MOVIE AWESOMENESS: BLOODSPORT!

KUMITE, the deadliest of all martial arts competitions.  Full Contact, no rules, all awesome.  It stars future Blockbuster Attraction Jean-Claude Van Damme, or the newly minted JCVD for short.  It tells the lovely story of Frank Dux, the first Westerner to win the Kumite.  Sorry Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee; best martial artist ever is a white boy.  Now there are some controversies that Frank Dux made this up and that the Kumite doesn’t actually exist.  I say pisshhhhhh, ive seen it with my own eyes…and JCVD WINS!

 

PUT UP YOUR DUX!

ACT 1

Now it starts off with Belgium’s national treasure as a weird kid wearing a New York Giants jersey and a San Francisco Giants Hat.  Him and some no good yuppies try to steal a samurai sword from Senzo Tanaka.  Apparently the local Samurai master.  His son does a nice body kick and poor frankie goes down.  Now we get a great training sequence when young Frank is getting accosted by young Tanaka.  Then young Tanaka dies…tears flow, Senzo won’t teach anymore because it was past father to son…father to son.  Frank Dux isn’t his son so logic says I can’t train you… Plus he is white, which doesn’t make sense for a samurai.  Frank convinces him by just saying TEEEEEEEECHHHHH ME.  

 

TEEEEEEEECH ME, NEVER LIMIT YOURSELF TO JUST ONE STYLE! IM BELGIAN!

 

 

So he trains the shit out of Frank, Frank catches a fish, gets hit with some poles, serves some tea blindfolded and does the splits on some weird erotica machine.  

ACT 2

Now Frank outwits the US military. Goes to Hong Kong…meets big dude from Revenge of the Nerds.  They play some video games. Frank wins of course… cause he is unstoppable.  They meet their guide, Frank crushes some bricks with his mind…and arms.  They beat up a bunch of people and Frank stops an Arab from raping a white girl.  George Bush would be so proud.

Now it gets real…Chong Li (played by a 50 year old Bolo Young, who is a terrifying human) kicks the shit out of Revenge of the Nerds.  Steals his bandana and does s Jig.  Now its go time.  Frank vs Li. The Championship.  For all the marbles.  The kumite is fought for marbles, weak I know. 

Frank is whopping ass.  Until Cheater MCcheaterton Chong Li (can you cheat in a no rules competition (also why is there a referee in a full contact competition)) throws dirt or cocaine or dust in the eyes of our hero.  Best movie yell ever proceeds.

 

Why isn't Chong Li kicking me in the face while I yell!?!?!?

He remembers he can catch fish and serve tea blindfolded. So he whoops ass again.  Makes fucking Li say MATE! Ma te! Its like saying uncle. USA USA USA USA! DON’T FUCK THE USA!

Then girl he saved gives him a fist in palm head nood for respect.  He airplanes to America and stars in Sudden Death.  The End.

END!

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Awesome Song of The Day #16

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES AWESOMENESS: THE MUPPETS!

Now for the sake of Journalistic integrity (our obvious number 1 concern) I must admit the muppets prime was a little before my time.  So I didn’t necessarily  get to enjoy the muppets in their prime.  When they ruled the radio waves, television channels and young girls hearts all over America and Canada. 

 

Play on Playaz..Play on...

What was great about the muppets was how eclectic they were,  and Awesome.  They were in a band/vaudeville style show, just trying to make it big in the entertainment industry.  There were cute muppets, scary muppets, funny muppets, muppets that didn’t talk and two old muppets who just drunkenly talked shit the whole time from a balcony.  Today’s kid entertainment sucks.  A main deterrent to having kids would be having them watch the shit that comes out today.  Bob the builder? So kids…let’s all be construction workers.  Dive Olly Dive…if you havn’t seen that shit yet ughhh…its about these fun loving submarines that try to learn you stuff.  Thomas the Train? How scary looking is that thing!  Sponge Bob!…wait…I can’t really hate on spongebob…Dauber from Coach is in it.  You can’t hate on Coach.  

