ANIMAL AWESOMENESS: SABERTOOTH TIGERS!

Cats are awesome.  I know there are a lot of cat haters in the world.  I am not one.  I love kitties… (distant asshole voice yells, “why”).  Fair enough I will answer that question with another question.  Why arn’t cats awesome….?

I win debate club again.  Suck. It.

Plus you have to determine the radness of something by what it evolved from.  Birds = awesome, kids of velociraptors.  Humans = awesome, used to be monkeys.  Cats = awesome, yep sabertooth tigers.  Now take an animals that does what ever it wants to all day and give it giant fangs.  Fangs that are so awesome they were named after swords.

Ummmm yea... It is a deadly fast murderous walrus.

Here is the day of a Sabertooth Tiger.  Wake. Murder a Giraffe or T-Rex.  Eat it.  Nap for 18 hours.  Wake, tongue bath + some purring.  Killing resumes with a great white shark followed by a quick purrr sesh then another nap.  Everyday filled with bloody animal carcasses; fuck it’s friday today they would have eaten a hippopotamus or orange julius.

Did you know a Sabertooth has a sweet tooth? For your fucking skull. Science Proven!

Wonder what my tramp stamp is? Not anymore!

If I have do die.  Please let a Sabertooth Tiger eat my brains through my eye sockets…please.  Best funeral ever!

Oprah – “It’s so sad…how did he die?”

Bill Nye The Science Guy – ” Sabertooth ate his head”

Oprah – “Radical” —— Jump high five with Bill Nye.

I can dream can’t I…I can dream.

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Awesome Song of The Day # 62

Shout Out Louds – Tonight I Have to Leave

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NATURE AWESOMENESS: VEGETARIAN SPIDERS

QUICK PUNCH TO YOUR FACE FROM REALITY! THIS SPIDER IS ADORABLE AND WON’T EAT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! (unless your a plant then your fucked)

http://fhsukams.wordpress.com/2009/10/13/first-vegetarian-spider-discovered/

WEAPON AWESOMENESS: BOOMERANGS!

Sorry to disappoint  all of you internet surfers who were looking for a commentary on the 80’s movie starring Eddie Murphy!  I’ve sadly never seen it, as it doesn’t fit my criteria for wanting to watch movies… Predators.  Ohhhh yea I am not shameless at all … link to my own genius…what now Oprah!  My only goal in life is to get Oprah as a regular reader.

Boomerangs seem  so practical … I can’t figure out why people who use spears don’t use boomerangs

Guy : Here throw this spear at that antelope / or ant eater which ever you prefer

Other Guy : I prefer the ant eater… and I hate spears if I miss what happens?

Guy : UHHHHHHHH (STUPID LOOK ON HIS FACE)

Other Guy: Yea thought so… unnecessary walking.  I need a weapon that comes back to me when I miss, and then when our culture becomes obsolete we can sell them to American tourists who will then throw them once and give up because its hard and then put it in a closet some where…

I mean look who uses them! Only the best and brightest

This kid, with just a boomerang, saves Australia from a bunch of gay dudes driving dune buggies...

I figure we incorporate this same technology into other weapons.  If my uzi doesn’t kill all the crips I am trying to explode then i want all those bullets back for another drive by.  Bullets come back…slide into the barrel and back into the clip… ready for drive by #2.  I am gonna win the Nobel Violence Award for that invention.  Just you watch.

I just think boomerangs need a new spokesperson to get the word out there that boomerangs are all the rage with teenagers and such.  Like this guy…I bet he loves teenage boys!

Now put that picture in Maxim....cha ching... 4 billion boomerangs sold. Done

Im done talking for the day… I hope you are done learning for the day.

Note : Don’t throw boomerangs at the sun.  They will start on fire.  And you will lose your toy.  FU SUN!

outs

Awesome Song of the Day #61

Ladyhawke – Magic

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