Animal Awesomeness: Spider Monkeys!


All Monkeys are cool.  It is a fact of the universe.  There are only a few facts of life 1: Karl Malone loves Space, 2: Castor Troy is the coolest name ever invented and 3: Monkeys are the Coolest.  But who is the real King of the Jungle? Lions, nope… assholes don’t even live in the jungle.  Carpenter Ants…no…why the fuck would you guess that? Jupitor? That is a planet silly. Okay, obviously we need to get you back into 3rd grade…  Spider Monkeys (it’s the title of this blog!)

 

Showing off the goods... Or Shitting...

Showing off the goods... Or Shitting...

I have no idea what a Spider Monkey sounds like when they talk, probably a lot like James Earl Jones or Barry White, really manly/sexy. 

Look at that tail… it’s incredible.  It can hold trees or branches or twigs or trunks or leaves … hmm … well basically it can hold trees.  You know where these badasses live? The upper canopy. Yea, that Upper Canopy, the one in the rainforest that is like 40 yards in the air.  Where you live doesn’t even have trees that big… Much less monkeys that party up there all the time.  

Most humans think we are the pinnacle of evolution…WRONG! Spider Monkeys don’t have thumbs! They don’t need them.  They said fuck thumbs…who needs to open doors or cans.  We will crush them with our tails and minds.  

Cutest babies ever? Humans? No Ewww.  Kittens…close, real close, But no.  Puppies? To easy.  Yep, again…should have guessed the title of this blog.

 

Ohh dear god. The Cutetometer in my head just exploded.  Along with my head.

Ohh dear god. The Cutetometer in my head just exploded. Along with my head.

Spider Monkeys should be allowed to hang out wherever and fling poo at whatever they want.  Really, could you be mad at that thing for flinging do-do at you? No way…you’d go…awwwww its adorable.

That’s it … I am sold. I want one. Hopefully it doesn’t grow to 300 lbs and bite my neighbors hands off.  Thats okay….if that happens I’ll just give it some Prozac…….right?

OVER AND OUT!

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Awesome Song of the Day #11

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