But The Muppets…they just wanted to make you laugh.  Which is great, supposedly laughter is the best medicine or  at least thats what the Mayo clinic told me.  One of the key factors in the hilarity of the Muppets was the simplicity that was utilized.  Example.

You see Zoot, the sax player, playing the number, and then Mahna Mahna comes in and tries to steal the spotlight with a bell solo.  The song with their additions is hilarious on its own.  It was simple enough for kids to enjoy and clever enough for adults to laugh.

But the line…”what If I rufuse to play it…what If I get a new sax player” classic!  Not only did kids love this shit…but adults can still appreciate it.  That takes ridiculous skill and talent.

The Muppets spawned dozens of spin-offs, movies and specials.  Sesame Street is cool by association.  Plus the single coolest fake character ever was created in the process. 

 

What were you thinking Gonzo?

In one episode Animal yells “KILL KILL KILL” while attacking Dudley Moore, I mean who hasn’t done that once or twice when confronted with Dudley Moore.  BUT you would NEVER get that in a cartoon today, there would have to be  moral (not that that is always bad… I.E. Full House (coming soon)) and some tears and some soft music….ugh…BRING BACK JIM HENSON, we need him! THE KIDS NEED HIM.  I KNOW he’s dead, but I can almost guarantee he’s frozen somewhere and Beeker and Dr. Bunson Honeydew are working on a way to bring him back to life.  

Godspeed good Doctors, Godspeed.

OVER AND OUT!

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Awesome Song of The Day #15!

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NATURE AWESOMENESS: VENUS FLYTRAP!

NOM NOM NOM. We don’t normally think of plants when we think of cold blooded, carnivorous, killers with no remorse.  We usually think of assassins, ninjas, great white sharks, rancor, Richard Simmons or Black Holes.  But to be a true OG killer you must inspire fear in all those around you and rule the world, you have to be inconspicuous and heartless.  Enter the Venus Fly Trap.

 

This Thing Will Eat Your Face Or Your Baby...Don't Turn Your Back For a Second...

Now, your probably thinking; dude, it’s a plant I could step on it and it would shrivel and die.  Possibly I say,  have you ever tried? I saw a fly try that once and it was devoured like me on a 5 dollar footlong. (ohhhh you jokesters, no I am not talking about a dick either)  Plus, your probably right, but you have to think in terms of size and proportions.  Can you imagine a plant that ate humans that made us resemble a fly? Need Help.  Don’t worry I’ve got your back.

 

Now Your Shitting Your Pants. Ewww Better Change Those...

  I think Little Shop of Horrors is the perfect precautionary tale.  Boy likes girl, boy likes plant, boy feeds plant humans, plant tries to eat girl, boy kills plant.  I mean it works on so many levels in our everyday life….

Take me for example…boy meets girl, boy buys plant, boy forgets to water plant and it dies.  I mean it’s practically the same thing. Death and Love, life is so simple, and romantic. ahhhhhhhh.

But really, could you imagine just being a meal worm… your life already kinda sucks; what you are is in your name, A MEAL, for some other animal.  I mean if you were born an Appetizer human … you would be pretty bummed.  So your just inching your way across the world, dodging birds, and beetles, snakes, rats, caribou, dracula…and you inch your way into a cool, shady plant.  You crawl across plants all the time, they like bugs, don’t bother bugs.  Then chomp your dead! FUCK!  Yea…think about it.

Visual Aid:

 

AHHHH IM SAFE IN HERE. (thats what Saddam said in that hole)

I think we need to watch our backs.  Plants are getting pretty cocky.  Eating bugs, next it’s birds, then buffalos, then Al Franken (which is no big loss, but that would mean I am next)…

DON’T MAKE ME SAY I TOLD YOU SO.

FIN

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY 14!

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