Archive for Comedy

JACOBSON & GORDY

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2012 by tsanda

Coming soon to TNT, the new hit series from the creators of such classics and Rizzoli and Isles and Franklin and Bash comes the next great pair of spunky people who do something together!  Jacobson is a tough as nails Brooklyn cabbie.  Gordy is a Romanian bear wrestler.  One night on the gritty streets they discovered each other and their shared love for action and adventure.  They found that they love the same two things.  Solving the mysteries of the night and being sassy.

You will hear their classic catch phrases as they do their signature move of hitting people with their car. Which is a 1989 Pontiac Fiero; which Jacobson calls his “Getting sex machine.”  Cause it helps him get sex.  He doesn’t realize he doesn’t have to explain the nickname but he makes a point of putting it on his business cards.

The Fiero, trying not to explode from 1984-1989.

The Fiero, trying not to explode from 1984-1989.

Gold Rims or Go Home, is what I would have nicked named that.  But Rizzoli liked the latter… (she fell for it’s charms, just fyi that will be a great crossover episode).

They always chase their perps (crime show word) in the Fiero and then just straight up hit them as hard as they can.  They don’t believe the justice system actually works.  These two badasses just know the murder system.

Just got hit by Jacobson & Gordy? You are bound to hear a gem such as, “Should have looked both ways before crossing the street.” or “Why did the criminal cross the street? To get hit by our car!” or “Crosswalks are for old people and pussies…” (editors note, that last one got edited from the show)

If you like high fives, fast cars, loose women, periodic guest spots from Franklin and Bash (who always get called in to get them off the hook for hitting so many people with their car) and a minimum of 10 explosions an episode you will love TNT’s new dramedy, Jacobson & Gordy.

Starring: Tom Everett Scot as Jacobson:

The guy you know you've seen in something.

That guy you know you’ve seen in something.

And Roddy Roddy Piper as Gordy.

I'm here to hit you with my car and chew bubblegum... and I am all out of bubblegum...

I’m here to hit you with my car and chew bubblegum… and I am all out of bubblegum…

Coming to TNT Tuesday.  Don’t want to watch it? That is okay. Somehow somebody somewhere will watch it just like Franklin and Bash and Rizzoli and Isles.  You won’t ever meet them but they are there.  We at TNT promise.

Jacobson and Gordy TNT knows sassy crime fighting couples!

 

Awesome Song of The Day

Shout out Louds

Impossible

The Devil Is A Puss Bag These Days…

Posted in Arnold, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Music, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 28, 2012 by tsanda

Ohhh that Devil.  Always trying to mess with our minds and tempt us to eat chocolate and covet they neighbors Wednesday night orgies.  It is tough, cause boy howdy do those things get loud.  I think last time I heard a Phoenix burn and rise from its ashes during one of those….

…. It sounds unfortunately a lot like a lawnmower starting.  Life – the constant disappointment.

 

“Vrrrrmmm Vrrrmm Vrrrmmmvrmmmvrmmmm”

I had an “an” in front of Phoenix for a second and there were little squiggles under it.  I clicked it and it’s only recommendation was to stop being a fucking moron.  God damnit word.  You’re a jerk!

Remember when the Devil was awesome and people were scared of him.  He would produce Faces of Death and make kids listen to Black Sabbath and Led Zepplin?  He made teenagers touch privates and put real oil in Mcdonald’s french fries. But here it comes to my attention that the kid from Two and a Half Men says to stop watching that show because the Devil wants you to tune in.  To mush your brain.  First of all, I assumed that kid was property of Warner Brothers so I am shocked he is allowed to go outside and converse with people.  Secondly, why the sam hell does the Devil want people watching that show? If that show mushes your brain you will have no motivation to go out and worship the Devil.  That shit takes work.  You have to drawn pentagrams and sacrifice goats and shit.  Nobody who watches Two and Half men is motivated for all of that work.

I mean if the Devil wants to support a medium of the media…. that doesn’t sound like a thing…. he should totally get behind my stuff.  This will mush the shit out of your brain.  Plus I hate goats! Always eating my cans.

