FURNITURE AWESOMENESS: PET STEPS!

Humans love our pets.  We will keep anything as a pet. Giant killer snakes? Monkeys that eat your neighbors face off? Spiders? ROCKS? All are yeses. We are obsessed with making life perfect for our pets.  They eat gourmet fish and barley while I am stuck eating 10 lbs of butter from Costco.  Gotta buy that fancy ass kibble.  We recreate coral reefs for our tropical poisonous king of the jungle fish.  And the most amazing of all, pet steps.  Tiny little stairs so our little furry friends can come spoon with us while we cry in lonely sadness that there isn’t a human next to us.  Rather a creature that is perfectly fine with farting in our faces and then demanding we let them out to shit.  That’s who I want nestled gently next to me at night.  Hey little buddy use these steps it will make it easier.

I want to throw up in your bed but it is so far away...Ugh.

I’ve been installing pet steps all over my house to make my life a little easier.  Step over the edge of my bubble bath tub? Risk bumping my shins? Hells no. Risk a slip on some bubbles and maybe bashing my noodle and drowning? Never.  3 steps up the edge of the tub, 3 step back down in.  Very controlled and safe, I also have hand rails for extra safety. My stairs were the worst part of my house 12 up and 12 down.  Those were really big spaces and I just couldn’t quite make that space.  Burn the hell out of my calfs  Now? Pet steps in between each step.  I still have to go the same distance but its much easier on my quads, just baby steps.  I still have to take a nap half way up, but now my legs don’t burn afterwards.  Life is good.  You know how I know 2012 end of the world is going to come true?

Ancient Pet Steps, kings dog slept up there. To high to jump.

Pet steps were invented a long time ago, to make sacrificing people easier and so their dogs wouldn’t feel left out.  They knew! They predicted the future, that we would be using steps for our lazy fat ass animals to get to the top of tall things.  Jeeeshh those guys are smart.  My thought? why not sacrifice people on the ground. No steps, no huffing and puffing, much cleaner head chop offs when you aren’t breathing heavy.  Guess they were not that smart.

Olympics are over.  What am I going to do with no curling? Bye England female team captain I will miss you. XOXO.

—-

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #107

College – Teenage Color

——–

MONSTER AWESOMENESS: EL CHUPACABRA!

The Goat Eater. The Mexican addition to the world of real animals that only crazy unemployed drunk people see.  They are dog hybrids who eat… well goats.  Maybe the occasional cow if they are feeling feisty, they also love lemonade and pop rocks. Fact.  It is illegal to hunt them with crossbows but legal to hunt them with dynamite.

Favorite “proof” photo ever after the space:

Yep, thats it. I think I also see a big foot and sinbad.

I didn’t realize getting proof was so easy anymore.  At least the loch ness monster was an actual stick in an actual lake, that kinda looked like a monster. This photo straight up looks like exactly what we are looking at, bushes and a rocks.  I’ve got my camera on auto snaps a lot setting.  I’ve already seen a martian, a werewolf and atleast 5 El Chupacabras outside my house around my walk way.

Please take some time to review this amazing cover story that an actual El Chupacabra decided to tear through. They are shy….don’t like all this publicity. One just tore through my computer.  Rear Terror is here. Another fact.

Please train your eyes to the bottom corner, "SCIENCE OUT OF CONTROL!" With a picture of a black guy. I really really want to read that story.

Yep, if you looked closely that is a movie starring Treach. Who was in Naughty By Nature. And yes I have seen it, and it is as good as you think it is. Move over Forrest Gump and chocolates… because life is like a box of El Chupacabras, you DO know what your going to get. Death and eaten face.  For some reason it takes place on a boat. Hollywood is awesome.  I am going to make a space movie that takes place in an elementary school starring a llama.

But watch out Texas and Arizona.  With the flood of illegal immigrants due to lack of work.  A lot of illegal goats are coming into this country to be goat herded illegally.  Which means a shit ton of Illegal El Chupacabras are coming over to eat them.  Sooner or later a lot of mythical creatures from the great US of A will be complaining that the El Chupacabras are stealing all their work.  Classic social commentary people.

This post was dedicated to Marc.  Enjoy more Africa time.  They don’t however have El Chupacabras.  They do however have real animals that will murder you instantly.  ENJOY!

—–

Awesome Song of the Day #106

Broken Social Scene! NEW SINGLE!

WORLD SICK

——-

COCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH CANDY AWESOMENESS: LIFE SAVERS

Talk about thinking your shit doesn’t stink.  Life savers? Are you fucking shitting me?  You don’t get Snickers – “we will cure your cancer and blindness and depression candy”  Well, back that up, Snickers can cure depression.  Sad?  Just eat one. Done.

False Advertising. Cancer still beats them 10/10 times, our old friend Bill Nye agrees.

Not familiar with Life Savers?  Well, you have never met a 65+ year old then.  They love these things.  Finally figured out why… the promise of saving your life, the possibility of immortality.  Brad Pitt would say immortality take it is yours.  Old people agree hence all the life savers.  What a crock of shit these things are, old people die all the time! … But I like how old people think little kids are fooled by giving them life saver mints as candy.

I mean they are okay, Life Makers a Little Betters for 5 Minutes, much better name.  Rolls off the tongue, like french.  Or Life My Breath Won’t Stink for 38 Secondsers… again a logical and true improvement.

Life savers? That means you are equating yourself with what people wear when they are drowning?

Not to mention life savers hate fat girls.  Don’t judge me look for your self.

The Boys Love Slim Sally. She is saving her life by staying fit with life savers.... Holy Cow olden times.

The only life saver I need is Italian and a Stallion.  When I am drowning in a tunnel I won’t be turning to life savers to help me get boys, Nope. They can’t find the daylight… Great pun, just great.

Also considered a candy by some.

If you watched that clip from earlier (brad pitt link) it is time for me to turn my sword.

SWORD TURN!

—–

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #105

Deer Tick

Not So Dense

Please at least listen from 2:50 – 3:35. A+ scream!