Archive for February, 2010

FURNITURE AWESOMENESS: PET STEPS!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 28, 2010 by tsanda

Humans love our pets.  We will keep anything as a pet. Giant killer snakes? Monkeys that eat your neighbors face off? Spiders? ROCKS? All are yeses. We are obsessed with making life perfect for our pets.  They eat gourmet fish and barley while I am stuck eating 10 lbs of butter from Costco.  Gotta buy that fancy ass kibble.  We recreate coral reefs for our tropical poisonous king of the jungle fish.  And the most amazing of all, pet steps.  Tiny little stairs so our little furry friends can come spoon with us while we cry in lonely sadness that there isn’t a human next to us.  Rather a creature that is perfectly fine with farting in our faces and then demanding we let them out to shit.  That’s who I want nestled gently next to me at night.  Hey little buddy use these steps it will make it easier.

Pet Steps

I want to throw up in your bed but it is so far away...Ugh.

I’ve been installing pet steps all over my house to make my life a little easier.  Step over the edge of my bubble bath tub? Risk bumping my shins? Hells no. Risk a slip on some bubbles and maybe bashing my noodle and drowning? Never.  3 steps up the edge of the tub, 3 step back down in.  Very controlled and safe, I also have hand rails for extra safety. My stairs were the worst part of my house 12 up and 12 down.  Those were really big spaces and I just couldn’t quite make that space.  Burn the hell out of my calfs  Now? Pet steps in between each step.  I still have to go the same distance but its much easier on my quads, just baby steps.  I still have to take a nap half way up, but now my legs don’t burn afterwards.  Life is good.  You know how I know 2012 end of the world is going to come true?

Mayan Temple

Ancient Pet Steps, kings dog slept up there. To high to jump.

Pet steps were invented a long time ago, to make sacrificing people easier and so their dogs wouldn’t feel left out.  They knew! They predicted the future, that we would be using steps for our lazy fat ass animals to get to the top of tall things.  Jeeeshh those guys are smart.  My thought? why not sacrifice people on the ground. No steps, no huffing and puffing, much cleaner head chop offs when you aren’t breathing heavy.  Guess they were not that smart.

Olympics are over.  What am I going to do with no curling? Bye England female team captain I will miss you. XOXO.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #107

College – Teenage Color

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MONSTER AWESOMENESS: EL CHUPACABRA!

Posted in Aliens, Animals, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Monsters, Nature, Science, Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2010 by tsanda

The Goat Eater. The Mexican addition to the world of real animals that only crazy unemployed drunk people see.  They are dog hybrids who eat… well goats.  Maybe the occasional cow if they are feeling feisty, they also love lemonade and pop rocks. Fact.  It is illegal to hunt them with crossbows but legal to hunt them with dynamite.

Favorite “proof” photo ever after the space:

El Chupacabra

Yep, thats it. I think I also see a big foot and sinbad.

I didn’t realize getting proof was so easy anymore.  At least the loch ness monster was an actual stick in an actual lake, that kinda looked like a monster. This photo straight up looks like exactly what we are looking at, bushes and a rocks.  I’ve got my camera on auto snaps a lot setting.  I’ve already seen a martian, a werewolf and atleast 5 El Chupacabras outside my house around my walk way.

Please take some time to review this amazing cover story that an actual El Chupacabra decided to tear through. They are shy….don’t like all this publicity. One just tore through my computer.  Rear Terror is here. Another fact.

EL CHUPACABRA

Please train your eyes to the bottom corner, "SCIENCE OUT OF CONTROL!" With a picture of a black guy. I really really want to read that story.

Yep, if you looked closely that is a movie starring Treach. Who was in Naughty By Nature. And yes I have seen it, and it is as good as you think it is. Move over Forrest Gump and chocolates… because life is like a box of El Chupacabras, you DO know what your going to get. Death and eaten face.  For some reason it takes place on a boat. Hollywood is awesome.  I am going to make a space movie that takes place in an elementary school starring a llama.

But watch out Texas and Arizona.  With the flood of illegal immigrants due to lack of work.  A lot of illegal goats are coming into this country to be goat herded illegally.  Which means a shit ton of Illegal El Chupacabras are coming over to eat them.  Sooner or later a lot of mythical creatures from the great US of A will be complaining that the El Chupacabras are stealing all their work.  Classic social commentary people.

