a hobby. I don’t know what, dancing?

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Awesome Song of The Day #132

NEON INDIAN / REMIX BY BRAHMS

if you don’t know either of those groups.  Go learn stuff.

TOILET AWESOMENESS: MY DIAMOND TOILET!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Toilets with tags , , , , , , , on August 21, 2010 by tsanda

My lover decided it was time to take our relationship to the next level.  This individual knows about my love for eating and any love for eating results in a inevitable flushing of the system.  So this human bought me a new toilet. My old toilet… porcelain.  Boring but effective.  The detlef schrempf of crappers.  We had a lot of memories.  A lot of scares, laughs and cries.  We go way back.  Used to get my portable DVD player and watch Predator on it, it needed me there to help it through the scary parts!

Me – Hey toilet! Remember that time I had a footlong subway sandwich, 12 PBR’s and some CRD’s?.

Toilet – Ha hell yea, I was clogged for weeks!

Me – Yup, I am awesome.

Ohh we had some good times.  My first memory was that toilet.

Toilet baby party

I was born, my parents forgot to buy me clothes, but I sure had one bad ass room. No bed... just a shitter.

But alas, I wore that poor guy out.  Flush after flush. Day after day.  That sweet princes last flush has flushed.  The problem? I just ate so much Taco Bell! I need relief and stat. (stat is a doctor term you dummy)  So my boo bought me the new turd pool.  I think it is a proposal also.  I mean it is made of diamonds! Diamonds mean love!

toilet, diamonds, shit, shitter, awesomeness

Every time I'm in the town shittin, bling bling. Weezy wishes he could say that.

So I tried to pawn my new toilet.  Needed CRD money.  CUBIC FUCKING ZERCONIAS!  My life is over, my dreams dashed. My crap, so so boring. Another lame day with a lame toilet.  I miss old flushy, you cheeky bastard. I flush a toilet in his memory whenever I can.

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Awesome Song of the Day #131

BILL WITHERS

USE ME

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ATTENTION!

Posted in Uncategorized on August 14, 2010 by tsanda

3-4 Loyal readers.  Thanks for coming.  I am going to do some rebranding.  No, that sounds way to technical and smart, and I honestly kinda know what that means but couldn’t intelligently explain it to a blind guy.  He would think I was talking about Nacho’s, yea they are plural got a problem?.  I am going to be changing my profile and format.  Just a tweak, calm down baby girl it is okay. Pretty much same material but I will be adding some things I hate to the awesome/rad things and some home drawn cartoons, cause, well, damn their fun! Me, paint and 20 minutes… well its just wonderful.  Here is what I did this morning..untill I realized that some asshole already took Mental Diarrhea!!! Fuck head hasn’t used it in a year either! BOOO!

It represented my home. My moat. My Shark. And my draw bridge. RIP Castle w/ fireworks in the background.

It was going to be my logo, maybe.  Just a little thing I whipped together.  NBD.

Stop clapping already!

Serious Business on hand.

Do I go with Mental Diarrhea anyway? I say no.  The reason I am leaving the AWESOMENESS game is its saturated already! I am feeling Radical… did some quick google searches virgin territory for the most part, so it is ripe for me to ruin.

possible names or call signs if I were in top gun.

RAD ISN’T JUST A WORD

WHERE CAN I GET SOME HOTDOGS?

YOU SAY TOMATO, I SAY RADICAL.

RAD BY DAY, RAD BY NIGHT.

RAD BACKWARDS IS DAR.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY PANTS?

MAMA SAID KNOCK ME OUT?

I NEED SOME VOTES OR HELP OR SOMETHING! OR I WILL JUST DO IT ON MY OWN AND IT WILL KICK ASS SO WHATEV.

PEACE SON.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GENIES?

Posted in Uncategorized on August 13, 2010 by tsanda

Why would a genie live in a magic lamp?

What a fucking lame ass house. No room for curtains or Wu Tang Posters anywhere in that.

If I were a genie I’d live in a Helicopter.  You don’t know why? Isn’t it self explanatory?

Rub the side of this and you will get 3 magic rockets into your stupid lamp.

Rockets 1 – Genies 0

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #130

SNOWDEN – ANTI ANTI

MY CONVERSATION WITH MICHAEL ROOKER!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , on August 11, 2010 by tsanda

If you haven’t seen the best movie about Alpine Survivalist vs. Airplane full of money bandits … … … … wait for it… … … keep waiting…. …. … right before the end … Cliffhanger.  Get it? I left you hanging? Like a sentence cliffhanger.  I am a master of the english language writing.  Well frankly if you haven’t seen cliffhanger then you will never survive a cave fight with Leon, you won’t know his weakness of giant stalactites through the chest.

