Archive for March, 2009

Nature Awesomeness: Lightning!

Posted in Awesome, Explosions, Humor, Nature, weather on March 30, 2009 by tsanda

YES… LIGHTNING KICKS ASS!

Stop your grumbling.  I can hear it from here.  You’re saying, “Lighting, How is that Awesome, I mean its violent, unexpected, made of electricity, burns holes in trees and can blow your socks off… literally …” See you convinced yourself.  Let me give you a second to retract your doubt.  BEHOLD! 

 

Lighting must hate the ocean!  Hope nobody is swimming right there.

Lighting must hate the ocean! Hope nobody is swimming right there.

 

 

So lighting is pretty scientific, not so much over the heads of our readers;  more just over the heads of our writers.  In a nut shell stuff happens in the sky that causes electricity to destroy stuff after thunder.  That’s actually the Scientific America explanation of how lighting strikes… don’t judge me (Scientific America they are the idiots).  In fact the exact cause of lighting isn’t even known today.  There are a lot of rumors and hearsay but not one scientific rule.  Just like how chocolate is made or how the sun sets without burning the earth (I mean they touch!).  The fact that something happens and we humans can’t figure it out is badass right there.

What happens when lighting hits something.  Explosions, searing pain, bursting flames and glass.  Don’t laugh! It’s true … if lighting hits sand it can turn the silica into glass!  WOW!  I mean I didn’t want my sand box to become a window… fuck you lighting… but that is amazing none the less.  

What happens to humans?????? Your shoes can blow off your feet.  Your teeth can explode! YOU CAN DIE!  But it usually just looks comical like this guy.

 

WOOOOOW thats hot!

WOOOOOW thats hot!

Lighting is like Nature’s bouncers.  People will always hang out side during rain, snow or wind, but the second lighting hits… even 10 miles away.  Sirens go off and the pool party is over.  Lighting is a party pooper though.  Its just jealous that it can’t swim…every time it tries it ends up killing everything in the pool and that makes lighting sad.  Which in turn makes it angry.  If it can’t attend a pool party … neither can you.

Lesson:  Getting hit by lighting is funny.  According to Google Images.

Lighting hates pool  parties.

Class over.

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Awesome song of the Day #19

COMPLETELY USELESS AWESOMENESS: LAMBORGHINI DOORS!

Posted in Awesome, cars, Dork, Humor, Music, Technology on March 29, 2009 by tsanda

Doors opening out is so impractical and frankly lame.  I mean you have smaller spots closer to the front door you could be parking at and the whole door opening thing ruins that.  Plus you accidently open your car door into the car next to you and then its a mess with paint missing and fisticuffs when that person finds out.  The simple and logical answer: doors that open up.  Just like in the future…but today…

 

This picture is a liar... a Lambo has never once been off a paved road.

This picture is a liar... a Lambo has never once been off a paved road.

I don’t know why all cars don’t incorporate the Lambo door.  I mean its useless and has no real value other than it looks fucking awesome.  There are certain things that just look awesome and thats its only job.  Sharks teeth on fighter planes, designs on goalie masks in hockey, grizzly bears and doors that open up.  Only important people exit a car under the doors.  GM, FORD and Dodge wouldn’t be going out of business if they just discontinued bullshit regular doors that open out and waste so much time and space.  Would you care your driving a Chevy Impala if the doors opened up? Dumb question … of course not.

Though somebody … cough cough…Mr. Delorean, did somehow fuck up this genius design by trying to appease everybody. Classic door opens out people and the hip new age people from the future who want their doors to open up.  So he had a door that opened out and up … which not only caused alot of head bumping, but you still opened the car door into the car next to you.  Lose Lose Lose.

 

At least it could time travel.

At least it could time travel.

But not all is lost.  Somehow even cars that look dumb as shit get saved by an easy addition of Lambo doors. 

 

You don't even notice how dumb looking a stretch 300 is....all I see is the sexiest doors ever.

You don't even notice how dumb looking a stretch 300 is....all I see is the sexiest doors ever.

I am trying to incorporate Lambo doors on my house.  Front door that opens up.  Genius.  Thanks Italy, you finally did something I like…well 2 things.  Pasta kinda rules too.

Open your doors up… you know you want to.

OUT.

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Awesome Song of The Day #18

WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SNIPER RIFLES!

