Archive for November, 2009

FISHING AWESOMENESS: NOODLING!

Posted in Animals, Humor, Nature with tags , , , , , , on November 30, 2009 by tsanda

I fucking love catfish.  I want nothing more than to only eat catfish.  They eat mud and humans.  They have giant whiskers and somehow are not related to cats… I am almost 143% sure that they are from space or hell.  I think they scream when you look at them.  So what do I do? I stick my arms down their mouths.  In an attempt to catch them? Huh?

 

Noodling for catfish

Catfish are smarter then hillbillies. Catfish are actually catching humans with noodling.

I first heard about noodling where all good humans hear about stupid shit that shouldn’t exist but does, the internet.  Apparently, hill billies don’t believe in fishing poles, dynamite, laser guns or hypnotization,which is the only way to hunt in my book.  So they take their clothes off, because you don’t want to dirty your coveralls in a muddy crick. You lay on your stomach and crawl on your hands until you stick your arm in a giant catfishes mouth.  Then the battle starts.  Because people actually die doing this shit.  These things can weigh up to 300 pounds.  Huh, bad idea when you get that one.

 

Noodling

Gus playing river fort with uncle billy? nope Gus fishing...with uncle billy / or waiting for city boy canoeurs to happen by..ewww

Sooo the next time you go bear hunting … do this

1. find a cave, make sure osama bin laden is not in there he won’t bite your arm

2. crawl on the ground

3. put it in a bears mouth

4. see heaven finally!

see ya!

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Awesome song of the Day# 76

The Living Legends – Nothing Less

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MOVIE AWESOMENESS: DEMOLITION MAN!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, blog, Humor, Movies, The Future! with tags , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by tsanda

There are so many good movies in the universe.  They usually star people named simon phoenix and john spartan.  One of them will usually have a beret and the other just might have yellow hair with geometric shapes for edges.  Only if we are lucky…?

Forget lines in your head how do I get that hair cut? Or a beret. Beggers can't be choosers.

Why do people say beggers can’t be choosers? That’s rat shit in my book.

ME: “Hey Begger eat this turd sandwich!”

Begger: “Uhhhh nope”

ME: “WHAAA? Beggers can’t be choosers, bitch”

Begger: “Hey jerkface … I am not eaing a turd…”

ME: ” I guess they can choose, well, jokes on you cause im gonna eat it ! ahh that was a horrible idea!”

So, D-Man is set in the future, in a magical place called San Angeles, which according to Wiki, is a combination of San Diego, Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. Shouldn’t it be called San Barngeles? Ban Sangerara? San Angeles it is! Here, there is no crime, only Dennis Leary hanging out underground getting ready to rob Taco Bell.  Simon Phoenix, Wesley Snipes in real life, is trying to avoid paying taxes so he gets frozen for 40 years.  He then unfreezes to kill edgar friendly (leary…  c’mon snipes he just wants a cheesy gordita crunch!)

John Spartan and that lovely lady from Speed have some weird cyber sex, they sing the jolly green giant song, Spartan beats up some hobo’s trying to eat tacos, they visit the hall of violence (why the smithsonian doesn’t have that I will never know).  This flick also asks the most important question of our generation? Where is the beef? Nope, …  Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country? Nope! …

YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE THREE SEASHELLS!?!?

 

seashells

YOU STICK THEM UP YOUR BUTT! .... duh!

Moral of this story is this movie rocks.

End

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY # 75

White Rabbits – Percussion Gun

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HOLIDAY AWESOMENESS: THANKSGIVING!

Posted in Awesome, blog, Holidays, Humor, Music, Stuff with tags , , , , , on November 25, 2009 by tsanda

Thanksgiving.  Turkey’s get food stuffed up their butt and then get cooked… I didn’t make that up, we actually do that.

 

"hey science, find a way to put food up this birds ass... why don't you just use your hand? by god science your good"

 

 

At christmas we don’t shove mashed potatoes up a ducks ass, however that sounds wonderful.  How did we come to this putting food up other foods poopers and how can we do more of it.  I think mac and cheese up a cows ass would probably be like the 2nd coming of jesus.  Hey, religious types thats not blasphemous! Jesus has the blue box blues.