Rook is not in this picture but he would appreciate me posting it.

Sly Stallone

The best thing about this picture is the whole thing and Sly aint half bad on the eyes either.

So the rook (my pet name for my boy) and I are sitting in a bubble bath, scene by scene talking about Cliffhanger, getting ready to start in on Slither when Rooks asked me a question.

He says, “Jazzy (that is Rooks nickname for me) have you ever dreamed a big dream?’

Jazzy: “Will you stop talking and wash my back”

Rooks: “I will get to that just, listen for a second”

Jazzy: Long Sigh…..”fine, I can’t say no to you… you were so amazing in the 6th day”

Rooks: “You were always such a flatterer” “But seriously, I have plans big plans”

Jazzy: “Like opening a White Castle?”

Rooks: Look of disgust, “no jazzy”.

Rooks: “Like eating 12 donuts in one sitting.”

It was that minute I knew I was in love.

Rooker is known for his sucker punches. I am known for my black eyes.

Did you know if the Rooks were to have sex with sound waves this song would be his bastard child of noise.

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Awesome Song of the Day #129

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Home

(aka ear boners)

(sorry to make you sit through some David Letterman)

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HYDRATION AWESOMENESS: THE WRIST WATER BOTTLE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Stuff with tags , , , , , , on August 9, 2010 by tsanda

Boring ass non hydrated wrist.  So non hydrated in fact that they just randomly break.

He refused to wear a wrist water bottle so I broke his wrist. Luckily however he did wear a camel back. His back is safe...for now. Assholes just don't get hydration.

You know who isn’t thirsty… me.  I don’t really have patience for all that water bottle holding up to my mouth and squeezing.  You risk missing your mouth, then it hits your eyes and now you are blind.  Or your hair gets wet and now it’s frizzy and I just can’t go to my black tie dinners with frizzy hair.  What if the water hits my shirt and now it looks like I am lactating … my bid for President of the Rotary is officially over!  But wait… I am saved! I can do my jazzercise at a fast passed tempo, work up a mighty sweat while I sit and be fit – and quench my thirst is style and efficiently.

The magic of the swiggies is that they only work in this exact pose. It is the physics of fluid arm dynamics that create the centrifugal force which vortexes the water into your pie hole.

Canteens are for loser.  Camel-baks are for camels.  Bottle Helmets are for beer. Wrist Swiggies are for fucking bad asses.  When I hang with Mr. Cooper we only drink our crystal pepsi from our wrists.  They tried to make anklies but they were to damn hard to drink out of…. but lord knows I will keep trying.

Have I thanked you for reading recently? No. Good.

I am just joshing ya! THANKS BABE!

Out!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #128

PRIMITIVE RADIO GODS

STANDING OUTSIDE A BROKEN PHONE BOOTH WITH MONEY IN MY HAND

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MENTAL ILLNESS AWESOMENESS: SPACE DEMENTIA!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor with tags , , , , , on August 8, 2010 by tsanda

Going crazy sounds pretty tough.  Nobody believes anything you are saying.  You can get put in a big padded room and you have to wear your own poo on your face because you just rubbed it all over your face because the chewbacca in the corner won’t stop making fun of you and you thought that would show him.  Well it did, it showed him you were fucking crazy.

That being said.  If I were/are/thinking about going crazy I would totally choose space dementia.  I learned about it from a documentary I was watching today about a bunch of actors who with the help of Michael Bay saved us from an asteroid that was actually really close to destroying earth.  They said it was a global killer and they got it right before it was to late.  RIP Harry Stamper.  But apparently one of the crew members couldn’t handle the pressure of blowing up the astroid and the openness of space and lack of gravity made him loose his mind!  He started shooting a gatling gun that NASA just had sitting around, yea I would have thought they used bazookas but I guess not.  Thats why I am not in NASA.  That and my Space Dementia.

The wide eyes, the open mouth, raised eyebrows. Classic Space Dementia

I just feel bad for the guy who had to sit next to “rockhound” on the trip back home.  People with space dementia talk about the weirdest shit.  All Butter tacos and banana hats from that crazy jabber box.  Rockhound… even his nick name has space dementia!

I highly recommend that documentary I think it was called Deep Impact.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY # 127

MILES BENJAMIN ANTHONY ROBINSON

THE SOUND

His second song of the day!!!

SEE YA SOON FOR MORE GROUND BRAKING CRAP!