MOVIE AWESOMENESS: VOLCANO


We hope we didn’t freak anybody out by not posting on Friday.  It’s okay, we are okay, nobody was kidnapped, we were just to busy/lazy.  But, were back where we need to be, watching free movies on Encore on a lazy saturday enjoying all the glory of the CHEESY AWESOMENESS of Tommy Lee Jones’s greatest movie accomplish.  So we decided this has to be todays post.

 

The tag line should have been "LA is FUCKED"

The tag line should have been "LA is FUCKED"

 

 

The year was 1997, the weather was beautiful, and Dante’s peak had already blown up the box offices.  Now lets count the ways that Dante’s Peak was awesome; James Bond, Sarah Conner, Old Lady Melts and plenty of explosions.  So your thinking, “ey Guy, I thought this was about Volcano”, your right, lets get back on track…man Dante’s peak was pretty kick ass too.  Movie execs like to release two of the same thing at the same time. Like Armageddon / Deep Impact, Braveheart / Babe, so they needed something to battle James Bond’s mountain lava extravaganza.

Well, instead of having it take place in a tiny mountain town where only a few people are going to die, and only a few buildings will be destroyed.  Lets put it in a giant metropolis.  LA basically explodes, and partially melts.  That right there would have sold me as a movie exec.

You now need to replace James Bond with somebody.  I mean you need the epitome of action star, right?  Arnold? Nope, Sly? Dolph, Kurt Russell ?(I wish).  BUT ALL WRONG.

 

They looked so scared because they are running away from the 'cano towards the Rancor

They looked so scared because they are running away from the 'cano towards the Rancor

YEP, TLJ. (Tommy Lee Jones Dummy!) It was just crazy enough to work… Throw in Ellen’s old Girlfriend, and dash of Don Cheadle and you have the most average people ever saving the day…ever.  Which is cool, cause we all want to save the day.  Or at least stop a giant river of lava from taking over the world with some cement barriers.  Lets not get into arguments of why the lava will only go down one street, or why they can stand so close to it without starting on fire…I mean if movies had to make sense they would never get made. 

The Plot – so it is taking place in LA, the city of angels, and volcanos.  It is a gorgeous day and TLJ is enjoying his job as some city planning transit dude. He jokes with the cheadle, pets his dog, thinks his slutty daughter wants a tattoo…pretty much the same day I was having earlier, but instead of the daughter it was my dog.  (he wants a lower back tattoo of a butterfly in the sunset…I know really gay)  So the tar pits start boiling and things are getting really hot.  Magma (which TLJ didn’t know was lava) starts shooting all over the place, some cars get toasted (at least 3 Ford Tauruses are completely destroyed!  UNACCEPTABLE)  A subway gets mangled, and a river of lava takes over the street.  After getting into a fist fight with the lava the city of LA makes a blockade out of cement (and no, the lava can’t get through any of the obvious cracks, it is a liquid they can’t do that anyways…)

FUCK! LAVA still under the city. So they blow up a hospital! (sorry no people still inside) and make a canal which gently sweeps the magma (sorry TLJ, lava) into the ocean as we have an emotional cut scene of TLJ saving his slutty kid from a falling hospital and the lava hitting the ocean.  Really, really breath taking.  If you easily cry you might want to have tissues ready.

Next Point: the Theme of the movie.  Fuck Nature.  Humans Rule!

But what is the real reason this movie is better than Dante’s Peak.  1 scene, 1 piece of dialogue.  This line of movie perfection.

(slutty daughter is playing with some kid)

Kelly Roark: Paper beats rock, but scissors beat paper. 
Tommy: I’m not paper; I’m lava… what beats lava? 
Kelly Roark: My dad… I hope! 

(truthfully your dad would melt…but its worth a try I guess…)

The cheese meter on this movie is off the charts.  And to that I take my hat off to Mick Jackson for directing this gem (fyi he also did the body guard with the kos and whitney)
OUT!
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Awesome song of the day #5
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4 Responses to “MOVIE AWESOMENESS: VOLCANO”

  1. thank god that basketball was there for tommy lee to use to know which way the lava was gonna flow

  2. Yea…basketballs always save the day. So scientific he was

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