For all the stereotypes about goats eating cans all the time I couldn’t find a single JPEG, yep. Gettin Technical.  Keep up internet.  So I found the closest alternative and it works pretty well.

Gimmie dem boobies!

That is what I always say to girls.  Usually looks a lot like this too. Although I can’t grow a goatee.  Whoa. Finally just got that. I am welcome.

Now the Devil wants us to watch Jon Cryer sitcoms? If you peruse any of the awesome Illuminati blogs you will find that all the Devil worshipping artists these days are sucky pussies.  Like Lady Gaga and Beyonce and Taylor Swift. What the crap happened!  The Devil really must have got some screws loose when Arnold whooped his ass in End of Days.  I don’t like any of those jokers, I must be doing Gods work!

Ohh well lets listen to music that the Devil doesn’t like….because it is good….

Awesome Song of the Day

Pete and the Pirates

“The marks on your back and the lines on your face…. one thousand pictures”

Best Lyric Ever.

Well, after I have so much money my money count money… but that is a given.

note to self. I may have used this song before.  No chance in hell I fact check that though.

 

 

LITTERING CAMPAIGNS: WASHINGTON STATE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, States with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2012 by tsanda

Everybody knows the famous Texas slogan.  Don’t mess with Texas.  Great fodder for T-shirts and the back of underwear.  You know like a pun about shitting your undies.  Which apparently is an epidemic in Texas.  It must be the water or general disregard for bathrooms and hygiene.  But I have to be honest this slogan has nothing on Washington States slogan.  I am up here working for my work, doing work.  I was driving on the just lovely I-5 going either north or south.  This is a wonderful little stretch of Americana.  Tree’s and beavers frolic like butterflies at dusk.  Yes that tree’s should be possessive.  The 2nd one was just a fucking stupid mistake.  But I haven’t figured out backspace yet or language.

Apparently, Tom Cruise is going to be in a musical?  I wonder if he will make Tom Cruise running face. I have attached the most amazing video. Not only does this guy get the humor of Tom Cruise running, but he makes an awesome video and chooses the best song of all times.

Sorry, I got side tracked by the TV playing at the Africa Club in the Sea-Tac airport.  Which is a confused place here in white peopleville. Although to be fair they have a dish that gives you AIDs for authentic Africa flavor.  I wonder what flavor AID’s has.  Probably a lot like diarrhea mixed with nutmeg.

So Washington is a beautiful state, not like my home state, where we just through garbage out our windows cause, well fuck it.  That’s our litter slogan.  It is widely successful.  Just huge billboards with a half eaten cheeseburger and crumpled PBR tall boy, next to calligraphy of “Well, fuck it.” How do they get it done here?  Passive aggressive threats?  No, they are very obvious.

Litter Campaign Washington State, Litter and it will hurt,

Vague, yet terrifying.  

I mean it’s scary because bigfoot lives in Washington.  If I throw my danish wrapper on the ground does bigfoot run out and punch me in the sternum?  I don’t know.  So I tested the theory.  I live life on the edge of disaster.  That’s my motto. I have shirts and everything.  My mom got another one for mothers day and she threw it away and disowned me.

I ate some gum and threw the wrapper on the ground.  A seagull at that moment then shit from the skies into my mouth.

I was like what the hell man?  You said it would hurt not be disgusting!  Then I got hit by a twin engine prop plane.  Damnit Washington.  You are good.

-

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Deniece Williams

Lets Hear it for the Boy

when I searched for this song, the SEATAC Airport free wifi made me re-agree to the terms and conditions.  I of course didn’t read them but I really hope that listening to this song on their network is against their terms and conditions.  If I get arrested I will hunger strike for this song.

 

BINARY AWESOMENESS: 10101000100101010100!!!!!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Internet Photographs, Technology, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by tsanda

1001010101010010101010101010101010100000011111101010111010101010001101010000000100000111111101010101001011110101010

1010101100101010100000001111101010000101010101010101010101000001011101110001110001101010

10100101

“10001110100101010000110001”

“100010011101110000011101010101”

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

0001001110101001010101 101001010101010!!!

