Archive for January, 2010

OLYMPIC AWESOMENESS: THE BIATHLON!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Humor, Music, Sports, star wars, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2010 by tsanda

So, the winter games are starting.  The worlds best at making snow angels and  snow forts will gather in Canadia for a competition to see who is cooler.  The USA always wins this because…well, we are just cooler… When is the snow Planet of Hoth gonna get the winter games? It only makes sense.

You’re Confused? God your Dumb!  It is covered in snow! Duh.  Rancors? Those are only on Tatooine … jeez, on Hoth you only have Wampas.  Plus you could have a Wampa joust competition for a medal.  The only problem with a Star Wars Olympics is that Yoda would win every event.  Especially the triple flip jump light saber battles.

But we are light eons away from that competition, so the US can continue our everything domination.  The best Olympic Event? The Luge? Pretty sweet to bullet speed race down a tiny frozen tube. Even cooler if you are Jamaican.  Curling? My only pre-req for a sport is a broom being involved.  But those are distant second to the Grand Daddy of awesome sports.  The Biathlon.  The picture speaks words at you.

Biathlon

Awesome Pants? Poles? A Gun? Why isn't this a major in school?

The purpose of the biathlon.  To ski and shoot guns.  Honest.  You strap on your skis.  You load a weapon, usually a high caliber rifle.  Ski around and shoot shit.  This was made up by the smartest person ever.

Olympics Committee – Would you like to join the downhill ski team?

Awesome German (not sure who invented it but had to be german) – Do I get to shoot shit?

OC – Uhhh? What?

German – Like with a gun, shoot stuff, maybe a bunny or bambi’s mom.  Maybe just cans.  Im okay with cans.  As long as I get to blow them up.

OC- Why not just shoot guns by themselves? Why the skis?

German – Fuck you, that’s not very olympic.  I need to sweat too …. + competition that is what the world was built on.

OC – sold. Bring your gun, we will bring the cans.

And the Biathlon was birthed.

When will the all participate in athletics then participate in violence games occur?

ATV Biathlon

Purpose....drive in circles shooting bullets in the sky. Which ever bullet lands on the ground near the target or... kills a goose wins.

Other great possibilities.

Run a 10k, then strangle somebody.

Swim a mile than jump kick a bear

Do 10 pushups… then a summersault… then Karate Chop a Watermelon.

Africa has been way ahead of us for years on the front.  10k Turkey Trot….Then Machete the closest rebel.

Machete Biathlon

The guy in white is going to win! But no star value! his face is covered!

The olympics could be sooo much better.  More weapons.  Less France.

Bye.

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Awesome Song of the Day #98

Beach House

Better Times

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EMERGENCY WARNING PREPARATIONS AWESOMENESS: AIR-RAID SIRENS!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Stupid, Technology with tags , , , , , , , on January 30, 2010 by tsanda

I was surfing the net because I have the burning question of the ages.  How much does a air raid siren weigh?  Well, this amazing citizen of this fine country took it upon himself to answer that multifaceted question.  THE WEB IS WONDROUS! http://www.airraidsirens.com/. Still pretty cool that a guy can make a living (that’s a total assumption, this website could have been made by a women, so sexist I can be) by informing people about things on poles that make noise when shit storms are about to brew.  I think my fascination with air raid sirens is that that could be used for anything that comes from the sky.  Tremors? No silly! those are underground, air raid sirens would only attract them! Bad idea!

Wait ….I am getting way ahead of myself on this one…where are the color photos and the kinda snappy yet elementary dialogue that follows?  Wow I am dropping the ball.

Air Raid Siren

World War III will never again catch me with my pants off.

You know the beginning of Armageddon?  Where most of the planet is crushed by falling space rocks?  You know how that could have been avoided? Take all of the air raid sirens that are used for rap songs and put them where these rocks were falling.  People hear it…get to safety tragedy avoided.

