Archive for December, 2009

ACTION FIGURE AWESOMENESS: OLD SCHOOL GI JOE VILLAINS!

Posted in Awesome, Exclamation Points, Humor, memories, Movies, Music, Stuff, Toys with tags , , , , , on December 28, 2009 by tsanda

GI JOE recently came out with a movie, I haven’t brought myself to view it yet.  I am afraid my eyes will fall out.  Or at the very minimum I will vomit all over the kids sitting in front of me.  It will soon be out of DVD ( maybe already is) and by DVD I mean OnDemand because why the shit would I rent it when I could click two buttons not go anywhere to watch it?

COBRA COMMANDER

Exhibit #1 - Still from the Movie, Destro(right) no longer has a metal head...Cobra Commander isn't a snake hybrid rather that kid from Third Rock from the Sun...

THE MOVIE COULD HAVE BEEN 100% BETTER (and remember if I haven’t seen it) if this guy was destro!

Destro

YES! This GUY GETS IT! Exclamation points X 12

The reason kids like GI JOE’s so much was the characters were sooo bad ass.  I mean snake eyes.  Awesome.  A black Ninja who doesn’t talk… just kicks ass.  That will be the only reason I end up renting this train wreck of a movie.

I wanted to grow up to be a GI JOE Villain when I was a wee tot.

Hey Director jerk...this is already perfect

The original creators actually sat down and thought.  “What do little boys like?” … sort of an odd thing to do when you think about it.  They black and yellow robot warriors with detachable hands. Ohh what do those hands do?  Only become claws and missles and  dusters.  Well evil head quarters get dirty too silly!

Cobra BAT

Robots vs Ninjas? Ohh yea GI JOE saw the future... in the past!

I am going to fly my flag at half mast in memory of the glory of GI JOES…  Somebody bring me a flag, then go fly it at half mast.  Then dab my tears.

Crying.

——

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #84

BIRD MONSTER – ALL THE HOLES IN THE WALLS

—–

Advertisements

LIQUOR AWESOMENESS: MOONSHINE!

Posted in Awesome, blog, Humor, Music, Stuff with tags , , , , on December 27, 2009 by tsanda

The holidays always make people drink a lot of booze.  Either all the weird emotions that come from family… or people are just scared of Santa Claus.  I know I opt for meth/crack/speed/acid/weed mixture to cure my hatred/love affair with santa clause.  Emotions are scary.

I actually don’t drink liquor anymore picked one to many fights with cab drivers and floors.  The floors usually won and my liver usually lost.  However! If I can recommend your next black out I would recommend you find a old bearded dude in the woods and drink some of his liquid.

Moonshine

Howdy Folks I'm Mountain Bill! The special ingredient is my urine and snake venom!

Why drink Jack Daniels? It doesn’t come in a jar and can’t strip your engine of excess grease … I drank moonshine because it immediately evaporated all the food in my stomach… Helped me keep my girlish figure.  Can do that for you too.  Is your eyesight a little to 20/20? Drink some moonshine it will lower that significantly with just one sip.  Forget beer goggles, get a pair of moonshine binoculars you can see into the future! Plus you look very distinguished drinking something that was produced in a toilet in jail or in a rednecks bathtub.  At least the red necks bath tub hasn’t been dirtied with them bathing!  ZING! They don’t bathe! get it! Awesome.

Moonshine

If you look closely his head is about to burst into flames ... (also I think he is just in a regular restaurant classy place)

I’m gonna go stir by bath tub gin and drive to the elementary school.  My best customers are calling my name.

Out

—-

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #83

BILLY OCEAN

CARRIBEAN QUEEN

——

HOLIDAY AWESOMENESS: CHRISTMAS!

Posted in Awesome, blog, Children, Holidays, Humor, Music with tags , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2009 by tsanda

Christmas traditions, virgin births and bums that give you stuff.  What a holiday this Xmas is.  So baby Jesus, no he isn’t from south of the border.  Was put into Mary by an angel.  Or thats what mary told Joe, her ole man,  I think that angel was horny for some human lovin.  Angels always say once you go human you never go back.

baby jesus

PSSSTTT... Joseph he looks nothing like you....notice the wings and halo?

So Christmas started as the celebration of Jesus birth.  Okay religious holiday makes sense.  Then the rest of us went…Hey! Jerk faces I want presents too!  So we cut down a tree and dressed an old dude in red and gave him some deer to ride to your chimney.  Honestly a strange old man comes down your chimney and eats your food and then gives you presents.  He also knows what you’ve been doing.  Those are actually called stalkers and they usually don’t get to hang out with kids…

Santa

Hey Kids! Go sit on the fat stangers lap! Tell him what you want and he's gonna laugh and hug you!

Next your gonna tell me that Dead Jesus is gonna get honored with a rabbit.

Out

—-

Awesome Song of the Day #82

Dungeon Family – Trans DF Express

—-

SPACE AWESOMENESS: SOLAR ECLIPSES!

Posted in Awesome, Explosions, Monsters, Music, Space with tags , , , , , on December 15, 2009 by tsanda

I was talking to Karl Malone about space today, it is our Tuesday tradition.  A little tea some peppermint patties and a lot of space talk. Topics of discussion were as follows.

1) space – why it is awesome a power point presentation by Karl Malone

2) space – a look into its soul – an interpretive dance by gloria estifon

3) space – the diarama by: some 4th grade class.  I don’t know any 4th graders but I have a van and a lot of candy.  Done and Done.