11010010010011010100001010101010001111111111110111111111011111110000010101010 01 10100 0101 10 10 10 100000111010 1010101 010101

010101010 101 101010010101 0101

101010 1010 01 011111000 10101 01 010 10 01010010101

0101 101 0010011000 10101001

01010101

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

10101010101 10101 01010101010

10101 00101 01010 101001 01 010 10 10  23827828917189728179838928972817  10 1010010101 1010 10101 100010100101 01010 010100101010

0101010

10101

101010 100100 1010

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

1010101010101????

10101!!!

1010 1010101010!

1100101010

1001010

—-

 

 

Bill Nye “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“1001010010”

TERRIBLE PARENTING and CHILD AWESOMENESS: I HAVE TO POOP!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, comedy, Dork, Humor, Space with tags , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2012 by tsanda

So I saw a video that is making the rounds on the world wide web. It involves the youngest member of MENSA, which I always thought stood for the Men Space Association.  Which was great cause we don’t want coodies in space.  We have enough problems to worry about with giant solar flares that are going to cause 2012.  I saw that movie.  We are fucked.  I am still trying to find John Cusack so he can wisk me to safety.  No Amanda Peet though.  That lady is annoying.  So this kid is a badass. A certified genius by the age of 3.  Loves donuts and just yells I have to poop when its time to bathroom.

Here watch this.

That kid is a spitting image of me.  Not when I was a kid… Right now.  That kid and I could hang out.  At work I keep getting dirty looks because after my morning coffee I just yell.

“Ohhh boy I have to doo doo”

Until somebody brings me a bucket or I doo doo my sweatpants. Yeah, I am allowed to wear sweatpants to my office.  I don’t get fired because I think they think I am mentally handicapped.

First thing that kid does while at the Today Show.  Eat a bakers dozen.  Who cares about meeting Al Roker.  Those fucking donuts have frosting and sprinkles!

What about that kids horrible parents.  Their kid is screaming I have to shit my fucking pants on national television and what do they do.  Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop ruining their moment for making such a smart baby.  At one point the dad like a smug piece of shit says.  “I’m sorry about this” What! You’re sorry that your just passed being a baby child has to crap and she isn’t being more polite about it????  I wish that kid would have just dropped trow and shit all over her dads feet.  Then flipped him off and yelled I’m out.  That’s what I would do.  Probably why I wasn’t invited back to the today show for my amazing lowest IQ score ever.  I posted it on my fridge.  That interviewer is a cunt too. That is a harsh word.  I know my mom told me not to use it unless I am talking about draculas.  But that skank face couldn’t roll with the punches either.  Ohh your tummy hurts.  Well stop ruining my bit! I don’t want to go back to ring girl at the holiday inn cage fights.  I wish a car came through that building and took out that kids parents and the interviewer.  That car would be driven by Steven Hawkings mind.  He would bring her to MENSA head quarters and she could eat all the donuts her heart desires and then cure cancer.  That kid rules.

I want a bakers two dozen.  That’s 43 donuts.  Hey, I didn’t make up the math.

-

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ROMAN CANDLE

THEY SAY

I wish I could sing and not make windows break and heads explode.  It is my greatest power and my greatest downfall.  Ohh sweet justice.

 

 

PRIME MINISTER AWESOMENESS: VLADIMIR PUTIN!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2012 by tsanda

My grandfather once said that Russians were no better than animals which was confusing to me because animals are awesome.  Duckbilled Platypus or Flying Squirrels? No more words needed about that.  The extent of my knowledge of Russians is what I have learned from James Bond and they are usually trying to take over the world.  I disagree, if they are anything like their Prime Minister, old Vlad Putin, they are just trying to enjoy the finer things in life.