Meteor

Space Missile = Air Raid Siren Goes off = Man Kind Alive Tomorrow... only makes sense

It doesn’t just stop with Space Missiles and man made Missiles.  Dragons, check.  Solar Flares, check. Martians, check. Catapult rocks, check.  I like them because they can be used for so many things.  We don’t have enough things that make noise to tell us stuff is happening.  Becker repeats? BWAHHHHHHH, If only life could be so simple.

My mouth is still kinda sore from the wisdom teeth removal.  Maybe I should have not paid a donkey to kick my face till they fell out…. Cost effective yes…. Brain effective……look at Muhammad Ali.. worked out for him….Too soon?

end of days

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Awesome Song of the Day #97

The Temper Trap

Soldier On

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ORAL AWESOMENESS: WISDOM TEETH!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Humor, Medical, Music, Science with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2010 by tsanda

I know that title is a little misleading. It’s okay… a calculated plan of mine to get more hits by tricking people to my blog.  You wonder how I get a calculated plan?  Just use the plan feature on your Casio Calculator Watch and it will lead you in the right direction.  Or figure out the best tip for a given meal.  So last friday I was supposed to get my wisdom teeth pulled.  I only had 3 and they weren’t impacted.  But 1 had a giant hole in it and was rotting.  Which is really cool.  And yep my breath did smell like peaches.  The Oral Surgeon had “an emergency”, that emergency better have been John Stamos needing his wisdom teeth out.  IF, and only If that was the delay, then we coool.  If not…watch your back son.   It was saturday night and I started feeling really bad pain.  By sunday afternoon when I should have been enjoying the Colts kick the shit out of the Jets I was laying on the couch in a ball crying.  And I wasn’t even watching lifetime! I know! So yesterday this was me (gross alert!)

Wisdom Teeth

My surgery was done with lazers and robots. Pretty high tech shit. It was preformed by Robocop and the Terminator.

So I got those monstrosities out, I had even asked politely to have them save my teeth so I could chill with them.  I had two plans for them.  1) see what the tooth fairy would give me for those bad boys.  I was thinking 50.00 US security bond.  2) if that didn’t work out… Yep, necklace.  I was going to convince people I hunt and kill hobos for fun and keep 1 wisdom tooth per victory.  Would have made me the cock of the walk…. Guaranteed.

Now I can only sit and remember when I think they would have looked like.  That oral surgeon screwed me out of a bad ass necklace!

Wisdom Teeth

This chipmunk is a genius! Somebody find me that chipmunk I want to party with him. FYI... well placed smiley face...good work internet chipmunk

No obvious jokes about how unwise these teeth actually are… so juvenile, I am way better than that ….I mean really they grow in sideways? Weak. Moron Teeth more like it!… I couldn’t help myself.  Just like I can’t help myself around pancakes.  Ohh and go to Denny’s they have a new 3 plate breakfast meal.  I don’t know how that is possible/legal….but I am sold.

Out

Enjoy this 10 minutes of incredibleness. 100 “Cheesiest” Movie Lines…I say Best/Awesome/incredible…but you say tomato I say cabbage.

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Awesome Song of The Day #96

Gucci Mane

Dope Boys

(Bird Anderson Remix from the Diplo Free Gucci, best of the Cold War Mixtapes)

give it a good listen…the beat is soooo chilllin and the lyrics are incredible. (like a pigeon in the sky I just shitted in your eye)

As Always…I love you.

CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: THE UNITARD!

Posted in Awesome, blog, clothing, Dork, Humor, Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2010 by tsanda

My last post opened a pandoras box of sorts.  The monkey wearing a unitard.  I got shit tons of comments about that…one… jeeezzz I was shooting for 3.  Ohh well NDB (no big deal for those of you who aren’t hip… AKA my folks.  Love ya mom!)  So this Pandora’s box of sorts, I think everybody who reads my blog… which equals the population of China.  Do the math! Is now wearing the One – Tard.  (unitard for fashionistas) Here is a picture of me enjoying the breeze on a beach in my uni.

