Archive for April, 2012

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: JASON STATHAM IN SAFE!

Posted in Action, Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2012 by tsanda

Jason Statham is really fucking good and protecting and transporting things, people, briefcases, etc.  You are really excited to see Safe, a new action thriller coming out soon.  But crud!  There are a lot of movies out these days and you can’t get to them all.  I mean we are all probably chomping at the bit to see some Johnny Depp movie about an ancient vampire who is blown away by TV’s and Mcdonalds….right…? This is just vampire Harry and the Hendersons… and that my friend is a masterpiece.  It’s only down hill when you don’t have John Lithgow involved.

Harry and the Hendersons, John Lithgow, Harry, Bigfoot, humor, comedy

Lithgow here. I just added this picture because that's how I hope John Lithgow answers the phone.

So I will do you a huge solid and give you a run down of the movie.  I had to save my own time so I haven’t watched it either.  But I am willing to bet 3 cases of rootbeer milk that I am pretty darn close.

If the movie poster is any indication this movie is gonna be good.

Safe, Jason Statham, Guns, Movie, Blog, Humor

Find your own kid napping victim. She is mine.

Jason Statham plays Uzi Sanchez.  A down on his luck Mexican Boxer.  He has been homeless since his last big beat and also got kicked off the force for not being corrupt.

He devises a perfect scheme.  Kidnap a little asian girl who is good with numbers to help him win scratch tickets.  So he can then win the money to enter a kickboxing competition to save his blind half brother from an Australian hit squad.

Jason Statham, Safe, Humor, Comedy

The homeless years: I hope they edit out the scene where I eat sausages from a dumpster.

They don’t that scene is gritty and real.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, blog, humor, comedy

Hey Buddy, I've told you once I've told you twice, stop giving hand jobs in our dumpster!

Okay, so for the first half of the movie Uzi is hooked on smack and can’t stop trying to give hand jobs for the money.  It’s then he sees his salvation.  The math kid.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Yelling at a kid, Humor, Comedy

HEY KID!!! AHHHHH!!!! CAN YOU COUNT TO 7 11 OR 21?????!!!!!!??!?!?!

Uzi’s weakness is for 7 11 21, a scratcher, that is a real head scratcher.  You have to add 3 numbers and if they are 7 11 or 21 you win! But those are the 3 hardest numbers to add up to in the English Dictionary.  Many a sad afternoon you could find Uzi crying while looking at a ticket trying to count on his fingers.  Most of which he lost in a man vs chicken fighting ring in lower manhattan.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Blog, Humor

Shit. It's daytime. I probably should have done this a little more secretively.

As you can imagine they pretty much run around in circles and many times he yells at her.  “Don’t worry, I wont let you go home to your parents until you win me the $5,0000 grab prize.”

Then a miracle.

A Winner.

7+3+1.  He steals some kids Nokia plays some snake. Then adds the numbers. 11. Holy shit. I did it.

Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Humor, Blog

Hey mister, did you save enough after buying that suit to save your brother?....shit.

He then holds this pose and the gun at the girl for the final 23 minutes of the movie while a God Speed You Black Emperor song plays in its entirety in the background.

Screen goes black.  You hear a gunshot.  Did he kill her… or himself?  Maybe one of the thousand cops following up on the Amber Alert shot him…  One of those great movie mysteries that will be talked about for years to come.  Maybe it was all a dream?

Credits role. Written, Directed, Starred, Produced, Edited, Shot and Catered by Jason Statham.  That guy can do it all.

The End….Or is it?/ To Be Continued / Maybe … Shrug.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Gladys Knight and the Pips

Midnight Train to Georgia

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MILK AWESOMENESS: ROOT BEER MILK?

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, clothing, Food, Humor, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2012 by tsanda

I stole this photograph from my brother. Apparently this exists and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. Or Rap my head around it. Nothing cool rhymes with Rootbeer Milk. Glutesmear Rilk? Those aren’t even words!

Root Beer Milk

A much better seller than the Old Fashioned Mr. Pibb milk.

