Archive for June, 2010

VERB AWESOMENESS: JUMPING!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, Humor, Stupid, Verbs with tags , , , , , , on June 30, 2010 by tsanda

Life can be boring. Cubicles, bologna, paint, astroids that aren’t exploded by Bruce Willis.  Those things all suck. Most things in life just need a little piz followed by some azz.  Speak them together it will blow your mind.

Take basketball.  Not jumping. Just 1 point – and boring as turds drying in the sun.

This guy is white and shooting a free throw. Dear lord blow my brains out.

Im not sure that prayer will be answered.  Not sure the lord is into blowing brains out.  I bet he has a wicked badass gold plated gun in a case with chicklets. Ahhh Castor Troy stole gods gun…and his gum.  I bet gods breath stinks.

Now add some jumping to this orange ball sport.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! DUNK SUNSET!!!!! I LOVE SPACE JAM (just thought you'd want to know)

Now that last picture really gets the juices flowing.  Like a juice river or gentle backyard waterfall or v8.

More examples? Are you sure you can handle it?

Ok. Mom take your heart pills before these next ones.

High five?

Good form but no airtime. No Spark! No passion!

Add a dash of pizzazzz? Sure. But Just a pinch.

Yep, jumped out of the atmosphere. And into our hearts.

I am sooo excited that the mom from Home Improvement is getting a new show on NBC. I will be watching it naked with the sound off.  Which is how I watch CSPAN and the nieghbor get ready in the morning….

Animals? Can they get any cooler? YES SILLY! JUMP!

Very Skinny Racoons doing some sort of Jump murder technique.

So I just decided to jump blog.  Didn’t really work out. Fell over and rolled my ankle.  It is all back and blue now.  I will leave the jumping to the animals.

Awesome Song of the Day #123

The Antlers – Two

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MONSTER AWESOMENESS: BIGFOOT (aka Sasquatch!) DISCOVERED….AGAIN!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Monsters, News with tags , , , , , on June 21, 2010 by tsanda

I have always wondered what I am going to do when I encounter Bigfoot in the hallways of my office or just outside of my cubicle.  It will be scary. I will be scared, my pants will be full and smell bad.  That is as far as I have figured out. Past the point of shitting myself I am pretty much at a loss of what I would do.

Luckily a South Carolina man has taught me exactly what to say.  Luckily it is short and has a lot of southern accent in it.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/06/21/bigfoot.psychology.monsters

You only need the second paragraph.

“GIT!”

Ohhh man, it would be so priceless to have seen bigfoot’s reaction to that.

Dude – probably in coveralls with a piece of straw in is mouth.  I am thinking no shoes? Or shoes that are missing the toes? No, not sandals for everybody not from the south, something like this.

Worn out shoes

Next hipster trend... guaranteed.

This guy sees a bigfoot or maybe bigfeets, harassing his dogs.  I assume they were pulling their tales and petting them against the direction of their fur. Ohhh boy do dogs hate that shit!  You know what dogs hate more than that shit! BIGFOOT! If dogs could yell holy crap its bigfoot I am outta here… they would.  But they can’t so stop fucking day dreaming

He grabs his shotgun? Nope.  Big rock? Nope, Bazooka? Nah.  He classically yells “GIT!”

That’s what I yell at racoons who eat my garbage.  Or those pesky teenagers who are up to no good down the street.  Druggy mother fuckers.

You don’t yell Git at a classic mythical (or is it?) creature who is fucking with your dogs.  You record that shit and send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos! 10 G’s Son!

Bigfoot totally just flipped that guy off and ate his dogs. Then sat and chilled with Ronald McDonald.  Had a McRib, cause the dogs didn’t fill him up.

Hey, BIGFOOT! Leave Ronald Alone..... GIT!

So much happiness this southern belle has brought me today

Im out.

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Awesome Song of The Day #122

OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW

WAGON WHEEL

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MY OPEN LETTER TO THE TWO FACED KITTEN!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Monsters, Nature, News, Science with tags , , , , , , , on June 19, 2010 by tsanda

I know there is a formula for this blog and it certainly isn’t broken.  But something has happened, that is so amazing, space explosions worthy, that I felt I would do my civic duty and write the two faced kitten a letter.  A love letter of sorts?  I don’t know do you think I have a chance with mutant kitty?

And… I want to be featured on Oprah! What does a fucking dude need to do to get featured on Oprah or in O! (that’s the Oprah magazine for you heathens that don’t know) Put down Bird Monthly and pick up some O! So many good interviews with Paula Abdul and features on Losing 5 lbs before swimsuit season!

Two Faced Kitten

I can haz two faces...sorry couldn't resist.