IN YOUR FACE SUN THE MOON SAYS SUCK IT!

The moon gets sick of the sun always talking shit and making plants grow and peoples skin tan.  The moon just make shit scary looking and thats when monsters come out.  So sometimes the moon says. “hey! look her sun, stop being a jerk and jocking my style.  It’s time for a little space magic.  Time for you to disappear! Human magicians just make planes and tigers and wallets disappear, pussies.  Except for David Blain he would make the sun disappear and then reappear in a coke bottle at the bottom of the ocean which was just shit out by a dolphin.

No people I am serious the sun disappears! Bill Nye can confirm.  Bill do you confirm – Yes. BOOM POW SURPRISE!

I bet the moon has some agreement with vampires....

Space magic. Yep I made that up.  No you can’t use it.

OUT!

—–

Awesome Song of The Day #81

Neil Diamond – Girl You Will Be A Women Soon

God

Enjoy it over and over and over. And Yes I will be a women soon.

—-

MUSIC AWESOMENESS: BIKE FOR THREE!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, blog, Humor, Music with tags , , , , on December 13, 2009 by tsanda

I felt like today is a very lazy sunday.  Surfing the net for a picture of a monkey riding a giraffe sounded like a lot of work today.  I am in a coffee drinking music listening mood and to answer you question, yes I still looked for that picture and could not find one.  This was the best I could muster.  And by me I mean google images and by muster I do mean mustard the yellow condiment that is incredible on hotdogs.

Ehhh ehhh! Pretty sweet, but once you want a giraffe nothing else really satisfies

So, Bike For Three.  Consists of Buck 65, a canadian indie rapper, and Greetings from Tuskan, a belgium ambient producer.  I had previously never heard of Greetings from Tuskan but her music is awesome and his voice is perfect for this music.  The result is one of my favorite albums in a minute.  No mom, not a literal minute, minute is slang for a long time.  Mom, I know a minute is short but thats the point, its slang.  I know you don’t get it mom thats okay go back to your bridge game.  Yes I would like corn bread with dinner.  Thanks mom.

Here are some songs and links.

http://www.myspace.com/bikeforthree

Rumor has it that Bike for Three! have never met each other.  She sends him the music and he writes and records lyrics and she mixes it.  Pretty cool huh?  I have never met John Stamos but I feel like we would be a good team.  I’m gonna send him some music.

Clocking out.

STUFF AWESOMENESS: PIANO KEY NECK TIE!

Posted in Awesome, blog, clothing, Humor with tags , , , , on December 12, 2009 by tsanda

I have a huge account to close.  I need to sell nuclear bombs to the Libyans, but they are very tough negotiators and they are very professional.  I first showed up wearing a three piece Armani suit with wing tip shoes and some awesome gelled hair and just a hint of blush.  Cause a boy needs to look radiant in these situations.  What happens? They turn me down because I looked like a slob! God Damn Libyans.  But you know what I noticed.  They were all wearing these bad boys.

Nothing says sexy beast / most professional person on Earth like a Piano Key Neck Tie.

I put two and two together, got out my calculator, mashed some keys, cause I am not a human number converter! My hypothesis was confirmed, piano neck ties are the only clothing I am wearing from here on out.  Unfortunately the US is way more uptight than Libya I have been arrested like 8 times this week.  Crazy.  They wouldn’t even let me in the Victoria Fashion Show, Sexism, plain and simple.

They confiscated my tie! Also its really weird to google naked arrested guy...I am on some weird government list now I guarentee it

So I went to the laboratory, put some chemicals together, prayed to my gods and made this masterpiece of modern art and clothing.  All business and leisure needs are solved. One fell swooop.  Thanks Guy (from you) Your welcome people (from me),

Brings tears to the Eye...I dabbed them up with my piano key neck tie.

Call it day!

—–

Awesome Song of the Day #80

Billy Medley and Jennifer Warnes – Time of My Life

—–

DID YOU KNOW AWESOMENESS: SANTA CLAUS!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, Children, Did you know?, Exclamation Points, Holidays, Humor with tags , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by tsanda

DID YOU KNOW SANTA IS NOT REAL?!?!?!?!?!?

santa

You tell anybody I'm not real and I'm gonna fucking kill you!

I WENT TO THE FOOTHILLS FASHION MALL AND SAT ON SANTAS LAP TONIGHT.  I WANTED A SUPER SOAKER OOZENATOR! A PONY AND A MY LITTLE PONY!  I GET UP THERE AND SANTA DIDN’T KNOW IF I WAS NAUGHTY OR NICE!  AND HIS F’ING BEARD FELL OFF!! WHAHHHHH! I CRIED FOR HOURS AND PUNCHED 4 MIDGET ELFS HELPING SANTA!  THEY TURNED OUT TO BE KIDS!   SANTA ISN’T REAL! F-U HOLLYWOOD AND MOM YOU TOLD ME HE WAS REAL!.

NEXT YOU WILL TELL ME THE EASTER BUNNY ISNT…..REAL…..NO!!!!!!

Done

—-

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #79

DEAD MAN’S BONES

Little back story – Ryan Gosling the actor, who kicks ass by the way, is in a band with a childhood buddy, and they used a children’s choir for backup vocals.  It is awesome.  Also see this movies! Half Nelson.

—-