Archive for May, 2009

FAMILY AWESOMENESS: MOVIE FAMILIES!

Posted in Awesome, Dork, Humor, Monsters, Movies with tags , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by tsanda

Movie families? Yep, not the gay ones, aka the Adams Family, but the ones that have a sweet non-human member.  Could you imagine as a kid that you have two parents, a sister and a giant Bigfoot for a brother?  He could fight off bullies, lift cars over his head and probably do your math homework for you. Probably…

 

Okay, I also with John Lithgow was in my family.

Okay, I also with John Lithgow was in my family.

Man ohhh man, it would be sweet.  The only family disputes you would have would revolve around all the shedding your new family member does and the fact that he eats all your food and occasionally tries to eat your cat.

 

Thats okay nobody likes cats anyways.

Thats okay nobody likes cats anyways.

Alot of the time they would only do what you wanted them to do.  Cause they are dumber than you or just programmed that way.  You can have them bring you cakes, or blow out candles , or dance with you or just plain get you a beer. Rocky Balboa certainly knows how to give a birthday present.

 

Happy Birthday Paulie! They unfortunetly never took a family portrait for Rocky IV

Happy Birthday Paulie! They unfortunetly never took a family portrait for Rocky IV

So the moral of this story is that we all need to add some sort of creature/robot/monster/alien to our household. In the end it will bring us all closer together and help us find the true meaning of family, and I always wanted a werewolf for a brother. 

Out.

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Awesome Song of The Day #38

Eddie Murphy – Party all the Time

(If you haven’t heard this do yourself a favor)

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FOOD AWESOMENESS: KETCHUP!

Posted in Awesome, Dork, Food, Humor, Music with tags , , , , on May 26, 2009 by tsanda

What is the best thing on the planet to eat on other stuff? Let this list of ingredients help you; tomato concentrate, corn syrup (or other surgar),vinegar, salt, spice and herb extracts (including celery), spice and garlic powder.  Now, I don’t know about the celery, sounds like wikipedia is full of shit on that one.  But the rest of those things all mix together and form a taste sensation / explosion / volcano / supernova / apocalypse of red semi thick topping, dip or condiment. 

 

Forget the NBA playoffs, ketchup is where amazing happens.

Forget the NBA playoffs, ketchup is where amazing happens.

Now if your like me you probably just tried to rub some french fries on the screen. Sorry about that.  Now Ketchup, most people think hotdogs and burgers and you would be very very right.  But guess what Breakfast was made for ketchup.  Hashbrowns, eggs and sausage all dream about ketchup at night and I oblige them every morning with the proper burial they deserve….a ketchup burial.  Note to world, when I die, cremate me, put me in a bottle of Ketchup, then put me in a cannon and shoot me over the grand canyon.  No real reason why the grand canyon just sounded pretty damn epic.  I want a ketchup phone. 

 

Yea you thought I made that shit up!

Yea you thought I made that shit up!

All this ketchup talk is making me hungry.  You need to see the movie Cobra starring Sly Stallone, the girl he is protecting drowns her fries in Ketchup.  Perfect.

I am going to open some ketchup packets directly into my mouth and probably just take a bath in some.

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Awesome Song of The Day # 37

Aesop Rock – “None Shall Pass”

Artwork by Jeremy Fish who is incredible.

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PLUSH AWESOMENESS: MODERN STUFFED ANIMALS!

Posted in Awesome, Children, Dork, Humor, memories, Monsters, Music, Stuff with tags , , , , , on May 19, 2009 by tsanda

Stuffed animals were a favorite part of many kids childhood.  If they weren’t part of yours then I am sorry, you were probably raised in a cult or some sort of communist commune.  You could get stuffed animals in so many varieties and they liked to hang out with you and keep monsters away at night…..ohhhh so i’ve been told…..

But recently I have a noticed that there are a ton of awesome new stuffed animals and plush toys.  They really aren’t for kids but neither is this blog so it works perfectly.  Here is a great learning tool for kids though. 

 

Learn all your fun diseases in adorable plush toy form.

Learn all your fun diseases in adorable plush toy form.

They are all modeled after a form of bacteria, virus or microbe.  Here is a list of some of the fun creatures involved.

  • Heartworm (Dirofilaria immitis)!
  • Salmonella (Salmonella typhimurium)
  • The Plague – black death (Yersinia pestis)
  • Mad Cow Disease(Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy)
  • E. Coli(Escherichia coli

Man and to think that I was raised my whole childhood without a HIV or Streptococcus plush toy to hold while in bed.  If you want your kid to grow up to be doctor buy them these toys.  They will be able to ace their med school because they will already know these bacteria and such from their childhoods.  Nurse,”Doctor, What is this disease this man only has 3 seconds to live”  Doc “Calm down nurse, this is Salmonella I remembered from my childhood, I had the cutest stuffed salmonella in my room” , Nurse “thanks doc but your speech to took to long and he died”, Doc “rats”

They are not all just for educational use some are just cute as hell for the reason of being cute as hell.