Dear Kitty With Two Faces,

You are a marvel of the wonders of mother earth and step father space.  You were born out of magic and wonder.  Two faces? How does that happen? Science says it was a two headed sperm.  I say it was Jesus.  You are a creation of the lord himself.  Why? Why would god take time out of his busy day of canasta and PBR to make a two headed kitten? Easy, humans were bored with 1 faced kittens.  Ohh your orange tabby has 1 grill? Boring, might as well go kill itself.

Kitty, you are a monster, a disgustingly cute monster.  You just peed in my loafers and scratched my shins.  I was going to drop kick you, but look at that face it’s adorable. I mean faces, nice catch, congrats to me for proof reading just a little bit.  Your like frankenstein a misunderstood monster.  No, not like the Hunchback of Notre Dame he is just a freak.

The bad news kitty, we can’t keep both faces.  Science hasn’t figured out that technology yet.  So we need to figure out which face has got to go!

Face #1, So cute and innocent the first time I saw you it was like the sunrise after a light rain storm.  My breath was taken away.

Face #2, Your ugly as shit.

Face #1, So good at math and comedy.  Made me laugh for hours with your pi and square root jokes.  3.14 ha! that was a good one…  We will always have cosign

Face #2, You ate my sandwich.

Face #1, When you puurrrrr it is like the heavens are playing a harp for me.

Face #2, Your breath smells like cat food and turds

Face #1, When you play with string, I just giggle for hours.

Face #2, You just fell over trying to stand up.

Face #1. Say good bye to your brother

Face#2 – “fuck that”

Well face #2 just killed face 1. Damnit. Stuck with this 1 faced shit head

Ohh well. You still can kill that mouse over there right?

Face #2 “For 100 dollars”.

Hmmmm. I miss face #1

….

Okay two faced kitten this is the end of my letter.

I still love you.

Almost as much as I love the villain you were created after.

Two Face

He too loves to play with string and meow for kibble.

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Awesome Song of The Day #121

The Golden Dogs

1985 (Cover of a Paul McCartney Song) after you hear this version Paul Mc Should probably stop playing music they murder his song.

The Golden Dogs are fucking awesome by the way.

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WORLD WAR III AWESOMENESS: THE WORLD CUP!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Basketball, Humor, Sports with tags , , , , , on June 12, 2010 by tsanda

Ewww the World Cup, 2 girls 1 cup was bad enough I can’t imagine a World Cup.  Kinda makes me wanna throw up on somebody…

But in all seriousness the entire world just exploded with excitement. THE ENTIRE WORLD.  Ohh a Billion people watch the Super Bowl? Yeah I guess that’s neat and there are some really neat commercials for 3 hours, plus I get an excuse to eat a lot of chips, corn chips if you must know. Yes i start my diet again the day after! But the world cup = 6 -7 billion people all yelling GOOAAAALLLLL!!!! to be fair a few brits are yelling “oye!” and there are a couple Americans asking where their pads and helmets are.

The World Cup is a month of all out hatred for other nations! I literally hope England gets in a real bad car accident today.  What kind of car would England drive? Mini? Aston Martin? Bentley? Nope, Ford Fiesta, they love those things over in Europe.

Ford Fiesta

The 1987 Ford Fiesta, carrying England just was Tboned by Slovakia who were driving a Yugo.

It really is like World War III just started momentarily and U2 sings the theme song.  It is not that I hate Europe, it is that I love America and they hate us and I hate the Ford Fiesta, I am much more partial to the Dodge Pool Party.  Don’t think for a second that everybody in England is not chanting THE U.S. ARE WANKERS in complete unison right now. Which would be quite the amazing feat, Color me impressed.  Everybody talks about the unity the world cup brings.  HA I don’t buy it. It brings different cultures to the same country to drink Pabst and sleep in the streets.

Here are some good examples of the unity the world cup brings.

Rooney Stomp

Nut stomp. Very unifying. Go world!

and….. bald people are just angry.

Zidane

Zinedine thanking Matterazi for the lovely brunch they had earlier. Europe doesn't shake hands just head butt

But no unity is okay, badass is good enough for me.  I mean Lakers Celtics maybe 3 more times. Ewww, lemme Gun Brains Wall. (alot of people always say things like, I wanted to blow my brains out or that makes me want to shoot myself in the face…. well I do when this nba finals comes on, apparently I want to go out with a gun to my dome piece, so I just shortened it to Gun Brain Wall, gun shoots my brain, my brain hits the wall).  But a month of Soccer to prove who the best Nation is?  Sold.

Sucks for the rest of the world though, even if they win, they still aren’t the USA! WHOAAA! Sea to shining sea bitches!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #120

LEE GREENWOOD

GOD BLESS THE U.S.A

so american, so fucking great.

GO AMERICA! WE OWNED ENGLAND IN THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR! TIME FOR ROUND 2!

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Time to watch soccer, no chips during the world cup.  The world cup calls for bon bons and toblerones.

