MOVIE AWESOMENESS: BLOODSPORT!


KUMITE, the deadliest of all martial arts competitions.  Full Contact, no rules, all awesome.  It stars future Blockbuster Attraction Jean-Claude Van Damme, or the newly minted JCVD for short.  It tells the lovely story of Frank Dux, the first Westerner to win the Kumite.  Sorry Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee; best martial artist ever is a white boy.  Now there are some controversies that Frank Dux made this up and that the Kumite doesn’t actually exist.  I say pisshhhhhh, ive seen it with my own eyes…and JCVD WINS!

 

PUT UP YOUR DUX!

PUT UP YOUR DUX!

ACT 1

Now it starts off with Belgium’s national treasure as a weird kid wearing a New York Giants jersey and a San Francisco Giants Hat.  Him and some no good yuppies try to steal a samurai sword from Senzo Tanaka.  Apparently the local Samurai master.  His son does a nice body kick and poor frankie goes down.  Now we get a great training sequence when young Frank is getting accosted by young Tanaka.  Then young Tanaka dies…tears flow, Senzo won’t teach anymore because it was past father to son…father to son.  Frank Dux isn’t his son so logic says I can’t train you… Plus he is white, which doesn’t make sense for a samurai.  Frank convinces him by just saying TEEEEEEEECHHHHH ME.  

 

TEEEEEEEECH ME, NEVER LIMIT YOURSELF TO JUST ONE STYLE! IM BELGIAN!

TEEEEEEEECH ME, NEVER LIMIT YOURSELF TO JUST ONE STYLE! IM BELGIAN!

 

 

So he trains the shit out of Frank, Frank catches a fish, gets hit with some poles, serves some tea blindfolded and does the splits on some weird erotica machine.  

ACT 2

Now Frank outwits the US military. Goes to Hong Kong…meets big dude from Revenge of the Nerds.  They play some video games. Frank wins of course… cause he is unstoppable.  They meet their guide, Frank crushes some bricks with his mind…and arms.  They beat up a bunch of people and Frank stops an Arab from raping a white girl.  George Bush would be so proud.

Now it gets real…Chong Li (played by a 50 year old Bolo Young, who is a terrifying human) kicks the shit out of Revenge of the Nerds.  Steals his bandana and does s Jig.  Now its go time.  Frank vs Li. The Championship.  For all the marbles.  The kumite is fought for marbles, weak I know. 

Frank is whopping ass.  Until Cheater MCcheaterton Chong Li (can you cheat in a no rules competition (also why is there a referee in a full contact competition)) throws dirt or cocaine or dust in the eyes of our hero.  Best movie yell ever proceeds.

 

Why isn't Chong Li kicking me in the face while I yell!?!?!?

Why isn't Chong Li kicking me in the face while I yell!?!?!?

He remembers he can catch fish and serve tea blindfolded. So he whoops ass again.  Makes fucking Li say MATE! Ma te! Its like saying uncle. USA USA USA USA! DON’T FUCK THE USA!

Then girl he saved gives him a fist in palm head nood for respect.  He airplanes to America and stars in Sudden Death.  The End.

END!

————-

Awesome Song of The Day #16

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