VERB AWESOMENESS: JUMPING!

Life can be boring. Cubicles, bologna, paint, astroids that aren’t exploded by Bruce Willis.  Those things all suck. Most things in life just need a little piz followed by some azz.  Speak them together it will blow your mind.

Take basketball.  Not jumping. Just 1 point – and boring as turds drying in the sun.

This guy is white and shooting a free throw. Dear lord blow my brains out.

Im not sure that prayer will be answered.  Not sure the lord is into blowing brains out.  I bet he has a wicked badass gold plated gun in a case with chicklets. Ahhh Castor Troy stole gods gun…and his gum.  I bet gods breath stinks.

Now add some jumping to this orange ball sport.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! DUNK SUNSET!!!!! I LOVE SPACE JAM (just thought you'd want to know)

Now that last picture really gets the juices flowing.  Like a juice river or gentle backyard waterfall or v8.

More examples? Are you sure you can handle it?

Ok. Mom take your heart pills before these next ones.

High five?

Good form but no airtime. No Spark! No passion!

Add a dash of pizzazzz? Sure. But Just a pinch.

Yep, jumped out of the atmosphere. And into our hearts.

I am sooo excited that the mom from Home Improvement is getting a new show on NBC. I will be watching it naked with the sound off.  Which is how I watch CSPAN and the nieghbor get ready in the morning….

Animals? Can they get any cooler? YES SILLY! JUMP!

Very Skinny Racoons doing some sort of Jump murder technique.

So I just decided to jump blog.  Didn’t really work out. Fell over and rolled my ankle.  It is all back and blue now.  I will leave the jumping to the animals.

—

Awesome Song of the Day #123

The Antlers – Two

MONSTER AWESOMENESS: BIGFOOT (aka Sasquatch!) DISCOVERED….AGAIN!

I have always wondered what I am going to do when I encounter Bigfoot in the hallways of my office or just outside of my cubicle.  It will be scary. I will be scared, my pants will be full and smell bad.  That is as far as I have figured out. Past the point of shitting myself I am pretty much at a loss of what I would do.

Luckily a South Carolina man has taught me exactly what to say.  Luckily it is short and has a lot of southern accent in it.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/06/21/bigfoot.psychology.monsters

You only need the second paragraph.

“GIT!”

Ohhh man, it would be so priceless to have seen bigfoot’s reaction to that.

Dude – probably in coveralls with a piece of straw in is mouth.  I am thinking no shoes? Or shoes that are missing the toes? No, not sandals for everybody not from the south, something like this.

Next hipster trend... guaranteed.

This guy sees a bigfoot or maybe bigfeets, harassing his dogs.  I assume they were pulling their tales and petting them against the direction of their fur. Ohhh boy do dogs hate that shit!  You know what dogs hate more than that shit! BIGFOOT! If dogs could yell holy crap its bigfoot I am outta here… they would.  But they can’t so stop fucking day dreaming

He grabs his shotgun? Nope.  Big rock? Nope, Bazooka? Nah.  He classically yells “GIT!”

That’s what I yell at racoons who eat my garbage.  Or those pesky teenagers who are up to no good down the street.  Druggy mother fuckers.

You don’t yell Git at a classic mythical (or is it?) creature who is fucking with your dogs.  You record that shit and send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos! 10 G’s Son!

Bigfoot totally just flipped that guy off and ate his dogs. Then sat and chilled with Ronald McDonald.  Had a McRib, cause the dogs didn’t fill him up.

Hey, BIGFOOT! Leave Ronald Alone..... GIT!

So much happiness this southern belle has brought me today

Im out.

……

Awesome Song of The Day #122

OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW

WAGON WHEEL

….

MY OPEN LETTER TO THE TWO FACED KITTEN!

I know there is a formula for this blog and it certainly isn’t broken.  But something has happened, that is so amazing, space explosions worthy, that I felt I would do my civic duty and write the two faced kitten a letter.  A love letter of sorts?  I don’t know do you think I have a chance with mutant kitty?

And… I want to be featured on Oprah! What does a fucking dude need to do to get featured on Oprah or in O! (that’s the Oprah magazine for you heathens that don’t know) Put down Bird Monthly and pick up some O! So many good interviews with Paula Abdul and features on Losing 5 lbs before swimsuit season!

I can haz two faces...sorry couldn't resist.

Dear Kitty With Two Faces,

You are a marvel of the wonders of mother earth and step father space.  You were born out of magic and wonder.  Two faces? How does that happen? Science says it was a two headed sperm.  I say it was Jesus.  You are a creation of the lord himself.  Why? Why would god take time out of his busy day of canasta and PBR to make a two headed kitten? Easy, humans were bored with 1 faced kittens.  Ohh your orange tabby has 1 grill? Boring, might as well go kill itself.

Kitty, you are a monster, a disgustingly cute monster.  You just peed in my loafers and scratched my shins.  I was going to drop kick you, but look at that face it’s adorable. I mean faces, nice catch, congrats to me for proof reading just a little bit.  Your like frankenstein a misunderstood monster.  No, not like the Hunchback of Notre Dame he is just a freak.

The bad news kitty, we can’t keep both faces.  Science hasn’t figured out that technology yet.  So we need to figure out which face has got to go!

Face #1, So cute and innocent the first time I saw you it was like the sunrise after a light rain storm.  My breath was taken away.

Face #2, Your ugly as shit.

Face #1, So good at math and comedy.  Made me laugh for hours with your pi and square root jokes.  3.14 ha! that was a good one…  We will always have cosign

Face #2, You ate my sandwich.

Face #1, When you puurrrrr it is like the heavens are playing a harp for me.

Face #2, Your breath smells like cat food and turds

Face #1, When you play with string, I just giggle for hours.

Face #2, You just fell over trying to stand up.

Face #1. Say good bye to your brother

Face#2 – “fuck that”

Well face #2 just killed face 1. Damnit. Stuck with this 1 faced shit head

Ohh well. You still can kill that mouse over there right?

Face #2 “For 100 dollars”.

Hmmmm. I miss face #1

….

Okay two faced kitten this is the end of my letter.

I still love you.

Almost as much as I love the villain you were created after.

He too loves to play with string and meow for kibble.

———

Awesome Song of The Day #121

The Golden Dogs

1985 (Cover of a Paul McCartney Song) after you hear this version Paul Mc Should probably stop playing music they murder his song.

The Golden Dogs are fucking awesome by the way.

……