I looked this up on the internet and apparently it is real. Apparently back in history people would mix rootbeer and milk. I’m a little unsure still whether or not this is real. Because it’s “old fashioned” not “olde fashionede” adding e’s to the ends of words that don’t neede it makes things seeme oldere and more authentice.

How did this occur? Rootbeer milk. Those two things together sounds like the devil’s poison.

I get carmel eggs and ice cream tacos. Those make perfect sense to me. Wheat grass marshmallows and Jamba Juice nachos? These things I would mix in a heartbeat.

First of all milk is stupid and root beer is like the 8th best soda. I have no idea how this happened. Could I bet behind some milk squirt? Other than the name sounds horribly sexual and 100% unappetizing. I’d try it.

Hell, I’d even go Milk + Crystal Pepsi.

Quite frankly I’d be more psyched for turd water.

I’m going to calm my nerves with a sweet glass of Maple Syrup Ginger Ale. That would probably be the most canadian thing since, Canada.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Theophilus London FT. ASAP Rocky

Big Spender

NEW PROFESSION AWESOMENESS: PRIVATE EYE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Predator with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2012 by tsanda

So it finally happened. I quit my job at the banana factory.  Too/two/to many gorillas swinging through windows and kicking down the doors to steal my lively hood.  I also decided, as you can see, I am giving up on trying to figure out when two use to, it’s just 2 damn confusing.  I’ve just started throwing toos out there willy nilly and seeing what happens.  Like that damn gorilla Gerald does with his handfuls of turds.  It’s not enough you ate my last bunch of naners!

My new profession you ask? Glad you asked or this would be a really short one sided post. Private eye. I was shooting for Private Dancer, but Tina Turner doesn’t return my candy grams.

Private Detective, or Private Dick as my business card reads ( I only made one) Is a great profession.  What did I do all day? Sit in my car and stare into people’s houses from across the street.

Private Eye

Official Private Eye Business, Back Off Buddy... why are you outside a school?... hmmm.... good question.

I get to wear sweet clothes all day like a trench coat and when I do people assume I have clothes on underneath it.  Which is a rad change of pace.  Do you get to listen to XM satellite radio all day and smoke a pipe?

My second family in Reno: You smoke!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

Me: It’s really only bubbles… see

Family: Good. Now close your legs that trench coat is very revealing.

I get to solve crimes all the time like who is the last boy scout.  I can carry a taser.  It goes well with the rape whistle I had to start carrying from the midnight predator rapings.

I make my own fucking hours and I am my own fucking boss.

Guy who hired me: Hey asshole! Why aren’t you working?

Me: How do you know I am not working.  Look I have a fedora, a pipe and a camera.  Total Dick Tracy stuff.

Guy: You have sat outside my house since I hired you.  You fell asleep for 4 hours and ate 4 subways sandwiches.

Me: Hey, Im not getting paid by the hour so stuff it.

Guy: Yes you are.  I am paying your asking rate of 1 subway sandwich an hour.  You’re fired!

Well, I guess I am not my own boss.  Shit.  Now where am I going to get some subway.  I guess I could get sponsored.

Awesome Song of the Day

Tina Turner

Private Dancer!

… and yes Tina.  I do want to see you do the shimmy again.

I am not sure if the same ad plays everytime.  The youtube is a wonderous invention but I don’t try to figure it out.  Like popcorn chicken. But the Droid Razor commercial that just played, blew my fucking mind. Some diner guy just said you can program your phone to do things that you normally do (question marks and exclamation points).  I can program my phone to watch Starship Troopers and eat a box of goldfish? Whoa. My phone can try to not cry after sexing a women? Whoa. My phone can get arrested for stalking Detlef Schempf? Whoa. Technology is amazing.

Detlef Schrempf

Detlef! Don't press charges! I just wanted a lock of your hair.... okay hearing that back kinda makes me understand... I get it.

Almost like a double decker post!

Yeah!