 

GRRRRRRRR!

GRRRRRRRR!

That thing is awesome, if I ever decide to get an imaginary friend I am going to enlist this dude for the job.

End

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Awesome Song of the Day #36

Alamo Race Track – The Northern Territory

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FUCKING FINALLY AWESOMENESS: SNAKE/SCORPION/LIZARD WHISKY!

Posted in Awesome, Humor, Music, Nature with tags , , , , , , , on May 18, 2009 by tsanda

I have been so sick of only having the choice to drink 1 booze with a once living creature living in it.  Tequila is so boring and worms are lame. It’s about time that after I am done binge drinking a bottle of blindness inducing mexican alcohol that I can collect all the creatures they stick in there.  Well, my prayers are answered…Thanks God! You Rock!

 

OHHHHH NEAT! Dead Snakes and Scorpions... in my drink...thanks...

OHHHHH NEAT! Dead Snakes and Scorpions... in my drink...thanks...

The creator of these genius product has created a fun game to along with drinking.  Rare collectables, collect the whole set.  The double pack that have scorpions AND snakes is the best.  Their respective venoms seep into your drink and form together like Voltron and only give you seizures for 5 – 10 minutes, after that gonna have such a good night!  It is like absinthe but instead of hallucinations it slowly shuts down your nervous system and kills you! Give me another shot you pussy!

Snakes? scorpions, is that all you have???? WAIT THERES MORE! 

 

GIANT LIZARDS and Scorpions in little baby bottles...for the kids.

GIANT LIZARDS and Scorpions in little baby bottles...for the kids.

The real excitement is that the next company is going to take this trend and run with it even more.  So first it was worms in tequila, then it was snakes and scorpions in whiskey.  Soon we will have grizzly bears in vodka and great white sharks in a beer keg.  The sky really is the limit.  Do you think the Star Wars universe has a booze bottle with a Rancor in it?  I certainly hope so.  

I am going to go trap a mountain lion and put it in some bath tub gin.  Who wants a shot?!?!? 

Bottoms up!  (just watch out for the Koala in the Mint Julep they get a little soggy….)

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Awesome Song of the Day #35

Barr – “The Song Is Simple”

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TECHNOLOGY AWESOMENESS: THE HOVERCRAFT!

Posted in Awesome, Dork, Humor, Music, Science, Technology with tags , , , , , , on May 12, 2009 by tsanda

Ever get sick of driving around on wheels?  Ever get sick of boating on water? Ever get sick of riding horse legs? Yes on 1-3.  Our modern ways of transportation are so ineffective and boring. I mean isn’t their some way we can get from A to B in some serious style while barley not touching the ground?  The answer is a resounding yes.  The Hovercraft.

 

Hovercraft says Fuck you Suckas

Hovercraft says "Fuck you Suckas"

Remember when Jackie Chan was run over by a hovercraft in Ruble in the Bronx? Yeah me too, that was awesome. 

You can hover these “crafts” over nearly anything.  Water… probably, Dirt… most likely, Lava… absolutely not don’t be silly.

Hovercrafts are almost too confusing and scientific to describe how they work.  There are entire episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy on decoding the mystery of hovercrafts.  It has something to do air being pushed down under something else causing a space to be created that other thing hovers on…Wait a minute.  That isn’t confusing at all! Thanks this picture!

 

Somebody send this picture to Bill Nye! Hovercrafts wear skirts?

Somebody send this picture to Bill Nye! Hovercrafts wear skirts?

So another 5 minutes spent on this blog and another mystery of the universe unlocked.  Man o’ Man I deserve the Pulitzer Prize wrapped in a Nobel Peace Prize welded to an Oscar.  I will let the science and film academies work on that.  I ‘ll be waiting here with Bill Nye.  We are going to make a volcano!

Quiz – What do hovercrafts hover over? Definitely no Lava!

