OLYMPIC AWESOMENESS: THE BIATHLON!

So, the winter games are starting.  The worlds best at making snow angels and  snow forts will gather in Canadia for a competition to see who is cooler.  The USA always wins this because…well, we are just cooler… When is the snow Planet of Hoth gonna get the winter games? It only makes sense.

You’re Confused? God your Dumb!  It is covered in snow! Duh.  Rancors? Those are only on Tatooine … jeez, on Hoth you only have Wampas.  Plus you could have a Wampa joust competition for a medal.  The only problem with a Star Wars Olympics is that Yoda would win every event.  Especially the triple flip jump light saber battles.

But we are light eons away from that competition, so the US can continue our everything domination.  The best Olympic Event? The Luge? Pretty sweet to bullet speed race down a tiny frozen tube. Even cooler if you are Jamaican.  Curling? My only pre-req for a sport is a broom being involved.  But those are distant second to the Grand Daddy of awesome sports.  The Biathlon.  The picture speaks words at you.

Awesome Pants? Poles? A Gun? Why isn't this a major in school?

The purpose of the biathlon.  To ski and shoot guns.  Honest.  You strap on your skis.  You load a weapon, usually a high caliber rifle.  Ski around and shoot shit.  This was made up by the smartest person ever.

Olympics Committee – Would you like to join the downhill ski team?

Awesome German (not sure who invented it but had to be german) – Do I get to shoot shit?

OC – Uhhh? What?

German – Like with a gun, shoot stuff, maybe a bunny or bambi’s mom.  Maybe just cans.  Im okay with cans.  As long as I get to blow them up.

OC- Why not just shoot guns by themselves? Why the skis?

German – Fuck you, that’s not very olympic.  I need to sweat too …. + competition that is what the world was built on.

OC – sold. Bring your gun, we will bring the cans.

And the Biathlon was birthed.

When will the all participate in athletics then participate in violence games occur?

Purpose....drive in circles shooting bullets in the sky. Which ever bullet lands on the ground near the target or... kills a goose wins.

Other great possibilities.

Run a 10k, then strangle somebody.

Swim a mile than jump kick a bear

Do 10 pushups… then a summersault… then Karate Chop a Watermelon.

Africa has been way ahead of us for years on the front.  10k Turkey Trot….Then Machete the closest rebel.

The guy in white is going to win! But no star value! his face is covered!

The olympics could be sooo much better.  More weapons.  Less France.

Bye.

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Awesome Song of the Day #98

Beach House

Better Times

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EMERGENCY WARNING PREPARATIONS AWESOMENESS: AIR-RAID SIRENS!

I was surfing the net because I have the burning question of the ages.  How much does a air raid siren weigh?  Well, this amazing citizen of this fine country took it upon himself to answer that multifaceted question.  THE WEB IS WONDROUS! http://www.airraidsirens.com/. Still pretty cool that a guy can make a living (that’s a total assumption, this website could have been made by a women, so sexist I can be) by informing people about things on poles that make noise when shit storms are about to brew.  I think my fascination with air raid sirens is that that could be used for anything that comes from the sky.  Tremors? No silly! those are underground, air raid sirens would only attract them! Bad idea!

Wait ….I am getting way ahead of myself on this one…where are the color photos and the kinda snappy yet elementary dialogue that follows?  Wow I am dropping the ball.

World War III will never again catch me with my pants off.

You know the beginning of Armageddon?  Where most of the planet is crushed by falling space rocks?  You know how that could have been avoided? Take all of the air raid sirens that are used for rap songs and put them where these rocks were falling.  People hear it…get to safety tragedy avoided.

Space Missile = Air Raid Siren Goes off = Man Kind Alive Tomorrow... only makes sense

It doesn’t just stop with Space Missiles and man made Missiles.  Dragons, check.  Solar Flares, check. Martians, check. Catapult rocks, check.  I like them because they can be used for so many things.  We don’t have enough things that make noise to tell us stuff is happening.  Becker repeats? BWAHHHHHHH, If only life could be so simple.

My mouth is still kinda sore from the wisdom teeth removal.  Maybe I should have not paid a donkey to kick my face till they fell out…. Cost effective yes…. Brain effective……look at Muhammad Ali.. worked out for him….Too soon?

end of days

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Awesome Song of the Day #97

The Temper Trap

Soldier On

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ORAL AWESOMENESS: WISDOM TEETH!

I know that title is a little misleading. It’s okay… a calculated plan of mine to get more hits by tricking people to my blog.  You wonder how I get a calculated plan?  Just use the plan feature on your Casio Calculator Watch and it will lead you in the right direction.  Or figure out the best tip for a given meal.  So last friday I was supposed to get my wisdom teeth pulled.  I only had 3 and they weren’t impacted.  But 1 had a giant hole in it and was rotting.  Which is really cool.  And yep my breath did smell like peaches.  The Oral Surgeon had “an emergency”, that emergency better have been John Stamos needing his wisdom teeth out.  IF, and only If that was the delay, then we coool.  If not…watch your back son.   It was saturday night and I started feeling really bad pain.  By sunday afternoon when I should have been enjoying the Colts kick the shit out of the Jets I was laying on the couch in a ball crying.  And I wasn’t even watching lifetime! I know! So yesterday this was me (gross alert!)

My surgery was done with lazers and robots. Pretty high tech shit. It was preformed by Robocop and the Terminator.

So I got those monstrosities out, I had even asked politely to have them save my teeth so I could chill with them.  I had two plans for them.  1) see what the tooth fairy would give me for those bad boys.  I was thinking 50.00 US security bond.  2) if that didn’t work out… Yep, necklace.  I was going to convince people I hunt and kill hobos for fun and keep 1 wisdom tooth per victory.  Would have made me the cock of the walk…. Guaranteed.

Now I can only sit and remember when I think they would have looked like.  That oral surgeon screwed me out of a bad ass necklace!

This chipmunk is a genius! Somebody find me that chipmunk I want to party with him. FYI... well placed smiley face...good work internet chipmunk

No obvious jokes about how unwise these teeth actually are… so juvenile, I am way better than that ….I mean really they grow in sideways? Weak. Moron Teeth more like it!… I couldn’t help myself.  Just like I can’t help myself around pancakes.  Ohh and go to Denny’s they have a new 3 plate breakfast meal.  I don’t know how that is possible/legal….but I am sold.

Out

Enjoy this 10 minutes of incredibleness. 100 “Cheesiest” Movie Lines…I say Best/Awesome/incredible…but you say tomato I say cabbage.

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Awesome Song of The Day #96

Gucci Mane

Dope Boys

(Bird Anderson Remix from the Diplo Free Gucci, best of the Cold War Mixtapes)

give it a good listen…the beat is soooo chilllin and the lyrics are incredible. (like a pigeon in the sky I just shitted in your eye)

As Always…I love you.