The story of thanksgiving white people sucked at trying to survive and native americans were really good at making turkeys and cranberry sauce.  The pilgrims introduced the natives to the detroit lions and some inflatable things in the air and the rest was history.

Things I am thankful for:

Explosions, godzilla, Marisa miller, space and hover shoes.  Although not invented yet, I am working away with Bill Nye to get those real.

Enjoy your turkey, I know sesame street will :

 

What the hell is cookie monster going to eat?

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Don’t forget to give thanks for me.  I am giving thanks for you right now!  More after the holiday!

stuffed!

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Awesome Song of The Day #74

LIVE – SELLING THE DRAMA

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NATURE AWESOMENESS: ACID RAIN!

Posted in Awesome, blog, Humor, Nature, weather with tags , , , , , , , on November 23, 2009 by tsanda

Hey pyscho…acid rain isn’t cool! But….It is kind of a toss up.  On the one hand we are killing rivers and trees and my aunt ethel. True, those are all horrible horrible things.  On the other hand it has the power to make statutes scream in acidy pain.  Which I only thought Professor X from The X Men could do.

 

Statue baby is hating life ... and why? Acid Rain. Nature is so badass.

You have to look at nature like a badass, pissed off neighbor.  He has to live next to annoying humans who won’t stop putting junk and space craft into his yard (the sky if you don’t get my image laden imagery).  So he makes acid fall from the sky.  Don’t get me started on Acid Guy from Robocop either, because soon we will all look like that guy, yes … I am sorta hoping for that.

You don’t understand.  Let Science picture explain.

 

Acid Rain

Blah Blah Blah Science blah blah.... melting buildings? I'm sold.

I don’t see the big deal, nobody lives in nature anymore? That city looks A-Okay! Nice, We are good.

 

What I really want is an acid rain movie.  Probably be made by that 2012 guy.  Where people are melting and screaming in the streets while acid melts their faces.  Somebody would run outside with an umbrella to save their baby… who for whatever reason is hiding under a car.  The umbrella is slowly melting and acid dripping down on them.  It is just awesome.  Then Godzilla comes and eats New York and it will end.  I have no idea why I don’t run hollywood.  Did you know that when you spell check Godzilla you get goodwill? makes sense to me, because there is a little godzilla in all of us.  Yes, I have used that reference before…. and I will use it again.

Crap my car is melting… It is raining.

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Awesome Song of the Day #73

Interpol – Slow Hands

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FOOD AWESOMENESS: MAC AND CHEESE!

Posted in Awesome, blog, Food, happiness :), memories, Music with tags , , , , , , on November 22, 2009 by tsanda

When I get hungry I usually call subway and ask them to deliver me some mac and cheese.  There is usually a pause, I can hear them say, that asshole is calling about mac and cheese again…then they hang up on me.

Mac and Cheese

Have you ever filled your bath tub with Mac and Cheese? It is wonderful. And delicious.

After they don’t make me mac and cheese and deliver to me and spoon feed it to me,  I just go to taco bell and drown my tears in a CGC (Cheesy Gordita Crunch, duh) Maybe wash down that sorrow with some Wild Cherry Pepsi.  Wild Cherry? As apposed to tamed? Do they have a Cherry whisperer?  If so

Dear Taco Bell,

Give me that Job,

Love, Me

XOXOXO

P.S. Can you put a Taco Bell franchise in my bathroom? 2 reasons, 1) I don’t have to leave my house to get diarrhea and then I am already in my bathroom.  Win Win Win, except for the guy who then has to work in my bathroom…or girl I would be equal opportunity employer.

I am not sure how or why or who discovered Mac and Cheese, I heard it was Christopher Columbus but others have told me it was Einstein, doesn’t matter whoever it was should win some sort of award.  Peabody or Golden Globe would suffice.  It is so cheesy and warm and filling and just makes me feel loved.  I just lay in bed and get whipped by a dominatrix and she throws mac and cheese in my face…just a normal saturday night at my house.  Kids know what is up when it comes to food.  If something is good enough that all kids like it, it is probably pretty freeeeeeaaaaakin neat, and kids are usually shit heads about everything.

 

Mac and Cheese

No wonder kids like it! Mascots, kids are so dumb.

