Archive for January, 2010

CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: THE UNITARD!

Posted in Awesome, blog, clothing, Dork, Humor, Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2010 by tsanda

My last post opened a pandoras box of sorts.  The monkey wearing a unitard.  I got shit tons of comments about that…one… jeeezzz I was shooting for 3.  Ohh well NDB (no big deal for those of you who aren’t hip… AKA my folks.  Love ya mom!)  So this Pandora’s box of sorts, I think everybody who reads my blog… which equals the population of China.  Do the math! Is now wearing the One – Tard.  (unitard for fashionistas) Here is a picture of me enjoying the breeze on a beach in my uni.

Unitard

Enjoying the fresh smell of spring, in my unitard, the world is my oyster.

You’re wondering this question, audibly to yourself, as you read this, naked on the can.  (that sentence has a comma explosion, i never learned where to put those things I figure they are like chocolate chips.  The more the better….)

My 1 Billion Fans – “have you lost your mind? Those look silly and so impractical…I mean when can you wear them? and how do you get them on.”

Me – Mentally back to your brain in response.

“Nope Sister, it serves all purposes under the sun… and I have no idea how to get that shit on. but thats not the point.”

Use:  Your ears are cold and you have to sit awkwardly with spirit fingers.

Answer – Blue full uni.

Blue Unitard

Perfect Solution for your cold ears... plus u still have the dexterity of a cat.

Use: Your a white guy?

Answer: Uno-tard. (spanish)

Unitard

I am enjoying the sound of you eating your words! No uses? It is perfect for that wake or interview you have to go to...

Use: Your not white?

Answer: guess.

Unitard

Big date? Fill in the Blanks _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ... shit... I have no idea how many letters are in unitard do I.

The moral of this story is that if it’s good enough for Freddie Mercury.  It is good enough for you.  You don’t have to worry about your clothes choices clashing. Your wearing stripes and solids after march? Fucking Idiot!  Well no more! + You don’t have to worry about being out of style.  You won’t have to worry about bears.  It really is just splendid to cut down your clothes putting on time by like 10 minutes.  Putting on pants and a shirt is for the fucking birds. Now go out there and show off that package to the world… if not you can borrow my tube sock.

Quote I love – “I can’t see you because I am a parapalegic…where is my paralegal?” – Gucci Mane

Nap time is upon me.

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Awesome Song of the Day #95

The XX

VCR

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SPACE AWESOMENESS: SHOOTING STARS!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Humor, Space with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2010 by tsanda

No, I am not talking about shooting guns at Billy Zane.  But stars don’t get any bigger than that so I can see the confusion.  I’m talking about free wishes! All the fucking time.  A meteor shower happened and now I have the 5 things I have always wanted.

1) A monkey who rides a go-cart in a unitard! TWO COMBINED SUPER WISHES!

2) Dinner once a week with Nick Cage and John Lithgow

3) A brontosaurus

4) Harrier Jump Jet

5) Fig Newtons a – fucking – lot – of them.  Like 47.

Shooting Star

That tree is wishing for a friend or to not be my new cabinet.

Here is how it works.  In the beginning …

Genesis 1:1 God said let there be wishes!

Genesis 1:2 God said let there be fire-y balls of gas that fall into the atmosphere!

Genesis 1:3 Don’t let it hit your house or you be fucked!

The rest is history.  Now I ride my segway to my dolphin farm to play hoops with Dikembe Mutombo.  Wishes are great.  Somebody once said they don’t believe in wishes…you know what that jerk drives? Ford Taurus.  You know what I drive with my “fake”wishes.  Rocket Ship. Or Pirate Boat… if  I am feeling like an adventure.

The moral of this story is next time the “sky is falling” close your eyes and that ice cream chair you’ve been hoping for will be all yours.

Ice Cream Chair

Zhazam! Told you son! Eat it...sit in it? Get kids into your van with it? Nooo. Ewww not that last one.

Just don’t be thinking about an axe in your face when it happens.  That shit would suck… trust me.  My next wish was a new face.  And it’s beautiful.

I see some shooting stars….time to get some new bazookas.

Time Out

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Awesome Song of The Day #94

Tanya Morgan

On Our Way

(dudes can just rap)

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WEAPON AWESOMENESS: CATAPULTS!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, History, Humor, Weapons with tags , , , , , , on January 18, 2010 by tsanda

The ancients were really something special.  They tore your guts out when mad at you.  The burned you alive for maybe just possibly being a witch or just a jerk in general.  You had to walk to the middle east just to get killed violently with sharp stuff for god.  Pretty cool houses though…and by houses I mean castles.  Castles were/are cool because of all the jumping you can do in them.

Jumpy Castle

Dragon + Castle = somebody's gonna need a nap today!

The castle was made to be impregnable, I am pretty sure none of them ever got pregnant … not even once. Although knights certainly tried.  So what are you to do as a marauding army of  English guys with swords?  You can’t scale the walls, hot tar on your face.  You can’t run through it, stone is some tough shit.  You certainly didn’t have stealth bombers quite yet.

Problem Solved. Lets take a bucket and throw giant rocks at it.  Maybe even light that shit on fire.  Catapults are fucking sweet because those idiots in their castle said this exact quote, “ha, you can’t get in…blah blah blah, we are English gentlemen”.  So the other guys, probably also British, I think all knights stuff only happened in british places, plus I don’t like to research, were like maybe we can string some rope…  Put a guy with a horse and sword in it and throw them into the castle to open the door.  So they tried it.  He hit the wall and died.  The horse, yep impaled on something.  Gross… the only other volunteers they could get were rocks.  So they went that route.  Sucks that you spend all this time building a sweet castle and all they other team has to do is throw giant burning rocks from just far enough away and your straight F’ed.

Spoonapult

The Spoonapult ... I use this to attack soup thats hiding in a bread bowl.

Who knew the catapult had so many parts.  After rope and bucket I was lost.  Apparently they have wheels so you can ride one to work.

Catapult

Catapult

I am a big fan of the fact that the easiest part of any of this image to identify are the ropes attaching the various dodads to each other and they have a (?) next to it.  Somehow the artist of this drawing isn’t quite sure what a rope is. But hey he is super jazzed about the wheels so I will let it slide.

End

Awesome Song of The Day #93

Neon Indian

Deadbeat Summer