Unitard

Enjoying the fresh smell of spring, in my unitard, the world is my oyster.

You’re wondering this question, audibly to yourself, as you read this, naked on the can.  (that sentence has a comma explosion, i never learned where to put those things I figure they are like chocolate chips.  The more the better….)

My 1 Billion Fans – “have you lost your mind? Those look silly and so impractical…I mean when can you wear them? and how do you get them on.”

Me – Mentally back to your brain in response.

“Nope Sister, it serves all purposes under the sun… and I have no idea how to get that shit on. but thats not the point.”

Use:  Your ears are cold and you have to sit awkwardly with spirit fingers.

Answer – Blue full uni.

Blue Unitard

Perfect Solution for your cold ears... plus u still have the dexterity of a cat.

Use: Your a white guy?

Answer: Uno-tard. (spanish)

Unitard

I am enjoying the sound of you eating your words! No uses? It is perfect for that wake or interview you have to go to...

Use: Your not white?

Answer: guess.

Unitard

Big date? Fill in the Blanks _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ... shit... I have no idea how many letters are in unitard do I.

The moral of this story is that if it’s good enough for Freddie Mercury.  It is good enough for you.  You don’t have to worry about your clothes choices clashing. Your wearing stripes and solids after march? Fucking Idiot!  Well no more! + You don’t have to worry about being out of style.  You won’t have to worry about bears.  It really is just splendid to cut down your clothes putting on time by like 10 minutes.  Putting on pants and a shirt is for the fucking birds. Now go out there and show off that package to the world… if not you can borrow my tube sock.

Quote I love – “I can’t see you because I am a parapalegic…where is my paralegal?” – Gucci Mane

Nap time is upon me.

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Awesome Song of the Day #95

The XX

VCR

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SPACE AWESOMENESS: SHOOTING STARS!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Humor, Space with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2010 by tsanda

No, I am not talking about shooting guns at Billy Zane.  But stars don’t get any bigger than that so I can see the confusion.  I’m talking about free wishes! All the fucking time.  A meteor shower happened and now I have the 5 things I have always wanted.

1) A monkey who rides a go-cart in a unitard! TWO COMBINED SUPER WISHES!

2) Dinner once a week with Nick Cage and John Lithgow

3) A brontosaurus

4) Harrier Jump Jet

5) Fig Newtons a – fucking – lot – of them.  Like 47.

Shooting Star

That tree is wishing for a friend or to not be my new cabinet.

Here is how it works.  In the beginning …

Genesis 1:1 God said let there be wishes!

Genesis 1:2 God said let there be fire-y balls of gas that fall into the atmosphere!

Genesis 1:3 Don’t let it hit your house or you be fucked!

The rest is history.  Now I ride my segway to my dolphin farm to play hoops with Dikembe Mutombo.  Wishes are great.  Somebody once said they don’t believe in wishes…you know what that jerk drives? Ford Taurus.  You know what I drive with my “fake”wishes.  Rocket Ship. Or Pirate Boat… if  I am feeling like an adventure.

The moral of this story is next time the “sky is falling” close your eyes and that ice cream chair you’ve been hoping for will be all yours.

Ice Cream Chair

Zhazam! Told you son! Eat it...sit in it? Get kids into your van with it? Nooo. Ewww not that last one.

Just don’t be thinking about an axe in your face when it happens.  That shit would suck… trust me.  My next wish was a new face.  And it’s beautiful.

I see some shooting stars….time to get some new bazookas.

Time Out

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Awesome Song of The Day #94

Tanya Morgan

On Our Way

(dudes can just rap)

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WEAPON AWESOMENESS: CATAPULTS!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, History, Humor, Weapons with tags , , , , , , on January 18, 2010 by tsanda

The ancients were really something special.  They tore your guts out when mad at you.  The burned you alive for maybe just possibly being a witch or just a jerk in general.  You had to walk to the middle east just to get killed violently with sharp stuff for god.  Pretty cool houses though…and by houses I mean castles.  Castles were/are cool because of all the jumping you can do in them.