POOR CHOICE FOR A NAME AWESOMENESS: MONSTER IN MY POCKET!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, Humor, Monsters, Toys with tags , , , , , on June 6, 2010 by tsanda

I have been accused, fairly at that, that I can be a bit unPC at times.  I say things that my mother would shake her head at and say “Ohhhh (fill in the blank with whatever name you fancy)((i’d go with Trevor Rodriguez, that is a man’s man’s name))) you shouldn’t say those things people will think your weird or crazy or an asshole or hilarious! I added that last part for dramatic effect.  Like thunder after lighting.  Maybe I am reading to much into this…

Monster in my pocket

Really? That's the name for a children's toy/game?

So, here is an idea.  Lets get kids okay with the phrase “monster in my pocket”. So if somebody / namely a stranger who may drive a van, or have mustache and wear a windbreaker or buys a lot of candy happens to saddle up next to little timmy at the merry go round and says,  “Hey I have a Monster in my pocket, would you like to play with it? Or see it, or touch it, or trade with yours”.  Little timmy only thinks of that toy / game he loves and says “fuck ya mister” (timmy watch your mouth).  So there is nothing wrong with toys, and monsters are pretty freaking awesome.  If it would have even just been “monsters in my pocket” not as bad, not nearly as pederass.  But that singular Monster in my Pocket, just makes my skin crawl.

So the next time this guy drives up next to your kid at the playground and successfully takes him home.  You have the children’s toy industry to thank. Your Christmas Gift to your son got him molested!

Ohhh sorry, I meant to post a picture of a person who looks like a pedifile, this is just Adam Morrison ... Wait a minute...ewwww

So there ya have it. Kids are dumb and toys peaked with crayons. Can’t get any better or less pederass. Unless of course you had a TV show where a full grown man lived in a basement and acted as a “baby sitter” …

Charles in Charge

There is a new boy in the neighbor hood, he lives downstairs and its understood that he is there just to take good care of me.....right.

HAHA who buys Charles In Charge on DVD? And when can we hang out?

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Awesome song of the Day # 119

Adam Kesher (band not person)

French Electro Pop Rock = Damn Catchy

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ROBOTS AWESOMENESS: ROBOTS THAT VACUUM YOUR FLOOR!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Humor, Technology with tags , , , , , on June 2, 2010 by tsanda

Holy shit mom. You no longer need to haul around that giant vacuum anymore just to make me happy and make the floor clean as a whistle. Which is an odd statement.  Clean as a whistle…. the only good way to whistle cause if you happen to know what a dirty whistle is, yes it involves blowing air into somebody’s asshole. No you didn’t ask for the answer to that question but I enlightened you anyways. Now that my ass hole as been sufficiently blown into and so has your minds.  We can get back to the task at hand! Forget I Robot, forget Short Circuit forget some other insightful and interesting statement about robots.  They now clean floors.  The world can now end.

Floor Cleaning Robot

Technology so fucking practical.

I always thought that robots would be made to fight wars and space things. That in the future I would have a robot butler but he would still have to lug around that old Bissell ( my personal favorite name for a company, say it, Bissell, BIISSSSEELLLLL, just fun)

Nope instead technology has peaked. So I can fire my stupid robot butler and hire a robot vacuum and I am good to go. Which is also odd to say cause I really don’t go any where.  That vacuum better hope i don’t stick my dick in it, what?! who the hell said that! That is gross! I will need a robot vacuum cleaning robot to clean your man part left overs out of my vacuum.

What would be great is that My Eligh. He’s the lady of house (which if you know him such a true statement) he hates vacuums, he is a big baby and is scared of nearly everything. So if I got a robot vacuum there is a good chance they would fight. Talk about MMA. Forgot Wraslin v Boxing….Dog v Robot.  I’d sell so many tix and be rich and invent a robot toaster that walks up stairs and shoot toast at my face when I sleep to wake me up.  !!!! WHOA!!!! Mind blown. It would double, for free, as a alarm clock. SOLD! TO MYSELF FOR FREE! CAUSE I OWN IT!

Those vacuums sure look like they want to eat that baby...or the TV, robots probably eat electronics... Or babies, RUN BABY THAT VACUUM IS GONNA EAT YOU! OR CLEAN UP QUIETLY AFTER YOU LEAVE CRUMBS!

Next time you want to blow somebody’s mind.  No, not a dirty whistle. Tell somebody “Well you know what they say” and then just walk away.  So great. I do it to my mom all the time. Her head has exploded roughly once, cause thats all that a head can handle, duh.

DIRTY WHISTLES!  I learned that tonight and it makes me laugh. Who is blowing into other peoples assholes? I am wondering … really.  hit me up.  We can Cyber Dirty Whistle.

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Awesome song of the Day # 118

SUCKERS – BLACK SHEEP

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