Posted in Awesome, Dork, Humor, Movies, Music, Technology, Weapons on March 26, 2009 by tsanda

You know that guy who is always shooting at you while you fill up with gas or go jogging or make a sandwich?  But you never know where he is!!!! You’re always like, what the crap!  Where are all these bullet holes around me coming from?  Well, he has a sniper rifle.  He is apparently a terrible shot too.  But you’ll never see him.  He is probably 10 miles away.  Or on a mountain top.

 

Cutest... and Deadliest Sniper Ever!   MEOW MUTHA FUCKA YOU DEAD!

Cutest... and Deadliest Sniper Ever! MEOW MUTHA FUCKA YOU DEAD!

So sniper rifles were invented by a genius.  He said …”war kinda blows” (direct quote)… getting shot while trying to shoot other people kinda sucks.  Why don’t I sit in some watch tower somewhere and just cap people? Wow… why didn’t people think of that earlier.  The only thing more efficient than that is Robocop.  So they are smart and efficient not to mention they are usually awesome looking.  The bullets are usually really huge to.  How big…let me think…Like the size of a fist.  It’s like getting punched in the face by a gun.  But your head is then missing, and bleeding alot. I mean like everywhere.

People think snipers are all business.  Can’t have any fun or sense of humors.  Not true.  They will play tic tac toe with each other on a wall a mile away.  Or make some poor guy dance who is across the street and has no idea what is going on.  Or they just want to make themselves giggle every time the blow somebody’s dome to pieces. 

 

Mustaches and face explosions go hand in hand....

Mustaches and face explosions go hand in hand....

Movies love snipers.  Bill Paxton from Navy Seals.  Aka “GOD”.  The dude from Saving Private Ryan, who unfortunately gets killed by a tank.  Which is an obvious mismatch.  That debacle that is Enemy at the Gates.  Jude Law playing a bad ass?  Right and I’m going to play Jude Law in, Perfect: The Jude Law Story…  And Billy Z and Tom B in Sniper.  

 

I am a Sniper and apparently a Gay Cowboy.

I am a Sniper and apparently a Gay Cowboy.

So Class is dismissed.  Your test is next week. 

Study Guide.  

Kill something far away? Sniper Rifle. 

Impress Billy Zane? Sniper Rifle.

That is all

 

OUT!

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Awesome song of the Day # 17

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MOVIE AWESOMENESS: BLOODSPORT!

Posted in Awesome, Dork, Humor, memories, Movies, Music on March 24, 2009 by tsanda

KUMITE, the deadliest of all martial arts competitions.  Full Contact, no rules, all awesome.  It stars future Blockbuster Attraction Jean-Claude Van Damme, or the newly minted JCVD for short.  It tells the lovely story of Frank Dux, the first Westerner to win the Kumite.  Sorry Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee; best martial artist ever is a white boy.  Now there are some controversies that Frank Dux made this up and that the Kumite doesn’t actually exist.  I say pisshhhhhh, ive seen it with my own eyes…and JCVD WINS!

 

PUT UP YOUR DUX!

PUT UP YOUR DUX!

ACT 1

Now it starts off with Belgium’s national treasure as a weird kid wearing a New York Giants jersey and a San Francisco Giants Hat.  Him and some no good yuppies try to steal a samurai sword from Senzo Tanaka.  Apparently the local Samurai master.  His son does a nice body kick and poor frankie goes down.  Now we get a great training sequence when young Frank is getting accosted by young Tanaka.  Then young Tanaka dies…tears flow, Senzo won’t teach anymore because it was past father to son…father to son.  Frank Dux isn’t his son so logic says I can’t train you… Plus he is white, which doesn’t make sense for a samurai.  Frank convinces him by just saying TEEEEEEEECHHHHH ME.  

 

TEEEEEEEECH ME, NEVER LIMIT YOURSELF TO JUST ONE STYLE! IM BELGIAN!

TEEEEEEEECH ME, NEVER LIMIT YOURSELF TO JUST ONE STYLE! IM BELGIAN!

 

 

So he trains the shit out of Frank, Frank catches a fish, gets hit with some poles, serves some tea blindfolded and does the splits on some weird erotica machine.  

ACT 2

Now Frank outwits the US military. Goes to Hong Kong…meets big dude from Revenge of the Nerds.  They play some video games. Frank wins of course… cause he is unstoppable.  They meet their guide, Frank crushes some bricks with his mind…and arms.  They beat up a bunch of people and Frank stops an Arab from raping a white girl.  George Bush would be so proud.