 

 

The only downside to constantly eating mac and cheese? … the orange solid material that is in all my veins where my blood is supposed to be is kinda weird.  But I digress it’s fucking awesome.

Im Full

Awesome Song of The Day #72

BONOBO – TERRAPIN

No Video But So Worth It

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FOOD AWESOMENESS: POPSICLES!

Posted in Awesome, blog, Food, happiness :), Humor, memories with tags , , , , , , , on November 15, 2009 by tsanda

At first when I learned the wonders of the english language I had no idea how popsicles could be a word.  How could Meriam Webster be crazy enough to combine those things?  On one hand we have: The picture on the left, gross old guy.  On the other hand the picture on the right…Killing/Farming tool.

iggy-pop

Iggy pop does not make me want to put something into my mouth...

 

sickle

Come to think of it...this doesn't really make me want to put something in my mouth either... other than sharp rusty metal.

 

 

 

 

 

So when my mother, lovely lady she is, asked baby me.  Hey baby get your finger out of your nose and eat this popsicle.  Look of shear tear came over my face… I cried and said I don’t wanna put iggy pop holding a sickle into my mouth! WAHHHH!!!!! (a lot of crying ensued, then I got tired and napped)

Isn’t it weird that little kids love napping on carpet squares?  I mean holy shit.  You want to lay in a bed or on the couch they are basically like clouds but on the ground and you won’t fall through and die..

Little Kid – nope I’m good with a square of 1/4″ thin material that is actually kinda itchy.

Parent…  weird… whatever.

Sooooo. My mother went to the freezer, again my mind was blown, actually fucking blown.  How is iggy hanging out in my freezer?  And he better not be eating my mini pizzas.  That dick looks like he would eat my food in a heartbeat.  So she pulled out a box and opened a creamsicle.

 

monkey-popsicle

This picture best describe who I am as a person ... a monkey ...

 

 

Ahhhhh sicle not sickle! Dumb me!  And Pop… like???? Yea that part still doesn’t make sense.  But whooo! It was wondrous, then my brain froze and I cried again, boy ohhh boy was I a baby.

Popsicles are good!  I just feel bad for the people who didn’t know the translation and actually put Iggy Pop in your mouth… you might want to Brush them teeth.

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Awesome Song of the Day #71 (more el ten eleven)

El Ten Eleven – Sorry About Your Irony

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TV THEME SONG AWESOMENESS: FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, Awesomeness, blog, happiness :), Humor, memories, The 90's with tags , , , , , , , on November 13, 2009 by tsanda

Never has a time in my life been as important as the years of 1990 to 1996.  Those glorious years took me on a trip.  I was told, once a week, maybe twice during sweeps about a time when a young man from Philly got in trouble with his mom.

Good night sweet prince, good night.  Damn you Will Smith for being so damn charming!

DAMN YOU WILL SMITH SO DAMN CHARMING! Alfred ain't bad either

He was just hanging out playing some basketball and using blue spray paint as deodorant.   But here unfortunately there were a couple of guys, they were wearing a lot of black, and had chains on and were standing by a boom box punching fists into their palms, believe you me that usually means biznas.  I was told that these guys were just up to nothing good.  They picked our hero up over their head and spun him around.   Oh I am sure he had a tummy ache.  So what happens next you ask? His mom shook her finger and said, You are going to live with your rich Aunt and Uncle in California, USA.  He you will learn to be materialistic and snobby.  Nice.

fresh prince of bel air

Yep, this is a free Wall Paper you can attain online. Just don't have you computer on next to mine.

So then he gets out of the cab, tells the cabby that the cabby smells, classic.  Then skips to the door knocks and spins his head around in anticipation of the antics him a Carlton will get into.  Such as this.  My favorite child hood memory.

Fade out to Jazzy Jeff getting thrown out of the house.  When I have a family I will force them to be exactly like the Bank’s.  Does somebody want to get thrown out of my house daily?

Who would win in a fight? The Tanners or the Banks? I’ll tell you.  All of us.

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Awesome Song of The Day # 70

Annie Lennox – Why (yes, yes I am serious, you honestly don’t turn this up to 11 in your car when you are alone and the windows are up?, yeah thought so…)

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