GUEST WRITING AWESOMENESS: OFFSEASON FOOTBALL!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Basketball, blog, comedy, Football, Humor, Music, The 90's with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2012 by tsanda

So today I woke up feeling pretty damn amazing.  As I floated across the bathroom floor, gliding effortlessly to Robin Thicke’s “Magic”, I noticed something strange when looking in the mirror.  Normally when peering into a reflective surface, I get caught staring into my beautiful “deep as the ocean” blue eyes for 30 minutes, and if I can break that gaze, I move on to how distinguished I look.  I finish off by coming up with a well thought gameplan for how I will grow my next facial hair patterns.  Well today, I noticed that I do not grow fucking hair on my goddamn fucking head anymore.  You bring some metal rods and some sand, and I’ll bring the horseshoe.  Game on! Fuck.

Robin Thicke, The Magic Touch

“Oh I didn’t see you standing there. My Name’s Robin. I got it. You got it. We got it. The magic touch.”

I had been all excited for the Nebraska Spring Game last Saturday until Tornado Warnings caused the game to get canceled.  Mother Nature is such a sultry temptress.  For one brief moment, I had a reason to believe again.  Football in April that isn’t reruns of Coach.  I love you Dauber. Fuck yeah.    I personally think that they should not have canceled the game.  It was far too important.  Yeah, it was a decision based off of safety concerns, but it reaches further than you’d expect.  For example, children 8th grade and younger, were given free admission, as long as they completed the “drug free halftime pledge”.  Now all those kids who were going to lie about not doing drugs, are out there doing drugs and they don’t even feel bad about it.  Not even a lil!  Hugs not drugs!  Except Hugs can’t help you stay awake and alert when you need it most.  In fact, hugs make me sleepy.  It ruined story telling for me as well.  When Michael Ziola kicks a championship clinching field goal, I would have been able to say… “I saw Mikey kick an 85 yard field goal through a tornado back in the day.”  But most importantly, we tend to block out all things in real life when we have football to watch.  Having no football, you notice things that you shouldn’t… You have children, your dog has actual dog food for a balanced diet(not leftover pizza crust and nacho cheese dip), you’re going bald, you should go outside during weekends, you’re not a part of your  “team” and they don’t care how you feel,  etc…   Mother Nature, such a drug endorsing,  legend killing, depression causing, cunt.

Mother Nature

“I’m sorry, Miss Nature. I didn’t mean that, it wasn’t RAUtional thought. I still love tickling that twat of yours on the regular. I love you.”

Hugs and Drugs

Those Nebraska children will have the best of both worlds.

It was easy for me to blame Mother Nature for all that because its hard to face the truth… This is all Offseason Football’s fault. We live in a society, where most people are more worried about drama that affects nothing important whatsoever.  It honestly makes me cry.  But I cry in the shower, so no one sees my tears(my tears taste like Orange Julius, in case you were wondering).  Offseason Football has done the unthinkable…It has allowed this lifestyle to enter the game we love. Sports Center has turned into the tabloids.  We no longer get to hear about what actually happens on the field.  We get worthless garbage.

Example:

The Saint’s Bounty System:  For fuck’s sake.   This is nothing more than a “swear jar” system that is being blown out of proportion.  Every job has some kind of incentive if you’re good at stuff.   If the players do good things, they get small rewards.  In pee wee football, you get orange slices at halftime, but if you are on a winning streak they take you out for pizza parties and give you mimosas after games.  That doesn’t mean those kids need to claim those rewards on their taxes.  Kid’s don’t do taxes?  Ugh, Our youth today has no work ethic.  It’s in the player’s and coaches’ lingo to tell players to go out and kill the other players(OTHER PLAYERS being the key point RAY LEWIS).  At the earliest stages of the game we are taught to be mini Ivan Dragos on the field.  We need to crush and break everyone.  It’s fucking football.  These dudes don’t get paid 100 million dollars for no reason.  It is a dangerous game.  If we want to take out the rough portion of the game, pay the players like runners.  That is all they will be.  Runners.  If you ask someone if they will take 20 years off their life to make millions and be set for life, everyone says yes.  That is what these men do.  Of course you’re going to test other players at their weakness.  We don’t tell boxers not to aim for a gash opened above an eye.

Prefontaine, Pre

The future of the NFL. Short shorts, tank tops, running, and mustaches…It's not all bad, no current NFL player had TWO movies made about them. PRE!

