Archive for March, 2010

BUG AWESOMENESS: PRAYING MANTISESESES!

Posted in awesomness, blog, Bugs, Dork, Humor with tags , , , , , , on March 22, 2010 by tsanda

The eseses is for many.  Extra plural.  I am a pretty big fan of bugs.  Lots of cool ones.  They can lay eggs in your back.  They can fly, they can be ladies and they can eat your face off after make babies.  WHOOOAAOOO! The death after baby making makes me cringe a bit but the face eating part is neat.  I wish more animals ate faces it is such an under utilized death method.  Poison this, claws that, eat when already dead.  So many animals are lame.  Yeah I am talking at you Vultures.

Vultures

Nature Pic: Kids this Picture is of Vultures sucking. Ohh you kill that? Nope? Hope you get food poisoning.

Don’t believe me that praying mantisie, singular silly, eat faces after the thing they do in private? Called sexual cannibalism, just learned that on wiki.  Luckily for me there is nothing called Masturbation Cannibalism, bad news on many fronts.  Well just the dead me part and least I went out how I came into this world….. I’m gonna give you a second cause that paragraph is incredible, filled with jokes and stuff …I loved it.

Hmmmm changing subjects now.

Praying Mantis in fact don’t pray, they are in fact atheists.  They watched the Bill Maher movie and swore off god for good.

More facts: Praying Mantis”””ssss are actually terrible boxers.  I am 7,988,988 – 1 in my bouts with 1 NC, jerk threw sand in my eyes.  Then I went to my knees and rubbed my eyes and yelled for dramatic effect.  Like…..

AHHH MY EYES! DAMN YOU EVIL MANTIS, I WILL SAY IT BUT I WON'T LIKE IT.......KUMATA!!!!!

For a post about Bugs I sure don’t have a lot of pictures of them. It is because they are disgusting and eat weird shit.  What ever happened to bugs liking rotten fruit or dead animals? What the crap is this?

Praying Mantis

Ewwww. Bugs. I bet I will win in our boxing matchup later.

AHHH SHIT! THERE WAS A LAST MINUTE MANTIS REPLACEMENT DAMNIT!

Humans only predators: 1) Predators, 2) Giant Praying Mantis'zz'zs. Just stay away from him when he is horny.

Dear lord that word is hard to pluralize.

Im done with this!

Time to fight some bugs.

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Awesome Song of the Day # 112

MAGIC MAN

NEST

only 45 view getting you in on the ground floor. Your fucking welcome.

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CHILDHOOD AWESOMENESS: TOYS THAT TEACH SKILLS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, Humor, memories, Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2010 by tsanda

Halo, no skills taught. Kids just sitting around smoking bongs shooting rockets at each other at a prison.  What can you use that for in real life? I’m asking you.  I can wait……….

I got sick of waiting and learned some war tactics and mental visualization skills by playing a quick game of battleship with my dog.  He always sinks my battle ship! Then I throw the board across the room and pout.  I am currently pouting.  Big frowny face. Shup up eligh, I know you always win.

What else do kids do these days?  Pokeman? Digimon? Some other japanese card crap thing? That only teaches kids to be poofs who are afraid of the sun none of those animals are real… at least when I was a kid I had baby animal memory.  Great for the brain and adorable.

When I was a kid we practiced being construction workers.  Practical real world skills that we could transfer to our adult lives.

Kid Construction Worker

It's not that bad, fresh air, as many cigs as you can smoke, a sweet hat. See Timmy you too can join the working class.

Look how much fun I had? Buckets.  Which I knew how to fill and empty because of my construction skills.

My imaginary sister. What did she get? Easy-Bake oven  Now she can bake the shit out of some stuff.  And as a secret added bonus that you just don’t think about.  Changing Light Bulbs.  Think about it.  Two skills in one!  Personal Palm Computers for kids? Kids don’t have appointments! You don’t need a Palm Pre to schedule picking your nose.  I remember just fine.

Easy Bake Oven

Girls you're gonna need these skills to land a man......

Well I have effectively offended my female fans.  Ha thats a good one. Girls don’t read this. Or talk to me… More frowny face!

I really don’t party with to many children these days.  Trying to think of more stuff they do that sucks. Let me think.

FUCK.

I just googled some shit that pisses me off more than fire ants on my face.  When I was a kid nerf and super soaker where the shit. You had to convince your folks to get 2 toys to get both.  Now they have combined forces!? Whaaaa? First KFC and Taco Bell now Super Soaker and Nerf? Ohh no big d…looks like crap.  Good. That was a close call thought kids these days had a foot up on us. Nope still sucky.

Bull shit super nerfers don’t have shit on… king kong!!!  Yes, Denzel Washington, we realize that … now stop yelling that at Ethan Hawke. He is fragile and stop interrupting my blog.   I was going to say hungry hungry hippos.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

I wanna be the blue one.

How many lessons in that game?!?!?! Count em. Survival of the Fittest! ONE!.  But a good lesson, if you don’t eat as much as you can, and as much of your co-hippas food as you can.  Then you will starve to death.  What happens when there is no more food? Ughhh, play again. World resources solved yet again. I tackle the big issues move over anderson cooper.

out

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Awesome Song of the Day #111

Bonobo

Flutter

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EMOTIONAL COMPLETENESS AWESOMENESS: HAPPINESS FOUND!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, happiness :), Humor, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by tsanda

Man-kinds entire existence has been centered around the search for happiness.  We have tried religion, drugs, music, movies, friendship, families, staring at Koala Bears and so on and so forth.  Well, today driving home from an unnamed International Airport in the city of Denver, it will stay secret to protect my identity, I discovered the secret to happiness.

Irish License Plate

Well that's fucking bullshit.

Not a lick of Irish in me.  Life is cruel, and I had to find out the hard way that I will never be happy.  Judy McGarrity’s license plate on her 97′ mauve Ford Tempo.  Talk about kick in the ballsfacestomach.  Well I guess that gives me the right to pursue my true calling.  Blackhearted Somali pirate. Don’t bring your cargo ships around these parts…. pirating (a real verb) will happen.

I am tired from traveling.  Enjoy this song. Makes me….well I was gonna say happy but thats not true cause I’m not irish.  Neither is this band.  Well, get mild fleeting entertainment from it.

Awesome Song #110

The Morning Benders – Chasing a Ghost

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ANIMAL AWESOMENESS: KOALA BEARS!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Nature with tags , , , , , , , on March 6, 2010 by tsanda

So cute.

KOALA BEAR

Ahhhhh. Nature's Pillow.

Like me of the mini bear world. Wait! Fact check! Give me a pause………….

I am back, Professor Wikipedia, has informed yet again I am wrong and the English Language is full of shit.

Koala Bears are not in fact bears.  The name has fooled me for years and years and years and years. Maybe Koala Marsupial just didn’t sound right.  I think its got a cathy ring to it, and honesty is the best policy, thats what Momma TsandA always said. Until I found out that she was a double agent from Moscow trying to steal all my secrets…. can’t trust anybody not even the Koala.

You know what really makes them awesome.  Big doughey eyes? No, but close those do get me everytime.  The little button nose? No silly we aren’t talking about me.  The giant razor sharp claws that are supposed to be on a dragon not an actual Ewok. Yepppp. Look at these beasts!

Koala Claw

Claws of a El Chupacabra? They freeekin wish.

Holy balls, they are so redic that they only need 3! (as far as I know that’s a guess this picture only shows 3 so they only have 3 toes)

The uses for these? Peeling fruits. Climbing Trees. Slashing other dirt bag Koalas in the grill when they step.  For real though, Im not even sure tigers want any piece of that.  That’s were they get you.

Koala – “Ahhh look at me I am cute as can be”

Tiger – “nice, gonna eat you bitch”

Swiping noise

Tiger – dead.

Koala then eats the Tiger while starring at the Tiger’s family and just points with one of those claws “don’t step”

Evil Koala

Full of Tiger Meat. Look at the gnarly scar on the face! that's from Koala gang fighting. Truth.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.  Because that book could eat your tiger.

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Awesome Song of the Day #109

was a debate today, Rural Alberta Advantage is pretty sweet, but we’ve been without some rap for a minute.

The Clipse Ft. Camron (produced by the Neptunes)

Popular Demand (popeyes)

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FOOD AWESOMENESS: FIG NEWTONS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Food, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2010 by tsanda

Fig Newtons are not as popular as they used to be.  I call strike 3 on society.  First, people have turned on Nick Cage? Thought I couldn’t handle it there. Next, Cookie Monster is a fucking vegetarian? He only ate cookies god damn-it he was already a fucking vegetarian!   There are no such things as meat cookies. However … the thought is intreaging … and I may mix my next steak with some sugar cookie mix…oven it..eat it.  Roll, in it? Anybody? Just me? Fine more meat cookies for the old badass.

Then Fig Newtons dropped in popularity! Jesus Hansen Christ! Have you tried one? Lately or ever…? If it’s never get your head out your ass … stop eating garbage and go get some.  I don’t care how you get some….just get some! (i stole that from a sweet Texas Car dealer ad)

Like all food not as good looking in actual picture form. But looks better than they do on the exit trip! HA get it..nuge nuge, wink wink…shit joke!

Fig Newtons

I had 7 before I could take the picture...got a problem with that? Yeah, your right I didn't take that pic..but I did eat 7 fig newtons...okay 19.

It is a delicious fruit wrapped in cake! Holy Hell! Almost as enticing as Meat Cookies. Or Snicker Sandwiches!  Did your mom ever say, “hey kid, eat some fruit…and you can have cake after”  Wanna bake her noodle (not a sexual phrase I promise) Just say this “mommy! BOTH!”.  Works every time.  Your food pyramid more like a square? Just waffles? Well mine is immaculate.  47 servings of fruit.  All Figs with Newton wrappers.

EVEN RACCOONS LIKE THEM! WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?

Raccoon Eating a Fig Newton

If this doesn't make you smile then you hate fig newtons and raccoons. And are the Devil.

Billy Nye- “Badass?”

Me: “Yes resident scientist?”

Billy Nye – “Have you ever had a regular fig?” You know the Fruit?”

Me – “No, don’t be fucking silly. What is this? Crazy Town America?”

Enough with science for the day.

I am so glad the internet exists.  This last picture just fell in my lap.  Meat Cookies? Nah, I’ll take some Meat Newtons Please! OHHH BOY!  I am so excited to see your face when you see this next picture.  Just don’t look in the tree outside your house.  Promise I am not there….promise.

Meat Fig Newtons

Ha! yep. Somebody is a jeanius! HA the internet is incredible. My folks missed out for sure.

Wow my Bucket List is actually complete.  I saw a raccoon eating a Fig Newton.  Wait one more entry on my Bucket List.  See the Bucket List. Nice, tonight is gonna be sweet, Meaty Cake filled figs and Jack Nicholson flirting with Morgan Freeman.

Time has come to say bye.  Bye.

Awesome Song of the Day # 108

Electric Light Orchestra

Evil Woman

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