Now it gets real…Chong Li (played by a 50 year old Bolo Young, who is a terrifying human) kicks the shit out of Revenge of the Nerds.  Steals his bandana and does s Jig.  Now its go time.  Frank vs Li. The Championship.  For all the marbles.  The kumite is fought for marbles, weak I know. 

Frank is whopping ass.  Until Cheater MCcheaterton Chong Li (can you cheat in a no rules competition (also why is there a referee in a full contact competition)) throws dirt or cocaine or dust in the eyes of our hero.  Best movie yell ever proceeds.

 

Why isn't Chong Li kicking me in the face while I yell!?!?!?

Why isn't Chong Li kicking me in the face while I yell!?!?!?

He remembers he can catch fish and serve tea blindfolded. So he whoops ass again.  Makes fucking Li say MATE! Ma te! Its like saying uncle. USA USA USA USA! DON’T FUCK THE USA!

Then girl he saved gives him a fist in palm head nood for respect.  He airplanes to America and stars in Sudden Death.  The End.

END!

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Awesome Song of The Day #16

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES AWESOMENESS: THE MUPPETS!

Posted in Awesome, Dork, Humor, memories, Monsters, Movies, Music on March 23, 2009 by tsanda

Now for the sake of Journalistic integrity (our obvious number 1 concern) I must admit the muppets prime was a little before my time.  So I didn’t necessarily  get to enjoy the muppets in their prime.  When they ruled the radio waves, television channels and young girls hearts all over America and Canada. 

 

Play on Playaz..Play on...

Play on Playaz..Play on...

What was great about the muppets was how eclectic they were,  and Awesome.  They were in a band/vaudeville style show, just trying to make it big in the entertainment industry.  There were cute muppets, scary muppets, funny muppets, muppets that didn’t talk and two old muppets who just drunkenly talked shit the whole time from a balcony.  Today’s kid entertainment sucks.  A main deterrent to having kids would be having them watch the shit that comes out today.  Bob the builder? So kids…let’s all be construction workers.  Dive Olly Dive…if you havn’t seen that shit yet ughhh…its about these fun loving submarines that try to learn you stuff.  Thomas the Train? How scary looking is that thing!  Sponge Bob!…wait…I can’t really hate on spongebob…Dauber from Coach is in it.  You can’t hate on Coach.  

But The Muppets…they just wanted to make you laugh.  Which is great, supposedly laughter is the best medicine or  at least thats what the Mayo clinic told me.  One of the key factors in the hilarity of the Muppets was the simplicity that was utilized.  Example.

You see Zoot, the sax player, playing the number, and then Mahna Mahna comes in and tries to steal the spotlight with a bell solo.  The song with their additions is hilarious on its own.  It was simple enough for kids to enjoy and clever enough for adults to laugh.

But the line…”what If I rufuse to play it…what If I get a new sax player” classic!  Not only did kids love this shit…but adults can still appreciate it.  That takes ridiculous skill and talent.

The Muppets spawned dozens of spin-offs, movies and specials.  Sesame Street is cool by association.  Plus the single coolest fake character ever was created in the process. 

 

What were you thinking Gonzo?

What were you thinking Gonzo?

In one episode Animal yells “KILL KILL KILL” while attacking Dudley Moore, I mean who hasn’t done that once or twice when confronted with Dudley Moore.  BUT you would NEVER get that in a cartoon today, there would have to be  moral (not that that is always bad… I.E. Full House (coming soon)) and some tears and some soft music….ugh…BRING BACK JIM HENSON, we need him! THE KIDS NEED HIM.  I KNOW he’s dead, but I can almost guarantee he’s frozen somewhere and Beeker and Dr. Bunson Honeydew are working on a way to bring him back to life.  

Godspeed good Doctors, Godspeed.

OVER AND OUT!

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Awesome Song of The Day #15!

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NATURE AWESOMENESS: VENUS FLYTRAP!

Posted in Awesome, Dork, Food, Humor, Monsters, Nature on March 21, 2009 by tsanda

NOM NOM NOM. We don’t normally think of plants when we think of cold blooded, carnivorous, killers with no remorse.  We usually think of assassins, ninjas, great white sharks, rancor, Richard Simmons or Black Holes.  But to be a true OG killer you must inspire fear in all those around you and rule the world, you have to be inconspicuous and heartless.  Enter the Venus Fly Trap.

 

This Thing Will Eat Your Face Or Your Baby...Don't Turn Your Back For a Second...