I go on about just that example all day, but I should probably do some actual work at work (gotta make that money because I apparently have the financial prowess of Woody Harrelson in White Men Can’t Jump).  If this wasn’t going on in the offseason.  It would not be a big deal.  It would work its way out on the field.  We get nonstop trash all day long about players feelings (Lamar Kardashian), owners feelings (Manning/Irsay), and, the worst, where players will end up playing in 3 years after their contract is up (if they haven’t demanded a trade already). This is all shit that doesn’t matter but we make it matter because we have no football to watch.  We are one step away from Maury Povich (god bless his heart) intervening during interviews to announce that “Tim Tebow is or is not the father of Kim Kardashians’ baby”. I miss the 90’s sports.  Where shit was legit.  Mainly the 90’s NBA.  Men who you wouldn’t cross or ask about their feelings.  Mugsy Bogues would cut your face (standing on a stool of course), if you ever asked if he planned on leaving Charlotte.  Note to self: Buy a 90’s Charlotte Hornets Starter Jacket.  I won’t go too far into that right now.  That deserves its own piece.

In conclusion, I am going bald.  Yeah I didn’t finish this as strong as I would have liked, but my contract with TSANDA is up in a year, so I’m going to just phone this one in and think about where I’m going to write next year.  You can just call me DWrite Howard.  Plus, I’m sleepy due to a recently received hug, and I have no drugs to counteract the poison. Hug Poison.  Sounds like a good band name.  Better than my current band name, “Stale Croutons”

-Rau

Awesome Song of the Day:

Jack Penate

“Pull my heart away”

ANNIE LENNOX YOU MINX

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness with tags , on April 17, 2012 by tsanda

Just a song tonight.  Have a guest post coming tomorrow. So get your beauty sleep you’re gonna need it after the guest poster melts your hearts and minds.

ANNIE LENNOX

WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS

I have no idea if I have used this song before.  Nor do I care.  I could use this song everyday and you would like it.

 

FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Explosions, Food, Humor, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2012 by tsanda

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

Scanners, Head Explosion

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

Scanners, Head Explosion

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

Bill Nye's head exploding. Scanners, Head Explosion

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

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Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!

 

MAPS AWESOMENESS: SEA MONSTER MAPS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2012 by tsanda

Why doesn’t my Garmin have a monsters setting to show you where not to go?  Last week I drove my honey right into a giant spider pit and then on the way home we were beaten up by chupacabras. It was a real big date buzz kill when your lady gets eaten by something… and it wasn’t me…. Yup. Gold.

Garmin “Turn left ahead to avoid swamp things…”

Now that is helpful information.  Although I never update the thing so I would be jazzed for my Jamba Juice but I would end up:

Hieronymus Bosch the Last Judgement

Bad move monster. I may be brunch. But I got one last shit off in your mouth.

That is an actual poster you can buy from posters.com.  I am no Fung Shui master but this must be part of the calming aura for babies rooms.

Map making apparently used to be a fucking amazing profession.  All you do was randomly place monsters everywhere.  If you were not a map maker or ocean adventurer you would literally think the ocean was just a big pile of monsters.  It would be just like under my bed.

Munster, Sea Monsters Map

That's like a 25:1 Seamonsters to ship ratio! I like those odds for entertainment.

Monster N: Middle right is my favorite.  That monster just plays lobsters.  The other giant lobster gets mad so he tries to play a human.  Silly lobster you can’t play a human, we are too fleshy you just cut us in half.

Red Duck! Lookout!

How could you ever entice anybody in Scandinavia to become a seafarer?

Carta Marina, Sea Monsters Map

Sorry topographical, you are no longer my favorite type of map.

No wonder the world always thinks vikings were such bad asses.  They had to kill like 200 sea monsters just to come rape and pillage your ancestors village.  Your? Not mine? Well I am from swedish decent which I am pretty sure means I was just from a long line of love slaves to vikings.

NO MORE WORDS TODAY!

Awesome Song of the Day

Snowden

Anti Anti

Remember how I used to number the awesome song of the day?  What happened you say? Addition happened.

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