This post was dedicated to Marc.  Enjoy more Africa time.  They don’t however have El Chupacabras.  They do however have real animals that will murder you instantly.  ENJOY!

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Awesome Song of the Day #106

Broken Social Scene! NEW SINGLE!

WORLD SICK

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COCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH CANDY AWESOMENESS: LIFE SAVERS

Posted in Advertisements, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Candy, Dork, Humor, Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2010 by tsanda

Talk about thinking your shit doesn’t stink.  Life savers? Are you fucking shitting me?  You don’t get Snickers – “we will cure your cancer and blindness and depression candy”  Well, back that up, Snickers can cure depression.  Sad?  Just eat one. Done.

Live Savers

False Advertising. Cancer still beats them 10/10 times, our old friend Bill Nye agrees.

Not familiar with Life Savers?  Well, you have never met a 65+ year old then.  They love these things.  Finally figured out why… the promise of saving your life, the possibility of immortality.  Brad Pitt would say immortality take it is yours.  Old people agree hence all the life savers.  What a crock of shit these things are, old people die all the time! … But I like how old people think little kids are fooled by giving them life saver mints as candy.

I mean they are okay, Life Makers a Little Betters for 5 Minutes, much better name.  Rolls off the tongue, like french.  Or Life My Breath Won’t Stink for 38 Secondsers… again a logical and true improvement.

Life savers? That means you are equating yourself with what people wear when they are drowning?

Not to mention life savers hate fat girls.  Don’t judge me look for your self.

Life Savers

The Boys Love Slim Sally. She is saving her life by staying fit with life savers.... Holy Cow olden times.

The only life saver I need is Italian and a Stallion.  When I am drowning in a tunnel I won’t be turning to life savers to help me get boys, Nope. They can’t find the daylight… Great pun, just great.

daylight stallone

Also considered a candy by some.

If you watched that clip from earlier (brad pitt link) it is time for me to turn my sword.

SWORD TURN!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #105

Deer Tick

Not So Dense

Please at least listen from 2:50 – 3:35. A+ scream!

BIRD AWESOMENESS: LOONS!

Posted in Animals, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dinosaurs, Dork, Humor, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2010 by tsanda

I like loons.  They are neat ducks.  Wikipedia states however they are not in fact ducks, a completely different species of birds.  Hey wikipedia, how about this fact of nature? They all used to be velociraptors….  Where is your fancy facts now? Yea thought so, all birds are the same because they used to be things that killed Samuel L. Jackson while he tried to turn the power back on.  Science lesson done.

Loons make cool noises.  Watch this clip while you sleep.  Subliminally.

They are very soothing, like hot rock massages.  Forget sounds of the jungle, think sounds of the loon.  But why I love loons more is because these calm and seemingly normal creatures get associated with crazy people like say Gary Busey.  People call ole Busey “looney” and it gives those sweet ducks a bad name.

The creator of words saw this.

Loons

Don't be afraid to nap for a few minutes after looking at these guys and listening to their calls... they are natures 12 beers in 30 minutes.

Then they thought those wondrous creations of vishnu describe this guy really well.

Crazy Guy

I see the resemblance, the pearl necklaces.

Ahh to be an old timey cave man, and get to name things.  That wondrous life has been extinct to modern homosapians for a long time.  All you had to do was just put letters together and nobody questioned you.  Xylophone? Really? Who can you call with it and what the shit is a xylo.  I would have been way better … instead of cow – sazlar.  Chicken – sazlar. Space —? Yep fried chicken. Doesn’t matter there is not point of reference.  Win win win cavemen rule!

For our song of the day I dedicate it to the memory of REAL fried chicken, and big fake boobs!

enjoy

Awesome Song of the Day #104

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #103 – EMMANUEL AND THE FEAR – JIMME’S SONG

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Music with tags , , , , , on February 13, 2010 by tsanda

Was jamming to new tunes on the way to see Super Baby aka Sydney my niece and was cranking the tunage to a new CD I got.  Emmanuel and the Fear.  Good stuff.  Then came on Jimme’s Song, and I played it on repeat the entire way back from Super Baby’s house.  Yeah she is pretty sweet she already owns her own house and kicked my ass in Wii bowling, then spit up on me for good measure.  She means business.

ENJOY! I DO!

Emmanuel and the Fear

Jimme’s Song

Later Gater

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VERB AWESOMENESS: JUMPING!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, cat dancing, Dork, Happyness :), Humor with tags , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2010 by tsanda

Lots of stuffs is just ho-hum.  Kicking….ugh, played out.  You lift your leg, it hits somebody, they say “ouchey” or “oye!” if they are british or a hasidic jew. High fives, what am I?…. Five? No silly, five year olds these days are way more technologically savvy then I am.

Kid on computer

Kids are so productive on the computer because they haven't yet discovered the web porn yet. Give a few years. Then they will be bald too.

My skills are basically etch – a – sketch.  If I were a rubber band gun of technical proficiency little kids would be the Large Hadron Collider.

To make things better it is really easy.  You don’t need money or 5 year intelligence.  Rather the power of your legs and a little fuck you to gravity.

Take this visual example.

Kick

Kick. Not Gonna lie this may be my new favorite person. Move over Bea Arthur.

Wanna make that kick just about 1000x times cooler, large hadron collider cool?

Just throw a little jump and possibly a Hi-ya into the mix! Cool factor check check and check.

Jump Kick

Dear god 5 years olds are gonna take over the world.

You know what else is more neater than just regular.  Cats.  Most people don’t like cats, for whatever reason.  They are probably drunk or something.  But what if you could go jumping with you cat?  Maybe on your bed? Then I think you would lose your job from how much fun it could be.  Stupid 5 year olds can they do this?

Cat Dancing

Huh...

Jump High Five! Great, Jump Axe Throwing, Jump Jets! I mean damn girl, they are sweet.  Ever seen two men celebrate a great training session by just standing in the surf? Yea didn’t think so.

Rocky III

The only way to celebrate, short shorts and mesh shirts.

I even jumped bloged this shit, sweaty and pumped up I am.  God Dang.

Later

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Awesome Song of The Day #102

Gucci Mane

The Movie

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WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SLEEVE WEAPONS!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesomness, blog, Humor, Stuff, Weapons with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 9, 2010 by tsanda

Shirt sleeves are so useless most of the time.  I mean all of my shirts are sleeveless, gym shirts, work shirts, wedding shirts, funeral shirts, sleeping, eating, swimming pool shirts.  I just can’t see a good reason to cover these pythons.  Until yesterday.  I got in to a knife fight with some guy.  He had nothing.  Just stupid fists and a shit long sleeved dumb ass shirt. I laughed for about 35 seconds in his face with my pocket knife waving in his face.  Then he smiled and “swhhoooommmmmp” (onimonipea) and giant swords came flying out of his shirts! HE WASN’T EVEN WOLVERINE!  I lost, it goes without saying.  So, I am laying in the hospital this morning, licking my wounds and thinking, how did he do that?  … Then like a ray of light from the Dawn….Those fucking sleeves are good for something.  Hiding Weapons, and I love my weapons.

Hell Boy

That's what I get for picking a fight with the guy from Hell Boy.

So i’ve healed, fast healer, like a cat.  I strapped a couple swords under my shirt.  Got ready to pick a fight.  This time, I went to a Mexican Cantina. Lovely little joint.  Mariachi music playing in the background, I take a Sol and sat and waited for somebody, who A) would fight me, then B) I could win.  So this punk ass little pretty boy walks in and steps on my toe.

Direct Quote From Me – “hey? what the heck!”

Him – “some word in spanish”

Me – “……”

Him – “Lo Siento”

Me – “Ohhh well fuck you too”. Swords pop out, commence laughing.

Him – “sccchhhhwwippp ( more noises that sound like their spelled ) GUNS? WHAT THE FUCK!

Desperado

Maybe I have misjudged this pretty guitar playing man. Crap x2.

I gotta stop fighting guys from movies already.  I saw Clubber Lang and ran the other way.  He didn’t have sleeves but I guarantee he has a laser cannon hidden in his mohawk.

What do I do? Here is what I did tonight, after my bullet wounds healed.  Yea wound-s plural.  Jerk shot my 6 times.

I went to Burma, smuggled a tiger out of the country, strapped a Mini Gun on it’s head and stuck it in my pant leg.  Who wants a piece? You Antonio Banderas? Didn’t think so.

Bring it.

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Awesome Song of The Day #101

Annie Lennox

Walking On Broken Glass

(Guest starring John Malkavich)

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