Lesson Over

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Awesome Song of the Day #34

Deastro – “the Shaded Forests”

Basketball Awesomeness: Lebron James

Posted in Awesome, Basketball, Humor, Music, Sports with tags , , , , on May 11, 2009 by tsanda

If you don’t by now you will never know.  When it is all said and done Lebron James will be remembered as the best basketball player ever.  Haters start becoming agitated that anybody would say that.  Well, fuck off…how about that?  Being massive Denver Nugget supporters it only pains us slightly to say “Lebron James is the Best”.  Melo is the man but only top #10.  Dwayne Wade can carry a game at any time but he doesn’t carry every game.  Kobe is Kobe, he is dirty (in the baller way… well … and the dirty elbow people in the throat way too).  But nobody can guard, stop or even slow down Lebron James.  He doesn’t miss shots because he took a bad shot; he only lets the other team have a little chance to stay in the game.  If you haven’t watched the playoffs then you have missing his incredible acumen (yeaaaaa nice word son!) for playing basketball.  At least 10 times a game, repeat… at least 10 a game, he does something that you must tivo and watch at least one more time.  

 

The rest of the teams are playing in his league.

The rest of the teams are playing in his league.

Here is a sample of what a normal day looks like for Lebron James.  

6 am – Wake up

7 am – Make 300 three pointers in a row

7:15 am – Hunt a deer.

8:00 am – Cook said deer and make some eggs with a glass of milk.  Sometimes Orange Juice.

9:00 am – Run to practice which is 27 miles away.

9:15 – Get to practice / Stretch.

10:00 am – Make 300 more three pointers.

10:15 am – Walk on Water 

11:00 am – Nap time.

12:00 – Lunch Time – A sandwich.

1:00 pm – Build an entire house for Habitat for Humanity

2:00 pm – Attend a Peace Conference in the Mid East and broker a peace deal between Isreal and Palastine

3:00 pm – Read to blind children while making 300 more three pointers, this time they are underhand.

4:00 pm – Get ready for the game

5:00 pm – Break dance for awhile

6:00 pm – Score 35 Rebound 15 and Assist 9 (off night)

10:00 pm – Run Home

10:15 pm – Paint a portrait of his mother saving a bus from a group of bears. (yea, I actually want that painting also)

11:00 sleep

And that was just monday.

For those who truthfully don’t know – Enjoy this.

Lebron’s best moments of 09′

MVP at 24…Nuff Said.

 

Please don’t go to the Knicks…PLEASE!

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Awesome Song of the Day # 33

Wale – Artistic Integrity (yep more Wale…cause he is the truth)

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: CRITTERS!

Posted in Aliens, Humor, memories, Monsters, Movies, Music with tags , , , , on May 5, 2009 by tsanda

Critters came out in 1986 to positive reviews and two thumbs up by Siskel and Ebert, although they gave everything two thumbs up so I am not sure that tag really holds any weight, maybe in the 80’s if it was two thumbs up from Ronald Reagan and The Ultimate Warrior it would be a lot cooler. Supposedly came out to cash in on the Gremlins popularity even though Critters was written a long before Gremlins came out.  Both are awesome too so why can’t we all just get along.  The basic premise is a ship full of escaped prisoner aliens travels through space to avoid bounty hunters.  So far so good.  They crash land on earth and all they want to do is eat humans and get big and strong.  And Billy Zane is not only in it but he dies! What is not to love.

 

Your everyday farm family and two faceless bounty hunters

Your everyday farm family and two faceless bounty hunters

So the aliens, the Crits, land.  Eat some people and some cows too.  Nobody really knows about it just yet cause they are hiding under cars and in barns.  They eat a police officer and attack billy zane. Those aliens must not have liked Sniper.  The bounty hunters come and must choose faces, cause they are obviously faceless,  so Terrence Mann chooses the rocker Johnny Steal.  His feathered bangs are ready to kick alien ass.  One of the aliens eats a lot of people and cows and because the size of a human.  The daughter is kidnapped by the aliens for a space snack but the family teams up with the bounty hunters and the daughter and the Earth and are saved.  Minus 1 Billy Zane.  Moment of silence. 

Some of the Spaceship graphics/props are really cheesy. But the creature effects are awesome.  The Critters look great and may not move great cause they are just puppets but I will take puppets over CGI any day of the week.

 

Hungry Mutha Fuckers eating my picnic!

Hungry Mutha Fuckers Eating My Picnic!

To top it off these little hand help puppet aliens are funny as hell.  All they do is destroy stuff, eat people and throw around the f-word.  Best part of the movie? Easy, when one of the critters tries to talk to the ET doll and ends up eating it because it won’t talk back…fucking ET had it coming.

 

ET in the Left Corner, Critter in the Right Corner.  Critter easy winner.

ET in the Left Corner, Critter in the Right Corner. Critter easy winner.

 

 

Thanks Critters.  Just don’t make them like this anymore.

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Awesome song of the Day #32

Xzibit – “Paparazzi” 

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