When I have a rough day at work what is the first thing I want to do when I get home?  Bubble Bath? That is second.  Double Dutch competition with the Jensen sisters down the street? That is saturday morning stuff.  Shirtless Horseback riding? Ding Ding Ding.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

He is probably going off to hand to hand combat a Russian Bear. Then wear its skin home.

That is awesome.  Obama ever done anything this cool?  Not likely.  Somebody would probably complain about skin cancer or animal abuse.  Putin knows the secret to a good leader is a fantastic tan.

After he rides the horse to the edge of death what does he do? He lets his steed drink water while he takes a gentle dip to recharge his engines and cool his weary bones.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Relax? I meant to say Butterfly Stroke, a perfect one at that, across a lake that is probably 5 miles long.

All this shirtless horseback and olympic quality swimming has got him hungry.  He chops down a tree and makes a fishing pole.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Actually he is now fishing for whales off the coast of Siberia.

After he eats his whale.  He needs to let off a little aggression.  Some silly American was caught spying on him.  Instead of chopping off his head or drowning him in a kiddy pool during his sons sweet 16.  Judo throw!

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Please go tell Obama to stop spying on me and if he wants to shirtless hang glide I am going next weekend over Chechnya.

Whoa that is a long day.  I need to win the World Cup for mother russia.  But we can only play in suits. Because not only are we obviously superior to all other countries in all ways, but we need to look dashing at the same time.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Fuck you Ronaldo. This is how you make soccer look good.

Somebody should teach these Russians that if they bunch like that they are going to get killed on the counter attack.  ohhh the KGB will just shoot the other team?  That works too.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BUCK 65 – PAPER AIRPLANE

Long Live Creative Music

MONSTER AWESOMENESS: LAZY MONSTERS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2012 by tsanda

I was going to write a post about doing the limbo until I realized that is a terrible idea. However, I was going to write however and then put a comma after it so I successfully got that off my bucket list.  The hula is a crazy ass game though.  Somebody saw something and was like I wonder how low I can put that and still walk under it and it lasted eternity.  But somehow lawn darts and lawn axe throwing didn’t stand the test of time.  Kids need to be tougher.  Less limbo, more getting stabbed.

Although when I was searching for pictures of the limbo somehow this gem came up.  No, I still have no idea how google images works.

Zombie, Blog, Humor, Awesome, Walking Dead, AMC

Hey, you human. Come here. I want to bite you. But I need you to put your hand in my mouth. Then close it for me hard enough where it punctures your skin.  Then I need you to get some of my saliva into it.  You did all that?  Good you’re a zombie.  Damnit! I need to stop following instructions so well.

Walking Dead is a pretty sweet show.  Zombies and Drama. Zrama.  This zombie always cracks me up.  Just lying there making noises and gently reaching out for some human to accident fall into its teeth.  I realize it didn’t have legs but thats no excuse! Wheelchair zombies! Time to overcome some diversity.  Overcome adversity?  That doesn’t make any sense.

Humans are lazy.  Most monsters were once humans.  So there has to be some other lazy ass monsters.  Like a Werewolf that is fat as hell and just sits on his porch rocking in a rocking chair with a shotgun.  Then when kids skateboard by, he shoots them.  Then goes to bed and complains to the wife how obnoxious the youth is these days.  She then tells him, that she has told him once she has told him a million times, they cannot have sex when he is a werewolf.  Life just isn’t fair for a lycan.

Or a Lochness monster that drowns because they get sick of all that swimming.

I wonder how somebody becomes one of those things?  Vampire Bite = Transformation, Werewolf Bite = Transformation, Zombie Bite = Transformation… Lochness Monster bukkake = Transformation.  Gross, I have just decided to not go to any place other then the US.  I am trying to avoid Lochness bukkake. Weird, I thought a monster Bukkake would come from a Asian country.  Just goes to show that you cannot stereotype.

This song literally came out 3 hours ago according to the internets. Song is exploding my brains.  Are they legit rappers? Comedians? Just cool fucking dudes?  Lazy Werewolves? I hope all.

Childish Gambino Ft Flynt Flossy & Yung Humma

Literally the best song ever.

 

 

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