ACTION FIGURE AWESOMENESS: OLD SCHOOL GI JOE VILLAINS!

GI JOE recently came out with a movie, I haven’t brought myself to view it yet.  I am afraid my eyes will fall out.  Or at the very minimum I will vomit all over the kids sitting in front of me.  It will soon be out of DVD ( maybe already is) and by DVD I mean OnDemand because why the shit would I rent it when I could click two buttons not go anywhere to watch it?

Exhibit #1 - Still from the Movie, Destro(right) no longer has a metal head...Cobra Commander isn't a snake hybrid rather that kid from Third Rock from the Sun...

THE MOVIE COULD HAVE BEEN 100% BETTER (and remember if I haven’t seen it) if this guy was destro!

YES! This GUY GETS IT! Exclamation points X 12

The reason kids like GI JOE’s so much was the characters were sooo bad ass.  I mean snake eyes.  Awesome.  A black Ninja who doesn’t talk… just kicks ass.  That will be the only reason I end up renting this train wreck of a movie.

I wanted to grow up to be a GI JOE Villain when I was a wee tot.

Hey Director jerk...this is already perfect

The original creators actually sat down and thought.  “What do little boys like?” … sort of an odd thing to do when you think about it.  They black and yellow robot warriors with detachable hands. Ohh what do those hands do?  Only become claws and missles and  dusters.  Well evil head quarters get dirty too silly!

Robots vs Ninjas? Ohh yea GI JOE saw the future... in the past!

I am going to fly my flag at half mast in memory of the glory of GI JOES…  Somebody bring me a flag, then go fly it at half mast.  Then dab my tears.

Crying.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #84

BIRD MONSTER – ALL THE HOLES IN THE WALLS

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LIQUOR AWESOMENESS: MOONSHINE!

The holidays always make people drink a lot of booze.  Either all the weird emotions that come from family… or people are just scared of Santa Claus.  I know I opt for meth/crack/speed/acid/weed mixture to cure my hatred/love affair with santa clause.  Emotions are scary.

I actually don’t drink liquor anymore picked one to many fights with cab drivers and floors.  The floors usually won and my liver usually lost.  However! If I can recommend your next black out I would recommend you find a old bearded dude in the woods and drink some of his liquid.

Howdy Folks I'm Mountain Bill! The special ingredient is my urine and snake venom!

Why drink Jack Daniels? It doesn’t come in a jar and can’t strip your engine of excess grease … I drank moonshine because it immediately evaporated all the food in my stomach… Helped me keep my girlish figure.  Can do that for you too.  Is your eyesight a little to 20/20? Drink some moonshine it will lower that significantly with just one sip.  Forget beer goggles, get a pair of moonshine binoculars you can see into the future! Plus you look very distinguished drinking something that was produced in a toilet in jail or in a rednecks bathtub.  At least the red necks bath tub hasn’t been dirtied with them bathing!  ZING! They don’t bathe! get it! Awesome.

If you look closely his head is about to burst into flames ... (also I think he is just in a regular restaurant classy place)

I’m gonna go stir by bath tub gin and drive to the elementary school.  My best customers are calling my name.

Out

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #83

BILLY OCEAN

CARRIBEAN QUEEN

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HOLIDAY AWESOMENESS: CHRISTMAS!

Christmas traditions, virgin births and bums that give you stuff.  What a holiday this Xmas is.  So baby Jesus, no he isn’t from south of the border.  Was put into Mary by an angel.  Or thats what mary told Joe, her ole man,  I think that angel was horny for some human lovin.  Angels always say once you go human you never go back.

PSSSTTT... Joseph he looks nothing like you....notice the wings and halo?

So Christmas started as the celebration of Jesus birth.  Okay religious holiday makes sense.  Then the rest of us went…Hey! Jerk faces I want presents too!  So we cut down a tree and dressed an old dude in red and gave him some deer to ride to your chimney.  Honestly a strange old man comes down your chimney and eats your food and then gives you presents.  He also knows what you’ve been doing.  Those are actually called stalkers and they usually don’t get to hang out with kids…

Hey Kids! Go sit on the fat stangers lap! Tell him what you want and he's gonna laugh and hug you!

Next your gonna tell me that Dead Jesus is gonna get honored with a rabbit.

Out

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Awesome Song of the Day #82

Dungeon Family – Trans DF Express

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