Jumpy Castle

Dragon + Castle = somebody's gonna need a nap today!

The castle was made to be impregnable, I am pretty sure none of them ever got pregnant … not even once. Although knights certainly tried.  So what are you to do as a marauding army of  English guys with swords?  You can’t scale the walls, hot tar on your face.  You can’t run through it, stone is some tough shit.  You certainly didn’t have stealth bombers quite yet.

Problem Solved. Lets take a bucket and throw giant rocks at it.  Maybe even light that shit on fire.  Catapults are fucking sweet because those idiots in their castle said this exact quote, “ha, you can’t get in…blah blah blah, we are English gentlemen”.  So the other guys, probably also British, I think all knights stuff only happened in british places, plus I don’t like to research, were like maybe we can string some rope…  Put a guy with a horse and sword in it and throw them into the castle to open the door.  So they tried it.  He hit the wall and died.  The horse, yep impaled on something.  Gross… the only other volunteers they could get were rocks.  So they went that route.  Sucks that you spend all this time building a sweet castle and all they other team has to do is throw giant burning rocks from just far enough away and your straight F’ed.

Spoonapult

The Spoonapult ... I use this to attack soup thats hiding in a bread bowl.

Who knew the catapult had so many parts.  After rope and bucket I was lost.  Apparently they have wheels so you can ride one to work.

Catapult

Catapult

I am a big fan of the fact that the easiest part of any of this image to identify are the ropes attaching the various dodads to each other and they have a (?) next to it.  Somehow the artist of this drawing isn’t quite sure what a rope is. But hey he is super jazzed about the wheels so I will let it slide.

End

Awesome Song of The Day #93

Neon Indian

Deadbeat Summer

FURNITURE AWESOMENESS: BEAN BAGS/LOVE SAC!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Food, Furniture, Humor, Music, Science, Stuff with tags , , , , , , , on January 16, 2010 by tsanda

I have been on a food kick lately.  Food is good.  It feeds us, makes us grow big and strong, makes us poop.  Some foods will even put hair on your chest?  Yea somebody once said that to me and I was really confused.  Gorillas must eat so much fucking 5 alarm chili.  Food comforts us and shames us (go eat McDonalds and tell me how you feel about yourself afterwards…probably like this)  But it can also be used to sit on!  Al Einstein once made a math equation to discover a new form of matter.  The bean bag chair.

Simple Linear Progression Model, No big deal, get your TI 83 out!

Beans

Very comfortable ... forms to your back and gently messages your spine.

+ (thats a plus sign in advanced mathematics)

Bag

A lovely bag.

=

The coolest way to chill for people and some cats… but watch your nails mittens we don’t want the bean juice seeping out!

Bean Bag

Hot Girls cannot resist the allure of bean bags in your crib...Visual proof!

But wait… there is more? An even more advanced Scientist than Al Einstein, yep  Bill Nye, discovered an even better way to lay.  It’s called the Love Sac. They are actually comfortable and not filled with a Thanksgiving Dinner side dish.  How do you compete with Bean Bags marketing campaign from above? I thought maybe explosion and sharks jumping through hoops.  But nope, much simpler, what is better than looking a lady in a bean bag…how about laying with said lady?

Love Sac

SOLD! That could possibly be me! or you if you use your imagination.

That marketing doesn’t do it for you?  Okay I got your bag…How about 2 ladies?

Love Sac

2 is more than 1. So my Ti 83 says. Bill Nye is still researching

The chair wars have begun.  I predict a lot of casualties, families will be torn apart during this conflict.  But I already have my allegiances.  Me and Lay Z Boy…we go way back, we been chillin since 88′ He gonna be best man at my wedding. I was his best man when he married the ottoman. Lovely ceremony.  We had it at American Furniture Warehouse.

Done

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Awesome Song of the Day #92

Tanya Morgan

So Damn Down

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