This Thing Will Eat Your Face Or Your Baby...Don't Turn Your Back For a Second...

Now, your probably thinking; dude, it’s a plant I could step on it and it would shrivel and die.  Possibly I say,  have you ever tried? I saw a fly try that once and it was devoured like me on a 5 dollar footlong. (ohhhh you jokesters, no I am not talking about a dick either)  Plus, your probably right, but you have to think in terms of size and proportions.  Can you imagine a plant that ate humans that made us resemble a fly? Need Help.  Don’t worry I’ve got your back.

 

Now Your Shitting Your Pants.  Ewww Better Change Those...

Now Your Shitting Your Pants. Ewww Better Change Those...

  I think Little Shop of Horrors is the perfect precautionary tale.  Boy likes girl, boy likes plant, boy feeds plant humans, plant tries to eat girl, boy kills plant.  I mean it works on so many levels in our everyday life….

Take me for example…boy meets girl, boy buys plant, boy forgets to water plant and it dies.  I mean it’s practically the same thing. Death and Love, life is so simple, and romantic. ahhhhhhhh.

But really, could you imagine just being a meal worm… your life already kinda sucks; what you are is in your name, A MEAL, for some other animal.  I mean if you were born an Appetizer human … you would be pretty bummed.  So your just inching your way across the world, dodging birds, and beetles, snakes, rats, caribou, dracula…and you inch your way into a cool, shady plant.  You crawl across plants all the time, they like bugs, don’t bother bugs.  Then chomp your dead! FUCK!  Yea…think about it.

Visual Aid:

 

AHHHH IM SAFE IN HERE. (thats what Saddam said in that hole)

AHHHH IM SAFE IN HERE. (thats what Saddam said in that hole)

I think we need to watch our backs.  Plants are getting pretty cocky.  Eating bugs, next it’s birds, then buffalos, then Al Franken (which is no big loss, but that would mean I am next)…

DON’T MAKE ME SAY I TOLD YOU SO.

FIN

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY 14!

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CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: SOCKS

Posted in clothing, Dork, Humor, Music on March 19, 2009 by tsanda

Feet are usually pretty gross. They walk on dirt, hot coals, water (show off Jesus).  They sweat more than 12 arm pits hanging out in a butt-hole, sitting in a sauna on the sun.  They are usually hairy and for some reason are always cold.  Luckily for mermaids they don’t have feet so they have nothing to worry about.  So if your a mermaid stop reading this shit now!  Wait… if your a mermaid how the hell are you getting your computer to work under the sea!

Ahhh socks.

 

H-O-L-Y M-O-L-Y MY SOCKS CAN SHOOT DOWN WWII FIGHTER PLANES

H-O-L-Y M-O-L-Y MY SOCKS CAN SHOOT DOWN WWII FIGHTER PLANES

What is the best part of the day? Putting on socks.  Best part of your life? Putting on a new pair of socks.  Putting on a fresh pair of socks is like have a polar bear skin wrapped around your feet while they are messaged by angels hair.  When the weather outside gets a little frightful, no I’m not talking about a vampire tsunami.  But rather a gentle snow storm (can gentle and storm be used in the same sentence… well I used vampire tsunami so I guess it doesn’t really matter), what do you want more than a warm bath? or a fire… or heated floors?  Big Warm Wool Socks.  They should make full body one piece wool socks.  Day dream moment.

 

I want to live in you...

I want to live in you...

They now make socks that have separate toes, socks that have tassels, socks that fly and socks that travel back into time.  I may have made a few of those up.  But the most important design progression in socks is the slow elimination of the need for shoes.  Shoes are aight, don’t get me wrong, someday the Nike Dunks will get their moment of glory when the clouds part and the sky lights up a pair but until then we can just enjoy these sweet puppies.

 

When are rappers going to rap about nike socks?

When are rappers going to rap about nike socks?

 

 

But most shoes/styles are utilitarian at best.  But now you can wear awesome socks that not only caress your 10 little piggies but people will think you’re wearing shoes… you can easily fool the lady at 7/11 into thinking you have shoes on… but I wouldn’t recommend going into a 7/11 without a pair of shoes on… or 2, unless you want gonorrhea on your feet.  Then by all means.

Lesson Review – What are gross? Feet, what should be covered at all times, feet.  What do you do that with? Socks (i’ll let slippers slide when your sick…) What can be made to look like shoes? Socks. I wish I had more feet so I could have more socks on.

 

YOURS TRUELY! 

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #13