2012: Not Just For John Cusack Anymore!

Posted in Uncategorized on December 18, 2012 by tsanda

So the world ends in a couple of days. We have that going for us.  So all that credit card debt and pregnant girls are no big deal. End of the world bucket list is a must.  Mine: 1. Clean the place. Can’t have the Apocalypse Cyclops, or Cyclocalypse, or Gerry, as his cyclops friends call him, see and smash my world and have it look a mess.  That silly guy hates dirt.  He is like a much meaner murdery Mr. Clean.

Hi, I'm Gerry.  Time for the apocalypse. Apocalypse by seduction is my game. (you have to say that outloud in a throaty lispy voice for full effect)

Hi, I’m Gerry. Time for your personal sensual apocalypse. Apocalypse by seduction is my game. (you have to say that outloud in a throaty lispy voice for full effect)

That is a really creepy picture. Why does it have normal hands and monster feet.  Ohh it’s a monster? It is actually weirder that it has normal hands in the first place.  No, I have no idea what a personal sensual apocalypse is…. But it sounds painful.  Emotionally and for your butt.  You know what would be a dangerous food for a cyclops to eat? Bugles. You can’t eat bugles (cause they are disgusting) without putting them on your fingers like little finger hats.  But if a cyclops with their terrible depth perception tried to eat a bugle off their finger they would stab themselves right in the cyclops.  Whoa, I know how to win the end of days…

We need bugles!

End of days bucket list 2: Watch End of Days.  Seeing Arnie beat up the Devil never fails to make me cry.  Poetic Justice.

End of days bucket list 3: Make sure John Cusack is standing by with a limo and an endless supply of airplanes to take off just in front of explosions.  It is nice actually because after The Raven John Cusack was actually pretty affordable and is on call for me.

I promise! People want a crime fighting Edgar Allen Poe movie!

I promise! People want a crime fighting Edgar Allen Poe movie!

That’s my list. It is a good one.  Time to pop that ole VHS in the player and knock of #2.

-

Awesome song for the end of the World

Blackbird Blackbird

It’s a War

 

 

 

SCIENCE AWESOMENESS: THE TREE LOBSTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, comedy, Humor, News, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by tsanda

I can’t really say I’ve ever cared much for lobsters. I don’t get the fuss over their taste and it just seems weird that we boil them alive for better taste.  I don’t think any of the 11,746 chickens I’ve consumed in my life were ever boiled alive.  It supposedly locks in their soul which makes a great internal gravy. I am getting screwed!

So how do you get my attention? Ohh, the Tree Lobster.  You read that right.  Unless you are illiterate; and then you read that as lkajdkljiljrkldsjlfiaejlasdkfn. What prey-tell is a Tree Lobster? It is only a gigantic dude of a bug that was sick of turning extinct by humans so it hid on a tiny rock cliff island.  But that stupid son of a bitch didn’t realize we humans will search for a lifetime and not stop at anything to extinct everything.  USA! USA! USA!

Tree Lobster

Action shot of a scientist killing Tree Lobsters the only way science knows of. Fist punching the Thorax.

Science tells us that Tree Lobsters need to be capitalized because they are proper nouns. The More You Know, dum deeedle dum dooo (or however you write that jingle in words).  To bad NBC wasn’t trying to teach people the proper image for a floating rainbow star; and they say rap music corrupts minds.

The best part of the Tree Lobster? Where they live.  Balls Pyramid Island.

Balls.  That is all.

Balls. That is all.

I don’t think i’ve been more giddy about information in my life.  Giant bugs that live on Balls Island and it is the coolest looking island of all time. To bad we are going to extinct those bugs and put a Wal-Mart out there.  But ocean pirates need great deals on Bissels too.  Bissels just work great. The suction is wonderful and they come in just jazzy colors.

I would scream like a boiled alive lobster if I saw one of those things. Giant bugs should stay where they belong.  Balls island.

Woot Woot!

Awesome Song of the Day

Big Boi Ft. Kid Cudi

She Hates Me

“If you can hate on anybody, girl, I am glad it was me.”

Big Boi has been doing this for 20 years and it is pitiful how underrated he is.  Outkast for life.

 

 

JACOBSON & GORDY

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2012 by tsanda

Coming soon to TNT, the new hit series from the creators of such classics and Rizzoli and Isles and Franklin and Bash comes the next great pair of spunky people who do something together!  Jacobson is a tough as nails Brooklyn cabbie.  Gordy is a Romanian bear wrestler.  One night on the gritty streets they discovered each other and their shared love for action and adventure.  They found that they love the same two things.  Solving the mysteries of the night and being sassy.

You will hear their classic catch phrases as they do their signature move of hitting people with their car. Which is a 1989 Pontiac Fiero; which Jacobson calls his “Getting sex machine.”  Cause it helps him get sex.  He doesn’t realize he doesn’t have to explain the nickname but he makes a point of putting it on his business cards.

The Fiero, trying not to explode from 1984-1989.

The Fiero, trying not to explode from 1984-1989.

Gold Rims or Go Home, is what I would have nicked named that.  But Rizzoli liked the latter… (she fell for it’s charms, just fyi that will be a great crossover episode).

They always chase their perps (crime show word) in the Fiero and then just straight up hit them as hard as they can.  They don’t believe the justice system actually works.  These two badasses just know the murder system.

Just got hit by Jacobson & Gordy? You are bound to hear a gem such as, “Should have looked both ways before crossing the street.” or “Why did the criminal cross the street? To get hit by our car!” or “Crosswalks are for old people and pussies…” (editors note, that last one got edited from the show)

If you like high fives, fast cars, loose women, periodic guest spots from Franklin and Bash (who always get called in to get them off the hook for hitting so many people with their car) and a minimum of 10 explosions an episode you will love TNT’s new dramedy, Jacobson & Gordy.

Starring: Tom Everett Scot as Jacobson:

The guy you know you've seen in something.

That guy you know you’ve seen in something.

And Roddy Roddy Piper as Gordy.

I'm here to hit you with my car and chew bubblegum... and I am all out of bubblegum...

I’m here to hit you with my car and chew bubblegum… and I am all out of bubblegum…

Coming to TNT Tuesday.  Don’t want to watch it? That is okay. Somehow somebody somewhere will watch it just like Franklin and Bash and Rizzoli and Isles.  You won’t ever meet them but they are there.  We at TNT promise.

Jacobson and Gordy TNT knows sassy crime fighting couples!

 

Awesome Song of The Day

Shout out Louds

Impossible

The Devil Is A Puss Bag These Days…

Posted in Arnold, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Music, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 28, 2012 by tsanda

Ohhh that Devil.  Always trying to mess with our minds and tempt us to eat chocolate and covet they neighbors Wednesday night orgies.  It is tough, cause boy howdy do those things get loud.  I think last time I heard a Phoenix burn and rise from its ashes during one of those….

…. It sounds unfortunately a lot like a lawnmower starting.  Life – the constant disappointment.

 

“Vrrrrmmm Vrrrmm Vrrrmmmvrmmmvrmmmm”

I had an “an” in front of Phoenix for a second and there were little squiggles under it.  I clicked it and it’s only recommendation was to stop being a fucking moron.  God damnit word.  You’re a jerk!

Remember when the Devil was awesome and people were scared of him.  He would produce Faces of Death and make kids listen to Black Sabbath and Led Zepplin?  He made teenagers touch privates and put real oil in Mcdonald’s french fries. But here it comes to my attention that the kid from Two and a Half Men says to stop watching that show because the Devil wants you to tune in.  To mush your brain.  First of all, I assumed that kid was property of Warner Brothers so I am shocked he is allowed to go outside and converse with people.  Secondly, why the sam hell does the Devil want people watching that show? If that show mushes your brain you will have no motivation to go out and worship the Devil.  That shit takes work.  You have to drawn pentagrams and sacrifice goats and shit.  Nobody who watches Two and Half men is motivated for all of that work.

I mean if the Devil wants to support a medium of the media…. that doesn’t sound like a thing…. he should totally get behind my stuff.  This will mush the shit out of your brain.  Plus I hate goats! Always eating my cans.

For all the stereotypes about goats eating cans all the time I couldn’t find a single JPEG, yep. Gettin Technical.  Keep up internet.  So I found the closest alternative and it works pretty well.

Gimmie dem boobies!

That is what I always say to girls.  Usually looks a lot like this too. Although I can’t grow a goatee.  Whoa. Finally just got that. I am welcome.

Now the Devil wants us to watch Jon Cryer sitcoms? If you peruse any of the awesome Illuminati blogs you will find that all the Devil worshipping artists these days are sucky pussies.  Like Lady Gaga and Beyonce and Taylor Swift. What the crap happened!  The Devil really must have got some screws loose when Arnold whooped his ass in End of Days.  I don’t like any of those jokers, I must be doing Gods work!

Ohh well lets listen to music that the Devil doesn’t like….because it is good….

Awesome Song of the Day

Pete and the Pirates

“The marks on your back and the lines on your face…. one thousand pictures”

Best Lyric Ever.

Well, after I have so much money my money count money… but that is a given.

note to self. I may have used this song before.  No chance in hell I fact check that though.

 

 

MARS ROVER AWESOMENESS: ALIEN WW3!

Posted in Aliens, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, Monsters, Science, Space with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2012 by tsanda

I am really damn excited for the Mars Rover.  You bet your ass I am topical as hell! Current events, son!

 

Mars Rover

That Rover has Space Dementia!

Nobody talks about the 80 trillion dollar Robocop we put on Mars to take this photograph.

We, yes we, the North Americans minus Polar Bears and Canada dropped a fucking RC Racer onto the Mars and are currently exploring the shit out of it.  Finding monsters and aliens and Spocks all damn day.

Bill Nye: Nearly none of that is true. Ass.

Me: Hey! Bill. Shut up.  Well after you tell me which part I am right about….

Bill Nye: Polar Bears and Canada didn’t help.

Me: Duh. Polar Bears are dumb as hell and Canada is poor. USA! USA! USA!

Bill Nye: Jeez. No Monsters or Aliens or singular Spock either. It just rolls around at 2″ per second and cores the soil and takes measurements.

Me: Ugh. Boring. 2″ a second?  It would take that hoss all of 6 seconds to measure my….

Bill: Gross.

Me: You cut me off.  Dick.

Bill: Yea, we got that.

Me: USA USA USA!

Bill: ….

Don’t worry.  Mr. Nye left.  Sometimes he can’t handle talking science with me.  Like when I beat NAS in rap battles. Which are usually about Bill Nye wearing tie dye while drinking a mai tai.

NAS: …… ( silence just like the end of 8 Mile )

I like explaining written jokes.  Means they are good.

The only really cool thing that is going to come from the Mars Rover is now Aliens on other planets can see we are getting pretty cool over here on Earth and it is time to blow us up.  Which I mean is really all anybody can ask for in this life.

MUSIC!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

MOTORAMA

GHOST (Acoustic)

Easily my current favorite band.  Mind blowing.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving next year.  Like to get it out of the way early.

Bye!

CANDY AWESOMENESS: MINI ROLOS!

Posted in Candy with tags , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2012 by tsanda

I am notorious for being easy to please.  Con Air is on again? Well, so much for my daughter’s birthday.  Well, honestly I actually got her the Con Air blue ray for her birthday.  Which is basically the best birthday ever, I’d say.  She disagreed and wanted sour patch kids, or cabbage patch kids or something like that… So welcome to adoption little miss bossy pants!

That last group of sentences is actually why I will never be allowed to offspring with somebody.

So I was at K-mart buying new headphones and trying not to get stabbed or talked to by anybody.  I decided lunch was going to be (yes, you have read this right, somehow my lunch was originating from K-mart) candy.  Sometimes a lunch of candy is just what no doctor anywhere ordered.  I like the riddles skittles.  I like how skittles make my jaw hurt.  No pain no gain! That’s what my cat always says.  I have no idea what the riddles part is though.

Whoa, what do I see?  Mini fucking Rolos! Kablamo! (or insert your own sound of excitement)  Although it is odd.  Shooting off shotguns inside a K-Mart is actually legal and appropriate behavior.

Rolo Mini

You had me at lunch at K-Mart.

Finally.  The three things I have always been missing in my life.  Not knowing the actual size of a candy I was about to buy.  Don’t you hate when you accidently buy 3′ wide Werthers and the duffle bag they came in didn’t notify you of this? 2. I didn’t number 1, I hope this makes sense.  They show with a picture that their claim to contain chocolate and carmel is not fully bullshit.  I need visual proof.  I might believe in Jesus on faith, but not fucking hidden carmel.  Final thought. They are unwrapped! Although I feel bad for the indian children who lost their jobs wrapping Rolo’s.  I always thought it was fucking nonsense that I had to open this candy and then unwrap more candy.  I’m looking right at you Starbursts.  I’m not into physical activity or puzzles.  How do you open this tiny little candy origami? WHAT! I have to do it 8 more times! Ugh uncontrollable vomiting.

Just when I think I have lost all faith in American ingenuity the Rolo Corporation brings it back to a very modest level.  USA!

Who wants musics!

Awesome Song of the Day #something

Motorama

Alps

Yeah! I’m back! I haven’t done this since May? What is wrong with me.

Well I ate candy lunch from K-Mart.  Alot.

Until the next time.

 

 

LITTERING CAMPAIGNS: WASHINGTON STATE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, States with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2012 by tsanda

Everybody knows the famous Texas slogan.  Don’t mess with Texas.  Great fodder for T-shirts and the back of underwear.  You know like a pun about shitting your undies.  Which apparently is an epidemic in Texas.  It must be the water or general disregard for bathrooms and hygiene.  But I have to be honest this slogan has nothing on Washington States slogan.  I am up here working for my work, doing work.  I was driving on the just lovely I-5 going either north or south.  This is a wonderful little stretch of Americana.  Tree’s and beavers frolic like butterflies at dusk.  Yes that tree’s should be possessive.  The 2nd one was just a fucking stupid mistake.  But I haven’t figured out backspace yet or language.

Apparently, Tom Cruise is going to be in a musical?  I wonder if he will make Tom Cruise running face. I have attached the most amazing video. Not only does this guy get the humor of Tom Cruise running, but he makes an awesome video and chooses the best song of all times.

Sorry, I got side tracked by the TV playing at the Africa Club in the Sea-Tac airport.  Which is a confused place here in white peopleville. Although to be fair they have a dish that gives you AIDs for authentic Africa flavor.  I wonder what flavor AID’s has.  Probably a lot like diarrhea mixed with nutmeg.

So Washington is a beautiful state, not like my home state, where we just through garbage out our windows cause, well fuck it.  That’s our litter slogan.  It is widely successful.  Just huge billboards with a half eaten cheeseburger and crumpled PBR tall boy, next to calligraphy of “Well, fuck it.” How do they get it done here?  Passive aggressive threats?  No, they are very obvious.

Litter Campaign Washington State, Litter and it will hurt,

Vague, yet terrifying.  

I mean it’s scary because bigfoot lives in Washington.  If I throw my danish wrapper on the ground does bigfoot run out and punch me in the sternum?  I don’t know.  So I tested the theory.  I live life on the edge of disaster.  That’s my motto. I have shirts and everything.  My mom got another one for mothers day and she threw it away and disowned me.

I ate some gum and threw the wrapper on the ground.  A seagull at that moment then shit from the skies into my mouth.

I was like what the hell man?  You said it would hurt not be disgusting!  Then I got hit by a twin engine prop plane.  Damnit Washington.  You are good.

-

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Deniece Williams

Lets Hear it for the Boy

when I searched for this song, the SEATAC Airport free wifi made me re-agree to the terms and conditions.  I of course didn’t read them but I really hope that listening to this song on their network is against their terms and conditions.  If I get arrested I will hunger strike for this song.

 

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